Who Taught You About Building Community?
Where did you learn what you know about inclusion, collectivism, sharing, and kinship?
Welcome! I’m Lisa Sibbett and this is The Auntie Bulletin, a newsletter for people who are significantly involved in helping to raise other people’s children. You can read my archive here. If you appreciate reading this newsletter, please consider becoming a paid subscriber for $5 a month or $50 for the year. You can also support my work by “liking” this post below. It only requires a click on the little heart icon, and it helps other people find my Substack.
From December to March each year, the vast and warm waters of Bahía de Banderas (Banderas Bay) in Mexico become temporary home to hundreds of humpback whales. They’ve migrated 3,000 miles or more from Alaska so that female humpbacks can give birth and begin to raise their calves in the relatively safe waters off Puerto Vallarta.1 When you see a pair of whales together, usually one is the mother and one is the baby.
My partner and I vacation in this region every year, and by now we’ve got our go-to “whale guy,” Eric, an enthusiastic and super knowledgable young local who takes us out in his boat to watch and listen to the whales (he’s got a mic he drops into the water, and hearing the whale vocalizations in real time is majestic). This year, we came across a trio of two adults and a juvenile, and Eric explained that these trios are comprised of a new mother, her baby, and an experienced older female “nanny whale” who’s there to teach the young mother the ropes.
!!!!!
This was the first I’d learned of what biologists call “alloparenting,” and it blew my mind. The social organization required! Do they talk out who buddies up with who? Like, “Jan, you go with Vivian because you really helped her nail her bubble net during the herring run this summer”?
It turns out alloparenting is rare but not at all unheard of among animal species. I recently read Sarah Blaffer Hrdy’s Mothers and Others: The Evolutionary Origins of Mutual Understanding, and found out that many animals have individuals who do Auntie duty, from primates to elephants to birds. (Look for a longer post on this book sometime soon).
I’m thinking about all the different models in the world of how we can take care of each other and build networks of kinship and belonging. Earlier this week, I shared an appreciation of my dad and what he taught me about building community. I also reflected on the incredible super-powers of self-taught collectivists, whose work to cultivate community could change things for their whole family line — for generations of family and chosen family to come.
Now It’s Your Turn, Auntie Collective
Who taught you about building community? Please take this question in any direction that interests you. Maybe, like me, you had strong models of community-building in your own upbringing — or maybe you didn’t, and you learned it somewhere else. Maybe you read the right books or the right comics or watch the right TV or movies at the right time. Maybe you’re a self-taught community-builder — we would love to hear about that!
Or maybe you don’t feel like you’ve got it figured out yet (who does?), and you’re working on it (aren’t we all!), and when you think about the kind of communities you’d like to build, some example you’ve encountered shimmers into your mind. Tell us!
You might also share what lessons were modeled or taught. Did you learn that everyone belongs and is part of “us”? Did you learn to be responsive to urgent needs in your community? To keep showing up over the long term? To give what you can? To prioritize the needs of children, or elders, or communities who have been denied justice? Did you learn to share, trade, barter, repair, upcycle, or pass things on? To listen well? To ask questions?
Bring us your wisdom, Auntie Collective. And please know that it doesn’t have to be lengthy or totally thought out or full of examples, and it bears repeating that you don’t need to have gotten community-building “right” or “figured out.” Lord knows I haven’t. I hope our discussion threads will become a place where we can share, briefly or otherwise, what matters to us, where we’re coming from, and what we have learned or hope to. I’m eager to hear from you.
And now, here’s an amazing video of a humpback nanny whale on the job: in this case, the older female protects mother and calf from the unwanted advances of an aggressive male.
Eric explained that Bahía de Banderas is a great place to raise a baby whale because it’s relatively shallow within a half mile or so of the shore. An adult female can stretch her length from the sea floor to the surface, so no predators can rise up from beneath.
Community building definitely doesn't come naturally to me. I didn't practice it or observe it much as a kid -- I was lucky enough to have a supportive nuclear family and enough school friends to the point where community just seemed automatic. Like many others, as an adult I realized that community is anything but automatic and we sometimes have to work hard to make communities happen!
In my adulthood I've learned the most about community from a long running meditation group in my area. At first, we would just meet, sit silently, share a little bit about how we were doing, then all disperse. At some point, someone offered to bring snacks for those who wanted to stick around after and chat. Somehow, that was the spark that we needed and all of a sudden we were gathered around a plate of strawberries and carrots laughing and getting to know each other. That little gathering grew into game nights, summer picnics, and yearly trips together.
From that I learned that the difference between a mostly anonymous group of people and a tight community can be just a little bit of effort! That's not to say I'm perfect at applying this (I tend toward introversion) but I do now keep my eyes open for opportunities to nudge things in the direction of community.
My parents were really amazing examples of building caregiving into your daily and weekly routines. They fostered children, took weekly dinner to elderly and disabled neighbors and sat with them for conversation and meals, welcomed people into their home for long and short times of need, gave financially to worthy organizations, and so much more. This example, however, was really tied up with my parents’ Christian faith and with my own faith, and I’ve realized only recently how many feelings of guilt and inadequacy came with it. I was always the person to organize the meal train, offer up my home, stay up late to help a struggling friend. But it was never enough, and I felt constantly guilty. I often still do. This was not the fault of my parents, but rather a combination of their beautiful example with some really damaging church teachings around the need to be selfless and do good works.
As part of my deconstruction journey, I’m working to extract caregiving from guilt, and to do it in ways that are healthier for me (and probably others as well).