I live in a different state from my five nephews, so I make sure to pack in lots of help and bonding when home for a visit. I stayed with my younger sister for two weeks after each of her births. I was there to clean, run errands for groceries, hold the baby so Mom and Dad could sleep, basically just an extra pair of hands. I also coordinated their meal train. Sadly, my big sister had her oldest just before the pandemic and her twins during it, so I wasn't there for the immediate postpartum period.
Now I always watch the kids when I visit, so both sets of parents can have a date night. I actually play with the kids during family gatherings so their parents can sit and chat with adults. Also, I am hands-on. I will wipe a sticky face, clean up vomit, change a diaper, run through the sprinkler. That way, I don't have to hand them off when things get tricky. Decades of babysitting and nanny experience came in handy here.
I'm also the go-to "pop culture" auntie. My sister Facetimes me when she's tired of talking about Marvel or Star Wars with my oldest nephew. I never get tired of his questions! Every once in a while, I send my sisters a Venmo for coffee or takeout, just because.
They're all under 5, but I'm already thinking about how I can support their parents going forward. Will I be the aunt who takes a nephew or two for a few weeks each summer? The one the teens go to for advice? The one who travels with them? I'm thinking about starting a small savings fund for their education as well.
When friends have kids, I make it clear that I love babies and talking about parenting. So many young parents feel like they're boring their childfree friends when they talk about their kids (or pregnancy and birth), but because of my auntie experience, I make space for them and try to meet them where they are.
"I will wipe a sticky face, clean up vomit, change a diaper, run through the sprinkler. That way, I don't have to hand them off when things get tricky. Decades of babysitting and nanny experience came in handy here." PREACH.
I feel like being willing to get messy, change diapers, and handle problems is a huge gift we can give to parents. Rather than being a helper waiting for direction, we can come in with our sleeves rolled up ready to get stuff done.
I also love your point about making it clear that we actually like talking about babies and parenting. You're so right -- parents often worry they're being boring when they're talking about the literally most important thing in their lives. But actually, there's so much there there. I think learning about the experience of parenting and the ins and outs of child development is reliably really interesting. And the more we know, the more interesting it becomes.
Pop culture Auntie! I love this! I am NOT the pop culture Auntie but this is making me think about the people in my life who are. My partner, for example, can talk about video games and comics and movies with kids at great length, and they LOVE him for it.
I also love how you're surfacing the Auntie role of kicking in some money, here, Natalie. So many Aunties provide little bits of financial assistance or just fun gifts here and there, and it can really be nice for families.
What a lovely role you play in the lives of these kids and their parents, Natalie! I can really hear the joy of it all coming through in your comment, too.
I've realized that my network of close friends at this stage in my life is pretty far-flung geographically, so I'm not in a position to hang out in person with many of my friends' kids. What I DO think I've been able to offer, for my writer friends who are moms, is a space to talk about non-mom stuff when they want a chance to focus on their hobbies and intellectual interests. Not all of my mom friends have expressed an interest in this, but some have, and I feel like that's something I can offer.
For the kiddos in my physical proximity like my godson and my nephew, I try to make an effort to keep up with their interests and focus on doing stuff WITH them (i.e. playing chess, going to the renaissance faire, building rockets together) instead of buying stuff FOR them. That way there's an adult in their life who is excited about what they're excited about, and willing to participate in it when their parents might be a little tapped out.
I love the idea of doing things like school pick-up, help with bath or bedtime, etc. but I realized I'm maybe not close enough with my friends to ask to be in their spaces for those kinds of things, or at least I almost feel like I'm intruding if I offer. I still like this idea, though, and for those who do it, I'd be curious how you approached the arrangement initially!
Ooooh, I have always wanted to take kids to a RenFaire!
I've commented on Liz's reply, below, with some initial thoughts in offering to help. For the people my partner and I help out with most often, we were living in co-housing with an explicit intention to cultivate interdependence, and then it was COVID and all hands on deck, so the original asks weren't awkward at all -- but that won't be the case for most people. For the families where we haven't had that kind of onramp, I think just the persistent offers (as I discuss below) are important.
Also, I think it really helps to show ongoing interest in their kids! Every time we interact with their children, have fun with them, or ask questions about them, we're SHOWING our investment -- and that's way more compelling to primary caregivers than just our words.
I'm also curious how people end up in this arrangement! I've had friends I've been close with for which it happened naturally to help out with their kids. And with my nieces, I've just done it because they're family! But I'd be open to helping out with neighborhood children, or just watching a baby monitor so parents can go out after bedtime for an infant, but I don't know how to offer without it sounding weird. A new family just moved in at the end of my block and they have three kids under 5! It would be so easy to baby sit or help out with them, but I'm not sure where to start.
My feeling on this is that we just have to basically offer and let it feel kind of weird...? There's also the aspect of just getting to know people and letting everyone get comfortable, as with your new neighbors, Liz. I could imagine offering early on, and them being like, "oh that's so nice!" but not thinking you're serious, but then you keep offering every now and then, as you get to know them, and then one day either you become aware that they have an immediate need or they courageously reach out, and you take it from there.
This is making me think about how important it is to offer repeatedly. Parents have a hard time believing would-be Aunties really mean it. And some parents also feel like maybe their kids are actually harder and more terrible than other people's kids (even though they love them), so they might be worried that if you spend time with their kids you won't want to again once you find out how hard it is. Usually these fears are unfounded. But it can take persistence to get through that phase of parental worry.
Seconding the “let it be a little weird” advice, and also want to add that it’s been helpful for me to share my philosophical motivations (interdependence over individualism, etc) and my choice to be child-free specifically in order to have the energy to build a village around the parents in my community. I’ve found that zooming out to how alloparenting fits into my larger worldview and value system helps people believe I’m serious and helps ease anxiety. That said, I usually still have to offer a number of times before getting anywhere.
In the case of your neighbors, I might also look for ways to reach out to the kids (via the parents) in low-stakes, take-it-or-leave it ways. For example, “I’m about to donate a bunch of art supplies and I wanted to stop by and see if your kids might be into them before I take them to Goodwill,” or “Are your kids into bugs? I found this cool caterpillar in my backyard and I thought they might enjoy looking at it.” Yes, it’s weird and awkward. But it signals “caring for the neighborhood kids is actively on my mind.” OH ALSO! A few yards in my neighborhood have fairy houses and encourage leaving offerings to the fairies?? Something interactive but passive like that could be a safe way to start building a relationship with the kiddos.
GOOD CALL, Evangeline! I love this advice to surface the values informing our offers. Genius. And I also love these suggestions for starting to build relationships with the new neighbor family!
Amazing advice, Evangeline. A lot of people have mentioned in passing that they’d love to help out, but when my new neighbor moved in, they specifically told me they are working on building community and would appreciate the chance to provide childcare on weeknights. It was really moving and let me know they were serious!
(I should add we already have mutual acquaintances, it’s not some random newcomer, but even if it were a total stranger I’d definitely have them over and get to know them so we could be there for each other as neighbors/pals!)
I, too, have activated consciously prioritized helping my mom friends still have a connection to non-mom things they care about. I ask them specifically about those things, bring or send them little goodies that affirm that part of them, etc. I do this from the day their first kids arrive in their lives, and I tell them I'm doing it. They have all really appreciated it. (I do also invest in their kids, partners/ families, yes, but I center the women.)
I don't have much of a consistent role in the lives of any of the kids in my life, I'm in a sort of limbo in my life right now, so I can't really provide long-term, consistent support in that way, yet.
But I'm visiting a friend with a one year old right now and last night at dinner I sat next to her and cut up food and slowly fed her almost all of her dinner! Yay for the parents getting to eat a meal in relative peace! And today, my main task is to check their freezer space capacity and then cook them a bunch of food that can be thawed when the mood or need arises.
In my co-housing community, I think I show up for the parents by just being interested in having a relationship with and talking to the kids. Also while "to-go" meals can sometimes be a contentious topic, I make sure the parents of young kids (and also of older parents) always know that they can take 100% of the meals I cook as takeout if that's way works better for them!
lettuce, you are BRINGING IT! I love hearing about your feeding that little kiddo and feeding this whole family. What a gift you're giving to them. I really find feeding little kids fun. When we don't have to do it day in and day out, it's easy to notice how precious it is, how much trust is required, how necessary it is for us to be able to nourish our little ones and one another.
And I love hearing from others who live in co-housing, and especially those who cook for their neighbors/housemates. How does the cooking rotation work for your community?
Haha thanks!! Co-housing is so great. 💖 We had a very solid twice a week going pre-pandemic. We're struggling to get back to that. It's often just once a week. In my co-housing community, everyone has a number of community work hours we need to do each month, and cooking/setting up/cleaning counts towards those hours. Everyone is supposed to do at least one kitchen shift per month, but in reality, it's sort of the same subset of people, mostly women, who do all the cooking. In previous faux-ops with friends we rotated through evenly. Everyone took a turn cooking and cleaning a meal for the house about once a week!
"The same subset of people, mostly women, do all the cooking." Shocker!!
I love the idea of having monthly community work hours. My co-housing community is so small, we've never set up anything like that, but I hope we can grow into it!
Yeah, I've visited some other co-housing communities and it's been so strange to me that none of them have had anything like that! There's lots of ways to get work hours, but it's such a part of community.. and obviously some people do this otherwise, but also some don't. Maybe also a problem when the community gets larger. 🤷 We set an hourly work rate at the beginning of each year, and you can choose to either do the work hours or pay the hourly rate. (Also lots of opportunities to trade work hours, ask for work hours from a community pool, get an exemption, etc if life stuff is happening.) Also slightly different work hour expectations for renters vs owners. But having work hours also allows the community to keep HOA fees lower! I've liked the system we have.
The co-housing community I know that does something like this is so much bigger than my own, like 30 households (as opposed to our 3). Your community sounds so amazing. I'd love to check it out sometime!
Wow, as the parent of a one-year-old, I teared up reading these comments. Not for the first time in this Substack, I felt my heart swell with the reassurance of goodness and generosity in the world.
I think the most striking thing as I read through every comment is the delight that you all take in stepping into this crucial Auntie role. Even though the help you provide is often unglamorous, messy, tedious, and difficult, your joy in being the person kids and parents can lean on is so apparent. Not only is it really beautiful, it’s also motivating me to take friends up on their offers more.
I don’t want to derail the conversation at all, but as a newish parent, I wonder if there’s any advice you all have for parents who want to be there for YOU more but who struggle to offer the kind of practical support you so generously give. For me, this first year of parenthood has been such a struggle — not only is my capacity for helping out my community totally diminished, but I just feel like my needs are so constant and huge. It’s an uncomfortable season. My mantra has been “When I have more capacity, there will be more reciprocity,” but I am also mindful that many aunties in my life are also going through difficult times and have, you know, all the normal human needs. I guess I’m not totally sure what I’m asking — maybe, how can we help you feel appreciated, taken care of, and like it’s not all one-sided? What, if anything, do you find helpful and affirming from parents?
(Thanks for sticking with my rambling response! Bottom line: you are all angels.)
Catherine, I love that this thread is inspiring you to take your friends up on their offers more. That's what Aunties want to hear, truly!
I love what others have said in response to your question. I'll add that that it does feel good, as an Auntie, to just get a heartfelt thank you. When Aunties get really involved in supporting the life of a family, sometimes that can start to feel routine and busy parents can forget to make their appreciation visible (even when they're feeling it strongly in their hearts). Just making sure the Aunties in your life know how much you appreciate them is huge.
I'll also say: in the early years of parenthood, it's not really your job to provide much support to your community. Your contribution is to raise your child and you're already doing more than enough; for now, the community's role is to support you. Later the balance can shift back toward more what you were accustomed to pre-parenthood (and by later, I mean probably around when your kid gets to school age -- 5 years old is often a big turning point for parents).
A beautiful question and thank you for asking it! For me, I don't expect reciprocity in the exact same way (like time or physical help), but I really appreciate when my sisters and their husbands ask me about myself and remain interested in my life. Maybe pay for their takeout if they provide childcare. Another gift, which I acknowledge can be hard, is finding a little one on one time with the auntie/uncle/caring figure. I love my nephews, but I also miss hanging out with my sisters! Even a quick glass of wine or a phone call is deeply meaningful for me. But, I also have a great deal of understanding about what parents are dealing with. Being a part of kid's lives is a reward in itself!
So true! 1:1 time or really just anything that reaches out with intention to my tender auntie heart. Could be just a message that said: 'this meme/song/painting/quote made me think of you'. I get rewarded for my auntie offerings on so many levels. But it's true that there's sometimes some room left for emotional reciprocity.
Totally agree. The 1:1 time is precious, and it means a lot when people prioritize it, even if it's brief. And staying interested in others' lives is key, too. Well put!
I love this insight, Natalie, thanks! It’s so wonderful for ME to have kid-free one on one time with aunties/uncles; good to know it can feel like tending the relationship on both sides. Thanks for being a stellar auntie to the kids in your life.
I appreciate this question a lot. I support a lot of people who have kids, and it can honestly feel a bit lonely and one-sided sometimes. What really helps are the people who invite me (and my partner) into their lives, kid chaos and all. I'll happily read a book to, dig in a dirt pile with, or feed a kiddo while parents are cleaning, cooking, whatever. I'm happy to fold laundry (as long as it's not mine 🤣), and same goes for doing dishes. People who believe and accept my offers of joining in with whatever is happening are people I get to continue being friends with. People who won't let me in because their house isn't clean, or their kids are noisy or whatever...those are the friendships that fade. And, by the way, I’ve found the folks who build their lives to include people are then also interacting enough that there will certainly be opportunities to talk about my life and needs, too. :) I'm not saying I want to be a nanny and maid as the only way to have a friendship, but there are seasons when those are the most viable for my friends, and I've been glad to be there for them.
That all makes sense to me, Bethann. Feeling like a beloved family member — mess and all — is obviously so much better than feeling like a paid careworker without the pay, but it can veer into nanny territory if parents hold you at arm’s length or make it too one-sided. Thanks for everything you do.
Really appreciate the prompt, and loving reading others’ responses! As of now, the main routine childcare I perform is for our neighbors’ kids (4 & 9), but it’s a bit subject to their whims because it’s not strictly “childcare”, more like a playdate (where the people in the playdate happen to be adults, my partner and me), but I’m brainstorming ways to help it function more like true childcare so their parents can count on the weekly support. Recently, I got to pick them up from school (like another commenter said, it feels like a joyful milestone to make it onto a kid’s pickup list 🥲), and I’m weighing my capacity for driving (my regular life is very much on bike/foot) & committing to more pickup type arrangements.
My next big leap as Auntie is spending 5 weeks with my sister, her wife, and their 2.5 year old later this year when my sis is due with their second child. I’m equal parts deliriously happy to be in a position to offer this support, and nervous to see how it all plays out re: limited capacity/being away from home (I moved across the country). I’ll be referencing Auntie Bulletins & will be looking forward to reading more examples of how people have made it work! Thanks, as always, for this tether to all these people forging a path I hope to be on 🩵
ani lee, it sounds like there aren't many moving pieces left between you and providing a regular weekly childcare shift. It's so awesome. You've already got the relationships, the trust, the habits, the fun activities with kids -- a lot of Aunties would love to be this far along the routine-building process with their loved ones!
Adding car time to our lives can be kind of a bummer, especially if driving stresses you out. That said, I'll copy/paste something I just wrote to another commenter above (which I hadn't consciously recognized until something she said triggered this thought for me): "There's something really precious about driving around in cars with kids -- maybe because it's so conducive to focused conversation. There's not much else to do, so we might as well just chat with each other! I've also found that rides to and from places are among the most reliable times to get kids to actually report what they actually did that day, simply because they're not distracted by other things."
Meanwhile, pitching in on a 5 week stint when a new baby comes is bigtime Auntie behavior. I know your sister and her wife will be SO glad to have you. And, oof, you're probably going to get really tired! I can imagine in that suggestion feeling not really "entitled" to be tired, because the parents (especially your sister) will be even tireder than you, but I hope you'll still make room for and allow yourself to be tired and take rests! If you haven't already seen the "New Baby Bill of Rights" post from earlier this year, this one'll likely be a wealth of resources for you:
Late to the party but loving this thread, thank you, Lisa! The center of my auntie life is my chosen nibling, my friend’s nine-month old baby. During their pregnancy, I was really up front with my friend and said I wanted to support them as they became a parent and to be in their kid’s life. Shortly after that chat, they invited me to attend the birth - which was magical AND one of the most stressful weeks of my life because the labor was so long and the baby spent their first couple weeks in the NICU. My friend lives a block away from me, so the first three or four months I was over almost every day, feeding the baby, sanitizing bottles, doing laundry, taking out the trash, cooking meals. This summer was the best - I was on pickup duty from daycare so I had a weekly hang out with the baby, including bedtime. Nowadays, I help in whatever way I can once or twice a week. I’ve been traveling a lot and I always make sure I come by to say bye to my friend and their baby.
In the coming months (I’m not sure when yet!) I’ll be moving away for a year or so and I’m really bummed I’ll no longer be in walking distance of these friends. Do folks have advice for staying in touch and supporting parents and kids from a distance? We’re planning on doing video calls but looking for more ideas!
Diya, you have been so involved from the very beginning -- what a beautiful start to a lifelong Auntie relationship. I just love this story.
I'm planning to do an Auntie Collective Wisdom survey to crowdsource a post on long distance Auntie hacks before the end of the year. I'm anticipating a real wealth of insight and strategies there. In the meantime, it sounds like you're doing everything right and doing everything you can to support this little family. I'm glad it sounds like you'll be able to come back!
I may have mentioned this on other posts here, but the biggest thing I do for one family I support is spend $. Nor as much as if I had kids myself, but substantial $ to support the kids' interests and activities. I also promised when they were very little that I would make sure they always had good shoes and all the good winter gear they need. This doesn't mean a blank check for shopping, but does mean that when the middle school boy tells his mom the only acceptable shoe is a Croc, I remember the Payless sneakers from my childhood, and how flagrantly poor and uncool they were...and I just get the Crocs in his size and fav color and keep moving. Put another way, I am committed to supporting this family in every sense, and one thing I can do from the distance I live is supplement there finances meaningfully.
The other way I show up for parents is that I take a genuine interest in their kids. I host a monthly gathering and spend most of it undertaking kid-initiated projects. (I'm not much of an imaginary play person, even though I love fairy tales, etc., but I'll work on art, writing, construction, discussion, etc. quite happily.) I also purposely keep a couple of closets and cubby holes empty, so the kids have fun places to hide and play. And, I have been prepping 1-3 meals/week for over a year for two separate families who had infants last year. I love feeding them.
I also mentioned in a separate comment that I go way out of my way to celebrate, recognize, and affirm the moms in my life as women who are also parenting, not as only or mostly moms. The rest of society pigeon holes them there, and I work to support them in feeling like everything they want to be (including but not limited to, being moms).
I find I really like hearing stories about Aunties who financially support the kids and families in their lives. The Crocs are such a great example -- and the shoes and winter coats contribution generally. This really lands in my heart -- thank you for sharing it, and for your support for this family. I think this is a really good thing for Aunties without children to do with our money.
I also love how you're providing this structured monthly opportunity to hang with the kids you love. I could not agree more that taking an interest in our loved ones' kids is one of the best ways we can support parents. And three cheers for art, writing, construction, and discussion!
@Lisa I agree re hearing about others who are making financial contributions part of how they alloparent. I suppose a lot more people are doing it than are talking about it. It feels important to me to normalize extending our circles of care as part of financial planning. I also see it as an essential way to normalize people *accepting* financial support. Some of the people I help financially really struggle to accept help (money or otherwise), because they feel ashamed they aren't self-reliant. And I was raised in a sub-culture that saw needing help as morally reprehensible (unless the help was coming from god--and then it was laden with judgement anyway--or for major medical bills/accidents/house fires). The longer I am out in the world away from those toxic ideas, the more convinced I am that creativity and mutual reliance are two of humanity's greatest gifts. So, I try to mention financial support of others regularly, as one small gesture towards normalizing it as a vital part of giving and receiving care.
"Normalize extending our circles of care as part of financial planning." And normalize accepting financial support! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.
I love that you're mentioning it regularly. My "don't let the right hand know what the left hand is doing" mentality always tries to get me not to talk about helping and especially not to talk about offering financial assistance. I think part of the programming is also about not wanting to seem like I'm virtue signaling. But when we don't talk about it, people don't know that others are doing it! And then they're less likely to do it themselves!
Maybe this could also be a great idea for a post in Auntie Bulletin? I mean the financial care and how it can be hard to offer/accept it, even when it really makes sense. I'm curious to hear about other people's positive experiences! I've had very positive experiences in this area but also situations where I didn't know how and what, when things stayed a bit misty.
This is a good idea. In the interest of normalizing giving, I think it's worth it even though talking about what we give makes me uncomfortable. I'll put in on the list. :)
Yes, I 1000% agree that it can feel like bragging or virtue signaling. But maybe we need to embrace that. Positive peer pressure has made a lot of important things happen, and positively influencing individuals' spending towards mutual care will hopefully trickle up to positively influencing societal care. @Lisa, I'd be very happy to chat with you for that kind of piece, if you do plan to write about it. As an eldest sister with loads of interests (over time) that i advocated about to others, mostly with some sort of equity layer long before I knew to think about social justice-- and coming from a religious authoritarian childhood where peer pressure and social judgement drove a lot of our behavior--I think we can actually lean into positive peer pressure in important ways. There's plenty of negative peer pressure and social conditioning already. Let's counter it.
The funny thing is that to me, it feels more like I'm showing up for the children and young people in my life, and to a lesser extent for their parents. This may be because their parents only occasionally ask me to help out with something. Most of my auntie routines emerged because either I and/or the children were into them. Like taking my nephew and niece to their sports practice on many Saturdays, then spending the rest of the day together, sometimes followed by a sleepover. Or teaching my 19 year old godchild how to drive a car. Also a routine, multiple times a week: sharing dinner, dessert and kitchen clean-up with my 20 year old 'foster kid', to whom I'm an auntie rather than a parent.
This is such an intriguing distinction, Cece -- when are we showing up for kids, when for parents, and where's the overlap? I tend to think showing up for kids IS showing up for parents, but you're so right that it often doesn't feel that way. We might not even SEE the parents when we're hanging with the kids we love.
I love hearing about the ways you support the kids in your life!
I really don't have great relationships with my siblings, but aspire to have fantastic relationships with their kids. My beef with my brothers goes way back and I'm just not sure it's going to go away, but I am committed to making sure that a) that doesn't get in the way of me being super-auntie as much as I can, and b) that I figure out (and do) whatever relationship-re-building is best for the kids. I feel really unsure of what balance is best for everyone -- I know I can't become besties with by brothers and don't enjoy hanging out with them a bunch, but I know I want them to know I'm here for them as parents.
In the meantime, trying to weasel my way into my niblings' lives is more difficult than it could be!
I'm a long distance auntie, so a lot of my help comes in bursts! I'm lucky in that I have a work from home gig, so I can travel to or with my siblings to help with the kids whenever it's needed, like when my brother and his wife had a destination wedding to attend in Idaho and a one-year-old to wrangle. I came with and did all the wrangling so they could actually enjoy a night out with friends they hadn't seen in years! I also just moved to a new house with a ton of farmland and my sister is already planning on sending her kids here during their school breaks so she and her husband can take their first trip together without kids in.... well, their oldest just started 7th grade.
Hey Emelie! I feel like working from home is a such a blessing in terms of (more often, but not always) having the flexibility to go help our loved ones out when they need it. Indeed, that's how you and I wound up getting to meet!
The more comments I read in this thread about how we Aunties are showing up for our loved ones, the more I just want to give us all a round of pats on the back. Wrangling a one year old is exactly the sort of thing that makes such a difference for parents to be able to have a good time at their own wedding! I also did baby duty for friends getting married at a destination wedding a couple of summers ago, and honestly it felt so much more meaningful than getting them, like, a food processor.
I'd love to hear how it goes when your sister's kids come to stay with you! I feel like a farm-type place is such a great place to host kids.
My current role just ended and I'm feeling mournful about it! I've been picking up my niece from pre-school one day a week for the past two years. Then we would go home for lunch (or sometimes go out for lunch) and just hang out till her big sister came home on the bus. It's been such a lovely time together! She just started full-day kindergarten, so I am trying to figure out what my time with them looks like. Definitely still grieving our time together, and excited to think about how I can continue to spend time with them on a weekly basis that helps their caregivers out.
Oh, I would feel so bummed in your position! What a special time you've been having. Do you anticipate that kindergarten pick-ups might be part of the new routine?
Ah, that lovely Christian teaching… which has literally made me less likely to do something good if someone else is in the room (I’m sure that’s not the only factor, but I do think that’s part of it).
But back to Auntie-ing! For a few years, I dropped off or picked up the kids of a family 3-5 times a week, because it fit pretty neatly with my schedule at the time (this was my senior year of high school, and I had a free period some mornings). Over the past few years, that role has become much more flexible as I’ve gone off to college, then went hiking for six months, and their family has gone on some extended trips as well, so we’re operating in a much more as-needed basis. They’ve also moved from 10 minutes away to 40 minutes away, which really impacts the structure of seeing them — less frequently, more planned, for longer stretches of time. Usually I take the kids out for 2-4 hours to the park, or bowling, or to the library, just so that their mom gets a break to clean up the house or do her own stuff. Sometimes we use the pool at their apartment complex. They’re getting old enough that they can play unsupervised, but according to apartment building rules, anyone under 18 near the pool needs an adult with them — which I understand, but I feel like is part of a larger conversation about the culture surrounding expectations of parental supervision, especially since this pool is literally in the center of the complex and their mom can look out the window and see them. So a big part of what I do now is just being there as an adult to reassure other adults that yes, those kids are supervised, while they do their own thing. It’s fun to do things with them, but also definitely less labor-intensive now that they come up with more activities on their own than when they were much smaller.
LOL, the childhood Christianity conditioning struggle is real! In an earlier draft of this post, I had some sentences about feeling like I shouldn't even let MYSELF know what I'm doing. Like "left hand, just get that Venmo app open real quick while the right hand isn't looking!"
I love how you've been involved with this family from such a young age yourself, Jenna. It's beautiful. I can imagine it feeling like kind of a blow to go from 10 minutes apart to 40 minutes -- that's a big difference. But it sounds like such a lovely arrangement you've sustained over time!
This is making me think sometime I should do an Auntie Collective Wisdom crowdsourced post about nanny grief and other forms of Auntie loss -- basically, when we're deeply involved in the lives of a certain kid or kids because it's our job, but then the work arrangement changes or goes away, and that relationship is lost. It's happened to nannies and caregivers and wet nurses and governesses throughout human history, and it's a really unacknowledged form of grief. I'm so glad you've been able to sustain your relationship with this family over time!
My heaviest auntie-lifting tends to be in the first few months of babyhood, which is partly just because I’ve now been through it (as an auntie) four times (with a fifth coming in January!) and can be a reassuring presence around what’s normal (almost everything) and how much worse it could be (my beautiful, perfect goddaughter Ramona has set the bar high for most difficult fourth trimester). Also now that I think about it, someone I love has given birth every year for the past three years, so that’s probably skewing my view of my own auntiehood. I do love newborn time, both because it is so sweet to cuddle a little smush and also because it feels amazing to be a grounded, regulated nervous system in a house of stressed and disregulated new parents and get them to like, sit and breathe for a half hour.
I have loved getting to the point in life where I know I'll be able to bring a little calm and order and rest into a household with a new baby. It's a special kind of superpower and it locates us in a wise women's lineage as old as humanity itself.
I offered to pick up and drop off two girls that are my daughter’s friends for camp each summer. It is low key- they live close by- but getting to give them a big smile and then eavesdrop on their girlie combos after camp is wonderful. Plus, sometimes they hang out at if we want to afterwards at the city pool or playground. But really, it is just having the opportunity to hear them and give them little encouragements when they are nervous or rally if they are having a hard time or just snort belly laugh to celebrate. Those car rides are great.
Yay! I love camp drop-offs/pick-ups! There's something really precious about driving around in cars with kids -- maybe because it's so conducive to focused conversation. There's not much else to do, so we might as well just chat with each other! I've also found that rides to and from places are among the most reliable times to get kids to actually report what they actually did that day, simply because they're not distracted by other things.
I just spent a weekend at a wedding at a sleepaway camp and primarily hung out with my niblings and their parents, and did a lot of "you eat your food, I can hang out with the five year old."
I don't have such a consistent role right now but my best friend and I are praying that her current job search brings her back to NYC so that her toddler and I can live in the same city for the first time ever. I want nothing more than to be on the daycare pickup list for this kid!
Rachel, I feel like giving parents room to eat, connect with loved ones, etc. at a wedding is such a nice gift we can give them!
I really really hope your friend winds up in NYC -- and in your neighborhood if possible! Moving toward friends is, I feel, one of the absolutely most profound ways we can increase our net happiness and wellbeing in life. And if your friend has a toddler, I bet she's really longing for that.
I just wanted to check back on about a month after you posted this to tell you what it ultimately inspired me to do:
* A very dear friend called me crying one night because she's just exhausted by trying to raise a kid in fascism, preparing for difficult conversations with her aging and difficult (loving, but difficult) mother, not being able to rely on her partner for help in this because of partner-mother tension, and wanting to DO MORE but being limited since she does technically work in the judiciary. OOF. I listened and validated. Then the next day I told her that if it was break-glass-in-case-of-emergency, I could come in for a day (we're 2.5 easy hours apart), and if it was respite-on-the-horizon I could come in two weekends. She declined the offer, but I think it was meaningful that I made it.
* A fellow volunteer who's a professor AND a single mother to a neurodiverse kid told me she was completely overwhelmed and barely hanging on. Turns out her kid goes to a school less than a mile from my house, so I told her, if you ever need a pickup/dropoff, feel free to ask. A few days later, the ask came for the end of this month, and I accepted. I'm excited that she took me up on it so quickly so that the ice is broken on it, so to speak.
I say all this not as a boast, but as a testimonial for the awareness raised by this Substack (you + commenters) and the practical suggestions provided here, too.
Yay! Sadye, these outcomes absolutely make my day! Thank you so much for circling back to share them! Would it be OK if I share an anonymized version of your story about offering kid pick up on substack notes? I have found that people get really inspired and excited by stories about people offering and giving help, and Will often then chime in that they will now try it it too! These stories are so infectious!!
I subscribed tonight so that I could comment on this post! ;) (And the subscription sale didn't hurt either, lol.) We have two nephews, now 33 & 36. Between them, they have three kids of their own now, our two great-nephews and great-niece.
When the boys were growing up, we lived 45-60 minutes away -- so we mostly saw them once or twice a month at their grandfather's house, and on occasions like birthdays, holidays, etc. And for a number of those years, we expected we would have children of our own someday. By the time we realized it wasn't going to happen -- and grieved that loss -- they were teenagers, young men. Still, I think we were a pretty good aunt & uncle to them. We showed up for all the big events, we babysat them occasionally, we were generous with presents, I took tons of photos of them. We gave them both money when they graduated from high school to help them with further schooling or training.
About 10 years ago, we moved closer to where they lived, and were able to spend more time with them, including helping out with their wedding preparations. We bought them things they needed for their new homes, and spoiled their dog.
The arrival of the next generation has been a whole lot of fun. :) We're both retired now, and living closer has meant we could be there for them in a way we couldn't for their dads. We opened RESPs (Registered Education Saving Plans) for all three of them and make monthly contributions, in addition to the usual birthday & Christmas gifts (plus goodie bags for Easter, Valentine's Day and Halloween). I rarely leave the mall without buying some cute T-shirt or outfit that I've seen for one or more of them. ;) And I still take tons of photos and share them with their parents & grandparents. Their grandmother has provided daycare for them when their moms' maternity leaves have ended, and we've carved out at least one morning a week to spend there with them (and give her a bit of a break!). We've also been the default fill-in sitters when she's had appointments, etc. We spent a LOT of time with our oldest little great-nephew when his grandfather became seriously ill a few years ago, and needed to attend a lot of medical appointments, etc. (He's much better now!) While I wish the need hadn't been there, we are so glad that we were able to have that time with him before he went off to school!
We will always be a little sad we never got to be parents -- and nothing will make up for that hole in our lives -- but being an auntie & uncle has still been a pretty great thing on its own. :)
I live in a different state from my five nephews, so I make sure to pack in lots of help and bonding when home for a visit. I stayed with my younger sister for two weeks after each of her births. I was there to clean, run errands for groceries, hold the baby so Mom and Dad could sleep, basically just an extra pair of hands. I also coordinated their meal train. Sadly, my big sister had her oldest just before the pandemic and her twins during it, so I wasn't there for the immediate postpartum period.
Now I always watch the kids when I visit, so both sets of parents can have a date night. I actually play with the kids during family gatherings so their parents can sit and chat with adults. Also, I am hands-on. I will wipe a sticky face, clean up vomit, change a diaper, run through the sprinkler. That way, I don't have to hand them off when things get tricky. Decades of babysitting and nanny experience came in handy here.
I'm also the go-to "pop culture" auntie. My sister Facetimes me when she's tired of talking about Marvel or Star Wars with my oldest nephew. I never get tired of his questions! Every once in a while, I send my sisters a Venmo for coffee or takeout, just because.
They're all under 5, but I'm already thinking about how I can support their parents going forward. Will I be the aunt who takes a nephew or two for a few weeks each summer? The one the teens go to for advice? The one who travels with them? I'm thinking about starting a small savings fund for their education as well.
When friends have kids, I make it clear that I love babies and talking about parenting. So many young parents feel like they're boring their childfree friends when they talk about their kids (or pregnancy and birth), but because of my auntie experience, I make space for them and try to meet them where they are.
I can't wait to get ideas from other aunties!
"I will wipe a sticky face, clean up vomit, change a diaper, run through the sprinkler. That way, I don't have to hand them off when things get tricky. Decades of babysitting and nanny experience came in handy here." PREACH.
I feel like being willing to get messy, change diapers, and handle problems is a huge gift we can give to parents. Rather than being a helper waiting for direction, we can come in with our sleeves rolled up ready to get stuff done.
I also love your point about making it clear that we actually like talking about babies and parenting. You're so right -- parents often worry they're being boring when they're talking about the literally most important thing in their lives. But actually, there's so much there there. I think learning about the experience of parenting and the ins and outs of child development is reliably really interesting. And the more we know, the more interesting it becomes.
Pop culture Auntie! I love this! I am NOT the pop culture Auntie but this is making me think about the people in my life who are. My partner, for example, can talk about video games and comics and movies with kids at great length, and they LOVE him for it.
I also love how you're surfacing the Auntie role of kicking in some money, here, Natalie. So many Aunties provide little bits of financial assistance or just fun gifts here and there, and it can really be nice for families.
Thank you! And thanks for your newsletter and this discussion space. It's really made me feel valued for a role that's very important to me.
What a lovely role you play in the lives of these kids and their parents, Natalie! I can really hear the joy of it all coming through in your comment, too.
Thank you, yes, I adore my nephews!
I've realized that my network of close friends at this stage in my life is pretty far-flung geographically, so I'm not in a position to hang out in person with many of my friends' kids. What I DO think I've been able to offer, for my writer friends who are moms, is a space to talk about non-mom stuff when they want a chance to focus on their hobbies and intellectual interests. Not all of my mom friends have expressed an interest in this, but some have, and I feel like that's something I can offer.
For the kiddos in my physical proximity like my godson and my nephew, I try to make an effort to keep up with their interests and focus on doing stuff WITH them (i.e. playing chess, going to the renaissance faire, building rockets together) instead of buying stuff FOR them. That way there's an adult in their life who is excited about what they're excited about, and willing to participate in it when their parents might be a little tapped out.
I love the idea of doing things like school pick-up, help with bath or bedtime, etc. but I realized I'm maybe not close enough with my friends to ask to be in their spaces for those kinds of things, or at least I almost feel like I'm intruding if I offer. I still like this idea, though, and for those who do it, I'd be curious how you approached the arrangement initially!
Ooooh, I have always wanted to take kids to a RenFaire!
I've commented on Liz's reply, below, with some initial thoughts in offering to help. For the people my partner and I help out with most often, we were living in co-housing with an explicit intention to cultivate interdependence, and then it was COVID and all hands on deck, so the original asks weren't awkward at all -- but that won't be the case for most people. For the families where we haven't had that kind of onramp, I think just the persistent offers (as I discuss below) are important.
Also, I think it really helps to show ongoing interest in their kids! Every time we interact with their children, have fun with them, or ask questions about them, we're SHOWING our investment -- and that's way more compelling to primary caregivers than just our words.
I'm also curious how people end up in this arrangement! I've had friends I've been close with for which it happened naturally to help out with their kids. And with my nieces, I've just done it because they're family! But I'd be open to helping out with neighborhood children, or just watching a baby monitor so parents can go out after bedtime for an infant, but I don't know how to offer without it sounding weird. A new family just moved in at the end of my block and they have three kids under 5! It would be so easy to baby sit or help out with them, but I'm not sure where to start.
My feeling on this is that we just have to basically offer and let it feel kind of weird...? There's also the aspect of just getting to know people and letting everyone get comfortable, as with your new neighbors, Liz. I could imagine offering early on, and them being like, "oh that's so nice!" but not thinking you're serious, but then you keep offering every now and then, as you get to know them, and then one day either you become aware that they have an immediate need or they courageously reach out, and you take it from there.
This is making me think about how important it is to offer repeatedly. Parents have a hard time believing would-be Aunties really mean it. And some parents also feel like maybe their kids are actually harder and more terrible than other people's kids (even though they love them), so they might be worried that if you spend time with their kids you won't want to again once you find out how hard it is. Usually these fears are unfounded. But it can take persistence to get through that phase of parental worry.
Seconding the “let it be a little weird” advice, and also want to add that it’s been helpful for me to share my philosophical motivations (interdependence over individualism, etc) and my choice to be child-free specifically in order to have the energy to build a village around the parents in my community. I’ve found that zooming out to how alloparenting fits into my larger worldview and value system helps people believe I’m serious and helps ease anxiety. That said, I usually still have to offer a number of times before getting anywhere.
In the case of your neighbors, I might also look for ways to reach out to the kids (via the parents) in low-stakes, take-it-or-leave it ways. For example, “I’m about to donate a bunch of art supplies and I wanted to stop by and see if your kids might be into them before I take them to Goodwill,” or “Are your kids into bugs? I found this cool caterpillar in my backyard and I thought they might enjoy looking at it.” Yes, it’s weird and awkward. But it signals “caring for the neighborhood kids is actively on my mind.” OH ALSO! A few yards in my neighborhood have fairy houses and encourage leaving offerings to the fairies?? Something interactive but passive like that could be a safe way to start building a relationship with the kiddos.
GOOD CALL, Evangeline! I love this advice to surface the values informing our offers. Genius. And I also love these suggestions for starting to build relationships with the new neighbor family!
Amazing advice, Evangeline. A lot of people have mentioned in passing that they’d love to help out, but when my new neighbor moved in, they specifically told me they are working on building community and would appreciate the chance to provide childcare on weeknights. It was really moving and let me know they were serious!
(I should add we already have mutual acquaintances, it’s not some random newcomer, but even if it were a total stranger I’d definitely have them over and get to know them so we could be there for each other as neighbors/pals!)
I love this
I, too, have activated consciously prioritized helping my mom friends still have a connection to non-mom things they care about. I ask them specifically about those things, bring or send them little goodies that affirm that part of them, etc. I do this from the day their first kids arrive in their lives, and I tell them I'm doing it. They have all really appreciated it. (I do also invest in their kids, partners/ families, yes, but I center the women.)
I don't have much of a consistent role in the lives of any of the kids in my life, I'm in a sort of limbo in my life right now, so I can't really provide long-term, consistent support in that way, yet.
But I'm visiting a friend with a one year old right now and last night at dinner I sat next to her and cut up food and slowly fed her almost all of her dinner! Yay for the parents getting to eat a meal in relative peace! And today, my main task is to check their freezer space capacity and then cook them a bunch of food that can be thawed when the mood or need arises.
In my co-housing community, I think I show up for the parents by just being interested in having a relationship with and talking to the kids. Also while "to-go" meals can sometimes be a contentious topic, I make sure the parents of young kids (and also of older parents) always know that they can take 100% of the meals I cook as takeout if that's way works better for them!
lettuce, you are BRINGING IT! I love hearing about your feeding that little kiddo and feeding this whole family. What a gift you're giving to them. I really find feeding little kids fun. When we don't have to do it day in and day out, it's easy to notice how precious it is, how much trust is required, how necessary it is for us to be able to nourish our little ones and one another.
And I love hearing from others who live in co-housing, and especially those who cook for their neighbors/housemates. How does the cooking rotation work for your community?
Haha thanks!! Co-housing is so great. 💖 We had a very solid twice a week going pre-pandemic. We're struggling to get back to that. It's often just once a week. In my co-housing community, everyone has a number of community work hours we need to do each month, and cooking/setting up/cleaning counts towards those hours. Everyone is supposed to do at least one kitchen shift per month, but in reality, it's sort of the same subset of people, mostly women, who do all the cooking. In previous faux-ops with friends we rotated through evenly. Everyone took a turn cooking and cleaning a meal for the house about once a week!
"The same subset of people, mostly women, do all the cooking." Shocker!!
I love the idea of having monthly community work hours. My co-housing community is so small, we've never set up anything like that, but I hope we can grow into it!
Yeah, I've visited some other co-housing communities and it's been so strange to me that none of them have had anything like that! There's lots of ways to get work hours, but it's such a part of community.. and obviously some people do this otherwise, but also some don't. Maybe also a problem when the community gets larger. 🤷 We set an hourly work rate at the beginning of each year, and you can choose to either do the work hours or pay the hourly rate. (Also lots of opportunities to trade work hours, ask for work hours from a community pool, get an exemption, etc if life stuff is happening.) Also slightly different work hour expectations for renters vs owners. But having work hours also allows the community to keep HOA fees lower! I've liked the system we have.
The co-housing community I know that does something like this is so much bigger than my own, like 30 households (as opposed to our 3). Your community sounds so amazing. I'd love to check it out sometime!
Wow, as the parent of a one-year-old, I teared up reading these comments. Not for the first time in this Substack, I felt my heart swell with the reassurance of goodness and generosity in the world.
I think the most striking thing as I read through every comment is the delight that you all take in stepping into this crucial Auntie role. Even though the help you provide is often unglamorous, messy, tedious, and difficult, your joy in being the person kids and parents can lean on is so apparent. Not only is it really beautiful, it’s also motivating me to take friends up on their offers more.
I don’t want to derail the conversation at all, but as a newish parent, I wonder if there’s any advice you all have for parents who want to be there for YOU more but who struggle to offer the kind of practical support you so generously give. For me, this first year of parenthood has been such a struggle — not only is my capacity for helping out my community totally diminished, but I just feel like my needs are so constant and huge. It’s an uncomfortable season. My mantra has been “When I have more capacity, there will be more reciprocity,” but I am also mindful that many aunties in my life are also going through difficult times and have, you know, all the normal human needs. I guess I’m not totally sure what I’m asking — maybe, how can we help you feel appreciated, taken care of, and like it’s not all one-sided? What, if anything, do you find helpful and affirming from parents?
(Thanks for sticking with my rambling response! Bottom line: you are all angels.)
Catherine, I love that this thread is inspiring you to take your friends up on their offers more. That's what Aunties want to hear, truly!
I love what others have said in response to your question. I'll add that that it does feel good, as an Auntie, to just get a heartfelt thank you. When Aunties get really involved in supporting the life of a family, sometimes that can start to feel routine and busy parents can forget to make their appreciation visible (even when they're feeling it strongly in their hearts). Just making sure the Aunties in your life know how much you appreciate them is huge.
I'll also say: in the early years of parenthood, it's not really your job to provide much support to your community. Your contribution is to raise your child and you're already doing more than enough; for now, the community's role is to support you. Later the balance can shift back toward more what you were accustomed to pre-parenthood (and by later, I mean probably around when your kid gets to school age -- 5 years old is often a big turning point for parents).
Last year I spoke to the lovely, wise podcaster and writer Ann Friedman about how she balances Auntiehood during new parenthood (her baby was about 1 year old at the time) and she had some great insights on this: https://theauntie.substack.com/p/navigating-friendship-through-lifes?r=nbcpy
A beautiful question and thank you for asking it! For me, I don't expect reciprocity in the exact same way (like time or physical help), but I really appreciate when my sisters and their husbands ask me about myself and remain interested in my life. Maybe pay for their takeout if they provide childcare. Another gift, which I acknowledge can be hard, is finding a little one on one time with the auntie/uncle/caring figure. I love my nephews, but I also miss hanging out with my sisters! Even a quick glass of wine or a phone call is deeply meaningful for me. But, I also have a great deal of understanding about what parents are dealing with. Being a part of kid's lives is a reward in itself!
Hear hear, Natalie! Strong countersign to all of the above.
So true! 1:1 time or really just anything that reaches out with intention to my tender auntie heart. Could be just a message that said: 'this meme/song/painting/quote made me think of you'. I get rewarded for my auntie offerings on so many levels. But it's true that there's sometimes some room left for emotional reciprocity.
Totally agree. The 1:1 time is precious, and it means a lot when people prioritize it, even if it's brief. And staying interested in others' lives is key, too. Well put!
I love this insight, Natalie, thanks! It’s so wonderful for ME to have kid-free one on one time with aunties/uncles; good to know it can feel like tending the relationship on both sides. Thanks for being a stellar auntie to the kids in your life.
I appreciate this question a lot. I support a lot of people who have kids, and it can honestly feel a bit lonely and one-sided sometimes. What really helps are the people who invite me (and my partner) into their lives, kid chaos and all. I'll happily read a book to, dig in a dirt pile with, or feed a kiddo while parents are cleaning, cooking, whatever. I'm happy to fold laundry (as long as it's not mine 🤣), and same goes for doing dishes. People who believe and accept my offers of joining in with whatever is happening are people I get to continue being friends with. People who won't let me in because their house isn't clean, or their kids are noisy or whatever...those are the friendships that fade. And, by the way, I’ve found the folks who build their lives to include people are then also interacting enough that there will certainly be opportunities to talk about my life and needs, too. :) I'm not saying I want to be a nanny and maid as the only way to have a friendship, but there are seasons when those are the most viable for my friends, and I've been glad to be there for them.
Beautifully put, Bethann! I totally agree!
That all makes sense to me, Bethann. Feeling like a beloved family member — mess and all — is obviously so much better than feeling like a paid careworker without the pay, but it can veer into nanny territory if parents hold you at arm’s length or make it too one-sided. Thanks for everything you do.
Really appreciate the prompt, and loving reading others’ responses! As of now, the main routine childcare I perform is for our neighbors’ kids (4 & 9), but it’s a bit subject to their whims because it’s not strictly “childcare”, more like a playdate (where the people in the playdate happen to be adults, my partner and me), but I’m brainstorming ways to help it function more like true childcare so their parents can count on the weekly support. Recently, I got to pick them up from school (like another commenter said, it feels like a joyful milestone to make it onto a kid’s pickup list 🥲), and I’m weighing my capacity for driving (my regular life is very much on bike/foot) & committing to more pickup type arrangements.
My next big leap as Auntie is spending 5 weeks with my sister, her wife, and their 2.5 year old later this year when my sis is due with their second child. I’m equal parts deliriously happy to be in a position to offer this support, and nervous to see how it all plays out re: limited capacity/being away from home (I moved across the country). I’ll be referencing Auntie Bulletins & will be looking forward to reading more examples of how people have made it work! Thanks, as always, for this tether to all these people forging a path I hope to be on 🩵
ani lee, it sounds like there aren't many moving pieces left between you and providing a regular weekly childcare shift. It's so awesome. You've already got the relationships, the trust, the habits, the fun activities with kids -- a lot of Aunties would love to be this far along the routine-building process with their loved ones!
Adding car time to our lives can be kind of a bummer, especially if driving stresses you out. That said, I'll copy/paste something I just wrote to another commenter above (which I hadn't consciously recognized until something she said triggered this thought for me): "There's something really precious about driving around in cars with kids -- maybe because it's so conducive to focused conversation. There's not much else to do, so we might as well just chat with each other! I've also found that rides to and from places are among the most reliable times to get kids to actually report what they actually did that day, simply because they're not distracted by other things."
Meanwhile, pitching in on a 5 week stint when a new baby comes is bigtime Auntie behavior. I know your sister and her wife will be SO glad to have you. And, oof, you're probably going to get really tired! I can imagine in that suggestion feeling not really "entitled" to be tired, because the parents (especially your sister) will be even tireder than you, but I hope you'll still make room for and allow yourself to be tired and take rests! If you haven't already seen the "New Baby Bill of Rights" post from earlier this year, this one'll likely be a wealth of resources for you:
https://theauntie.substack.com/p/the-new-baby-bill-of-rights?r=nbcpy
Crowdsourced wisdom from the Aunties!
Late to the party but loving this thread, thank you, Lisa! The center of my auntie life is my chosen nibling, my friend’s nine-month old baby. During their pregnancy, I was really up front with my friend and said I wanted to support them as they became a parent and to be in their kid’s life. Shortly after that chat, they invited me to attend the birth - which was magical AND one of the most stressful weeks of my life because the labor was so long and the baby spent their first couple weeks in the NICU. My friend lives a block away from me, so the first three or four months I was over almost every day, feeding the baby, sanitizing bottles, doing laundry, taking out the trash, cooking meals. This summer was the best - I was on pickup duty from daycare so I had a weekly hang out with the baby, including bedtime. Nowadays, I help in whatever way I can once or twice a week. I’ve been traveling a lot and I always make sure I come by to say bye to my friend and their baby.
In the coming months (I’m not sure when yet!) I’ll be moving away for a year or so and I’m really bummed I’ll no longer be in walking distance of these friends. Do folks have advice for staying in touch and supporting parents and kids from a distance? We’re planning on doing video calls but looking for more ideas!
Diya, you have been so involved from the very beginning -- what a beautiful start to a lifelong Auntie relationship. I just love this story.
I'm planning to do an Auntie Collective Wisdom survey to crowdsource a post on long distance Auntie hacks before the end of the year. I'm anticipating a real wealth of insight and strategies there. In the meantime, it sounds like you're doing everything right and doing everything you can to support this little family. I'm glad it sounds like you'll be able to come back!
I may have mentioned this on other posts here, but the biggest thing I do for one family I support is spend $. Nor as much as if I had kids myself, but substantial $ to support the kids' interests and activities. I also promised when they were very little that I would make sure they always had good shoes and all the good winter gear they need. This doesn't mean a blank check for shopping, but does mean that when the middle school boy tells his mom the only acceptable shoe is a Croc, I remember the Payless sneakers from my childhood, and how flagrantly poor and uncool they were...and I just get the Crocs in his size and fav color and keep moving. Put another way, I am committed to supporting this family in every sense, and one thing I can do from the distance I live is supplement there finances meaningfully.
The other way I show up for parents is that I take a genuine interest in their kids. I host a monthly gathering and spend most of it undertaking kid-initiated projects. (I'm not much of an imaginary play person, even though I love fairy tales, etc., but I'll work on art, writing, construction, discussion, etc. quite happily.) I also purposely keep a couple of closets and cubby holes empty, so the kids have fun places to hide and play. And, I have been prepping 1-3 meals/week for over a year for two separate families who had infants last year. I love feeding them.
I also mentioned in a separate comment that I go way out of my way to celebrate, recognize, and affirm the moms in my life as women who are also parenting, not as only or mostly moms. The rest of society pigeon holes them there, and I work to support them in feeling like everything they want to be (including but not limited to, being moms).
I find I really like hearing stories about Aunties who financially support the kids and families in their lives. The Crocs are such a great example -- and the shoes and winter coats contribution generally. This really lands in my heart -- thank you for sharing it, and for your support for this family. I think this is a really good thing for Aunties without children to do with our money.
I also love how you're providing this structured monthly opportunity to hang with the kids you love. I could not agree more that taking an interest in our loved ones' kids is one of the best ways we can support parents. And three cheers for art, writing, construction, and discussion!
@Lisa I agree re hearing about others who are making financial contributions part of how they alloparent. I suppose a lot more people are doing it than are talking about it. It feels important to me to normalize extending our circles of care as part of financial planning. I also see it as an essential way to normalize people *accepting* financial support. Some of the people I help financially really struggle to accept help (money or otherwise), because they feel ashamed they aren't self-reliant. And I was raised in a sub-culture that saw needing help as morally reprehensible (unless the help was coming from god--and then it was laden with judgement anyway--or for major medical bills/accidents/house fires). The longer I am out in the world away from those toxic ideas, the more convinced I am that creativity and mutual reliance are two of humanity's greatest gifts. So, I try to mention financial support of others regularly, as one small gesture towards normalizing it as a vital part of giving and receiving care.
"Normalize extending our circles of care as part of financial planning." And normalize accepting financial support! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.
I love that you're mentioning it regularly. My "don't let the right hand know what the left hand is doing" mentality always tries to get me not to talk about helping and especially not to talk about offering financial assistance. I think part of the programming is also about not wanting to seem like I'm virtue signaling. But when we don't talk about it, people don't know that others are doing it! And then they're less likely to do it themselves!
Maybe this could also be a great idea for a post in Auntie Bulletin? I mean the financial care and how it can be hard to offer/accept it, even when it really makes sense. I'm curious to hear about other people's positive experiences! I've had very positive experiences in this area but also situations where I didn't know how and what, when things stayed a bit misty.
This is a good idea. In the interest of normalizing giving, I think it's worth it even though talking about what we give makes me uncomfortable. I'll put in on the list. :)
Yes, I 1000% agree that it can feel like bragging or virtue signaling. But maybe we need to embrace that. Positive peer pressure has made a lot of important things happen, and positively influencing individuals' spending towards mutual care will hopefully trickle up to positively influencing societal care. @Lisa, I'd be very happy to chat with you for that kind of piece, if you do plan to write about it. As an eldest sister with loads of interests (over time) that i advocated about to others, mostly with some sort of equity layer long before I knew to think about social justice-- and coming from a religious authoritarian childhood where peer pressure and social judgement drove a lot of our behavior--I think we can actually lean into positive peer pressure in important ways. There's plenty of negative peer pressure and social conditioning already. Let's counter it.
The funny thing is that to me, it feels more like I'm showing up for the children and young people in my life, and to a lesser extent for their parents. This may be because their parents only occasionally ask me to help out with something. Most of my auntie routines emerged because either I and/or the children were into them. Like taking my nephew and niece to their sports practice on many Saturdays, then spending the rest of the day together, sometimes followed by a sleepover. Or teaching my 19 year old godchild how to drive a car. Also a routine, multiple times a week: sharing dinner, dessert and kitchen clean-up with my 20 year old 'foster kid', to whom I'm an auntie rather than a parent.
This is such an intriguing distinction, Cece -- when are we showing up for kids, when for parents, and where's the overlap? I tend to think showing up for kids IS showing up for parents, but you're so right that it often doesn't feel that way. We might not even SEE the parents when we're hanging with the kids we love.
I love hearing about the ways you support the kids in your life!
OK this.
I really don't have great relationships with my siblings, but aspire to have fantastic relationships with their kids. My beef with my brothers goes way back and I'm just not sure it's going to go away, but I am committed to making sure that a) that doesn't get in the way of me being super-auntie as much as I can, and b) that I figure out (and do) whatever relationship-re-building is best for the kids. I feel really unsure of what balance is best for everyone -- I know I can't become besties with by brothers and don't enjoy hanging out with them a bunch, but I know I want them to know I'm here for them as parents.
In the meantime, trying to weasel my way into my niblings' lives is more difficult than it could be!
I'm a long distance auntie, so a lot of my help comes in bursts! I'm lucky in that I have a work from home gig, so I can travel to or with my siblings to help with the kids whenever it's needed, like when my brother and his wife had a destination wedding to attend in Idaho and a one-year-old to wrangle. I came with and did all the wrangling so they could actually enjoy a night out with friends they hadn't seen in years! I also just moved to a new house with a ton of farmland and my sister is already planning on sending her kids here during their school breaks so she and her husband can take their first trip together without kids in.... well, their oldest just started 7th grade.
Hey Emelie! I feel like working from home is a such a blessing in terms of (more often, but not always) having the flexibility to go help our loved ones out when they need it. Indeed, that's how you and I wound up getting to meet!
The more comments I read in this thread about how we Aunties are showing up for our loved ones, the more I just want to give us all a round of pats on the back. Wrangling a one year old is exactly the sort of thing that makes such a difference for parents to be able to have a good time at their own wedding! I also did baby duty for friends getting married at a destination wedding a couple of summers ago, and honestly it felt so much more meaningful than getting them, like, a food processor.
I'd love to hear how it goes when your sister's kids come to stay with you! I feel like a farm-type place is such a great place to host kids.
And congrats on your new place!
My current role just ended and I'm feeling mournful about it! I've been picking up my niece from pre-school one day a week for the past two years. Then we would go home for lunch (or sometimes go out for lunch) and just hang out till her big sister came home on the bus. It's been such a lovely time together! She just started full-day kindergarten, so I am trying to figure out what my time with them looks like. Definitely still grieving our time together, and excited to think about how I can continue to spend time with them on a weekly basis that helps their caregivers out.
Oh, I would feel so bummed in your position! What a special time you've been having. Do you anticipate that kindergarten pick-ups might be part of the new routine?
Sadly not since she takes the bus with her sister. I know I'll find new ways to connect, just living in a little bit of mourning right now!
Ah, got it. I think it's great that the kids are taking the bus -- AND it's a loss. I hope you can find another way to rotate in!
Ah, that lovely Christian teaching… which has literally made me less likely to do something good if someone else is in the room (I’m sure that’s not the only factor, but I do think that’s part of it).
But back to Auntie-ing! For a few years, I dropped off or picked up the kids of a family 3-5 times a week, because it fit pretty neatly with my schedule at the time (this was my senior year of high school, and I had a free period some mornings). Over the past few years, that role has become much more flexible as I’ve gone off to college, then went hiking for six months, and their family has gone on some extended trips as well, so we’re operating in a much more as-needed basis. They’ve also moved from 10 minutes away to 40 minutes away, which really impacts the structure of seeing them — less frequently, more planned, for longer stretches of time. Usually I take the kids out for 2-4 hours to the park, or bowling, or to the library, just so that their mom gets a break to clean up the house or do her own stuff. Sometimes we use the pool at their apartment complex. They’re getting old enough that they can play unsupervised, but according to apartment building rules, anyone under 18 near the pool needs an adult with them — which I understand, but I feel like is part of a larger conversation about the culture surrounding expectations of parental supervision, especially since this pool is literally in the center of the complex and their mom can look out the window and see them. So a big part of what I do now is just being there as an adult to reassure other adults that yes, those kids are supervised, while they do their own thing. It’s fun to do things with them, but also definitely less labor-intensive now that they come up with more activities on their own than when they were much smaller.
LOL, the childhood Christianity conditioning struggle is real! In an earlier draft of this post, I had some sentences about feeling like I shouldn't even let MYSELF know what I'm doing. Like "left hand, just get that Venmo app open real quick while the right hand isn't looking!"
I love how you've been involved with this family from such a young age yourself, Jenna. It's beautiful. I can imagine it feeling like kind of a blow to go from 10 minutes apart to 40 minutes -- that's a big difference. But it sounds like such a lovely arrangement you've sustained over time!
This is making me think sometime I should do an Auntie Collective Wisdom crowdsourced post about nanny grief and other forms of Auntie loss -- basically, when we're deeply involved in the lives of a certain kid or kids because it's our job, but then the work arrangement changes or goes away, and that relationship is lost. It's happened to nannies and caregivers and wet nurses and governesses throughout human history, and it's a really unacknowledged form of grief. I'm so glad you've been able to sustain your relationship with this family over time!
My heaviest auntie-lifting tends to be in the first few months of babyhood, which is partly just because I’ve now been through it (as an auntie) four times (with a fifth coming in January!) and can be a reassuring presence around what’s normal (almost everything) and how much worse it could be (my beautiful, perfect goddaughter Ramona has set the bar high for most difficult fourth trimester). Also now that I think about it, someone I love has given birth every year for the past three years, so that’s probably skewing my view of my own auntiehood. I do love newborn time, both because it is so sweet to cuddle a little smush and also because it feels amazing to be a grounded, regulated nervous system in a house of stressed and disregulated new parents and get them to like, sit and breathe for a half hour.
Yessss to all this.
I have loved getting to the point in life where I know I'll be able to bring a little calm and order and rest into a household with a new baby. It's a special kind of superpower and it locates us in a wise women's lineage as old as humanity itself.
I offered to pick up and drop off two girls that are my daughter’s friends for camp each summer. It is low key- they live close by- but getting to give them a big smile and then eavesdrop on their girlie combos after camp is wonderful. Plus, sometimes they hang out at if we want to afterwards at the city pool or playground. But really, it is just having the opportunity to hear them and give them little encouragements when they are nervous or rally if they are having a hard time or just snort belly laugh to celebrate. Those car rides are great.
Yay! I love camp drop-offs/pick-ups! There's something really precious about driving around in cars with kids -- maybe because it's so conducive to focused conversation. There's not much else to do, so we might as well just chat with each other! I've also found that rides to and from places are among the most reliable times to get kids to actually report what they actually did that day, simply because they're not distracted by other things.
I just spent a weekend at a wedding at a sleepaway camp and primarily hung out with my niblings and their parents, and did a lot of "you eat your food, I can hang out with the five year old."
I don't have such a consistent role right now but my best friend and I are praying that her current job search brings her back to NYC so that her toddler and I can live in the same city for the first time ever. I want nothing more than to be on the daycare pickup list for this kid!
Rachel, I feel like giving parents room to eat, connect with loved ones, etc. at a wedding is such a nice gift we can give them!
I really really hope your friend winds up in NYC -- and in your neighborhood if possible! Moving toward friends is, I feel, one of the absolutely most profound ways we can increase our net happiness and wellbeing in life. And if your friend has a toddler, I bet she's really longing for that.
I just wanted to check back on about a month after you posted this to tell you what it ultimately inspired me to do:
* A very dear friend called me crying one night because she's just exhausted by trying to raise a kid in fascism, preparing for difficult conversations with her aging and difficult (loving, but difficult) mother, not being able to rely on her partner for help in this because of partner-mother tension, and wanting to DO MORE but being limited since she does technically work in the judiciary. OOF. I listened and validated. Then the next day I told her that if it was break-glass-in-case-of-emergency, I could come in for a day (we're 2.5 easy hours apart), and if it was respite-on-the-horizon I could come in two weekends. She declined the offer, but I think it was meaningful that I made it.
* A fellow volunteer who's a professor AND a single mother to a neurodiverse kid told me she was completely overwhelmed and barely hanging on. Turns out her kid goes to a school less than a mile from my house, so I told her, if you ever need a pickup/dropoff, feel free to ask. A few days later, the ask came for the end of this month, and I accepted. I'm excited that she took me up on it so quickly so that the ice is broken on it, so to speak.
I say all this not as a boast, but as a testimonial for the awareness raised by this Substack (you + commenters) and the practical suggestions provided here, too.
Yay! Sadye, these outcomes absolutely make my day! Thank you so much for circling back to share them! Would it be OK if I share an anonymized version of your story about offering kid pick up on substack notes? I have found that people get really inspired and excited by stories about people offering and giving help, and Will often then chime in that they will now try it it too! These stories are so infectious!!
Yes, absolutely to the anonymized sharing! You're 100% right that the **individual** stories win people over, period.
Thank you so much!
I subscribed tonight so that I could comment on this post! ;) (And the subscription sale didn't hurt either, lol.) We have two nephews, now 33 & 36. Between them, they have three kids of their own now, our two great-nephews and great-niece.
When the boys were growing up, we lived 45-60 minutes away -- so we mostly saw them once or twice a month at their grandfather's house, and on occasions like birthdays, holidays, etc. And for a number of those years, we expected we would have children of our own someday. By the time we realized it wasn't going to happen -- and grieved that loss -- they were teenagers, young men. Still, I think we were a pretty good aunt & uncle to them. We showed up for all the big events, we babysat them occasionally, we were generous with presents, I took tons of photos of them. We gave them both money when they graduated from high school to help them with further schooling or training.
About 10 years ago, we moved closer to where they lived, and were able to spend more time with them, including helping out with their wedding preparations. We bought them things they needed for their new homes, and spoiled their dog.
The arrival of the next generation has been a whole lot of fun. :) We're both retired now, and living closer has meant we could be there for them in a way we couldn't for their dads. We opened RESPs (Registered Education Saving Plans) for all three of them and make monthly contributions, in addition to the usual birthday & Christmas gifts (plus goodie bags for Easter, Valentine's Day and Halloween). I rarely leave the mall without buying some cute T-shirt or outfit that I've seen for one or more of them. ;) And I still take tons of photos and share them with their parents & grandparents. Their grandmother has provided daycare for them when their moms' maternity leaves have ended, and we've carved out at least one morning a week to spend there with them (and give her a bit of a break!). We've also been the default fill-in sitters when she's had appointments, etc. We spent a LOT of time with our oldest little great-nephew when his grandfather became seriously ill a few years ago, and needed to attend a lot of medical appointments, etc. (He's much better now!) While I wish the need hadn't been there, we are so glad that we were able to have that time with him before he went off to school!
We will always be a little sad we never got to be parents -- and nothing will make up for that hole in our lives -- but being an auntie & uncle has still been a pretty great thing on its own. :)