How Do Aunties Show Up for the Parents in Our Lives?
Normalize generosity and care.
Today at The Auntie Bulletin, I’m debuting our monthly discussion thread. I’m excited, and also nervous. It feels like inviting a bunch of people I don’t know very well to a party. Will anybody show up? Will you talk to each other? Will it be fun? Eek! I hope so!
Our inaugural discussion topic is: “How do you show up for the parents in your life?” I’m so curious (read: nosy) about the specifics of what we Aunties and alloparents are offering to families. A ton of what we do is impromptu, fun, and brief. It may not feel like generosity at all, because frankly, it’s easy. On the other hand, a lot of us also have regularly scheduled and/or load-bearing roles. We may perform childcare duties that the families in our lives really couldn’t do without. And we may be very acquainted with tantrums and huge messes and the other aspects of childcare that aren’t always so fun. But we do these things out of love.
I’ll start us off, and begin by acknowledging that it can be hard to talk about what we give! Growing up in a devout Christian household, I absorbed the lesson that we should practice generosity, but we should not talk about it. In the Biblical book of Matthew, Jesus taught: “When you give to the needy, don’t let the right hand know what the left hand is doing.” This teaching really landed with me from an early age: if we keep our good deeds a secret, we can offer them from a place of care and for our own wellbeing, rather than in order to gain external approval.
But Aunties, I’m increasingly feeling like our hurting, fractured, fearful culture needs us to name our generosities. We need to normalize the idea that showing up and caring for others is part of a good and happy life – indeed, it’s essential. Our culture badly needs Auntie narratives right now, and one of the ways we can cultivate those is by first sharing and celebrating them among ourselves.
So let’s make our stories of care and generosity visible. Here’s what I do for the families in my life:
For the past few years, I’ve been picking up some kids I love from school once a week. I go to the school and mill around in the herd of parents and grandparents until the bell rings and the kids come out with their teachers. I make sure the kids get an after-school snack, and then we just hang out and have fun for a couple hours until their parents are done with work. Sometimes I also need to get a kid ready for gymnastics or soccer practice or whatever. The particular day of the week and what we do with our after-school time has evolved with the family’s needs, but the parents know they’ll be able to count on me for one day a week of after-school childcare. At the beginning of each school year, I make sure to re-volunteer so the parents know my heart’s still in it, and I invite them to pick whatever day of the week works for them.
My partner and I also provide dinner for our co-housing community two nights a week, which means our friends don’t have to cook or do dishes on those nights. We all eat together, and the kids in our community often wind up hanging out with us before or after the meal. This isn’t an official arrangement, but it does function to give the parents a little break.
Beyond that, my partner and I fill in childcare and transportation for a few families we love on an as-needed basis. Some weeks, I wind up doing only that one afternoon after school. Others, one or both of us might go over and hold a new baby for a few hours while a parent gets a nap, or help with kids’ bedtime, or drive someone to drum practice, or travel to fill in longer childcare gaps for our loved ones.
That’s it. Those are the main things I do to show up for the parents in my life. Some of it is scheduled and some unscheduled; sometimes I volunteer and sometimes I’m asked; some of what I do is absolutely load-bearing and some is unnecessary but just nice. Given my disability, my capacity is limited, but on the other hand, since my job is so flexible I can usually make parents’ requests work – especially with advance notice.
Alright, Aunties, your turn. What are you giving to the families in your life? How have you shown up in the past, and what do you hope to offer in the future? Parents, we’d love to hear from you as well. What does the village provide for your family?
This comment thread is for paid subscribers. Join us!
I live in a different state from my five nephews, so I make sure to pack in lots of help and bonding when home for a visit. I stayed with my younger sister for two weeks after each of her births. I was there to clean, run errands for groceries, hold the baby so Mom and Dad could sleep, basically just an extra pair of hands. I also coordinated their meal train. Sadly, my big sister had her oldest just before the pandemic and her twins during it, so I wasn't there for the immediate postpartum period.
Now I always watch the kids when I visit, so both sets of parents can have a date night. I actually play with the kids during family gatherings so their parents can sit and chat with adults. Also, I am hands-on. I will wipe a sticky face, clean up vomit, change a diaper, run through the sprinkler. That way, I don't have to hand them off when things get tricky. Decades of babysitting and nanny experience came in handy here.
I'm also the go-to "pop culture" auntie. My sister Facetimes me when she's tired of talking about Marvel or Star Wars with my oldest nephew. I never get tired of his questions! Every once in a while, I send my sisters a Venmo for coffee or takeout, just because.
They're all under 5, but I'm already thinking about how I can support their parents going forward. Will I be the aunt who takes a nephew or two for a few weeks each summer? The one the teens go to for advice? The one who travels with them? I'm thinking about starting a small savings fund for their education as well.
When friends have kids, I make it clear that I love babies and talking about parenting. So many young parents feel like they're boring their childfree friends when they talk about their kids (or pregnancy and birth), but because of my auntie experience, I make space for them and try to meet them where they are.
I can't wait to get ideas from other aunties!
I've realized that my network of close friends at this stage in my life is pretty far-flung geographically, so I'm not in a position to hang out in person with many of my friends' kids. What I DO think I've been able to offer, for my writer friends who are moms, is a space to talk about non-mom stuff when they want a chance to focus on their hobbies and intellectual interests. Not all of my mom friends have expressed an interest in this, but some have, and I feel like that's something I can offer.
For the kiddos in my physical proximity like my godson and my nephew, I try to make an effort to keep up with their interests and focus on doing stuff WITH them (i.e. playing chess, going to the renaissance faire, building rockets together) instead of buying stuff FOR them. That way there's an adult in their life who is excited about what they're excited about, and willing to participate in it when their parents might be a little tapped out.
I love the idea of doing things like school pick-up, help with bath or bedtime, etc. but I realized I'm maybe not close enough with my friends to ask to be in their spaces for those kinds of things, or at least I almost feel like I'm intruding if I offer. I still like this idea, though, and for those who do it, I'd be curious how you approached the arrangement initially!