Community building definitely doesn't come naturally to me. I didn't practice it or observe it much as a kid -- I was lucky enough to have a supportive nuclear family and enough school friends to the point where community just seemed automatic. Like many others, as an adult I realized that community is anything but automatic and we sometimes have to work hard to make communities happen!
In my adulthood I've learned the most about community from a long running meditation group in my area. At first, we would just meet, sit silently, share a little bit about how we were doing, then all disperse. At some point, someone offered to bring snacks for those who wanted to stick around after and chat. Somehow, that was the spark that we needed and all of a sudden we were gathered around a plate of strawberries and carrots laughing and getting to know each other. That little gathering grew into game nights, summer picnics, and yearly trips together.
From that I learned that the difference between a mostly anonymous group of people and a tight community can be just a little bit of effort! That's not to say I'm perfect at applying this (I tend toward introversion) but I do now keep my eyes open for opportunities to nudge things in the direction of community.
“opportunities to nudge things in the direction of community”
I love this notion - I think this is what I’m trying to do as well, and I’m always surprised at how high the activation energy for this can be! I know I just need to keep trying, to build the muscle of nudging if nothing else.
For sure both of my parents although in very different ways! My Dad always had a strong circle of friends since childhood and his career was dedicated to helping others. My Mom was the one always volunteering to bring meals to folks and help others out. She taught me so much about helping others the way they want to be helped, not the way you want to help them. It's harder and more challenging, but truly a beautiful lesson for us all
My parents were really amazing examples of building caregiving into your daily and weekly routines. They fostered children, took weekly dinner to elderly and disabled neighbors and sat with them for conversation and meals, welcomed people into their home for long and short times of need, gave financially to worthy organizations, and so much more. This example, however, was really tied up with my parents’ Christian faith and with my own faith, and I’ve realized only recently how many feelings of guilt and inadequacy came with it. I was always the person to organize the meal train, offer up my home, stay up late to help a struggling friend. But it was never enough, and I felt constantly guilty. I often still do. This was not the fault of my parents, but rather a combination of their beautiful example with some really damaging church teachings around the need to be selfless and do good works.
As part of my deconstruction journey, I’m working to extract caregiving from guilt, and to do it in ways that are healthier for me (and probably others as well).
I really identify with this guilt from Christian values, and have spent a long time untangling that. For me it was actually following the joy that led me to being an auntie. I wanted “helping out” to be more about relationship than about service. And for me kid time is joyful, even when it’s hard
I'm so thrilled to read this. I knew about elephants, but not whales. Humans have this nanny instinct, but our nuclear family structure often isolates young mothers. I'm so glad you are talking about this.
Heck yeah! If you're interested in this content, Earth, I hope you'll subscribe to my newsletter, The Auntie Bulletin. "Humans have the nanny instinct, but our nuclear family structures often isolate mothers." This is exactly what my newsletter is about! And a lot more... https://theauntie.substack.com/
What a cool perspective - I have been lucky enough to experience a lot of strong female role models in my life (my mom is wonderful but these women were mom-adjacent) who have had wildly different life experiences & perspectives. I’ll be following this post with interest!
I read somewhere, I think in Hrdy's book, that it's only 3% of animal species that engage in alloparenting. Once I start thinking about it, that number does seem low for just the reason you mention!
I feel like I had to learn how to have real community, the kind that’s built on mutual care and trust. Charity, helping out, being there in a crisis was modeled for me, but it was about Doing Good, not relationship. And relationship matters to me most
Community building definitely doesn't come naturally to me. I didn't practice it or observe it much as a kid -- I was lucky enough to have a supportive nuclear family and enough school friends to the point where community just seemed automatic. Like many others, as an adult I realized that community is anything but automatic and we sometimes have to work hard to make communities happen!
In my adulthood I've learned the most about community from a long running meditation group in my area. At first, we would just meet, sit silently, share a little bit about how we were doing, then all disperse. At some point, someone offered to bring snacks for those who wanted to stick around after and chat. Somehow, that was the spark that we needed and all of a sudden we were gathered around a plate of strawberries and carrots laughing and getting to know each other. That little gathering grew into game nights, summer picnics, and yearly trips together.
From that I learned that the difference between a mostly anonymous group of people and a tight community can be just a little bit of effort! That's not to say I'm perfect at applying this (I tend toward introversion) but I do now keep my eyes open for opportunities to nudge things in the direction of community.
"The difference between a mostly anonymous group of people and a tight community can be just a little bit of effort!" This is so true!
“opportunities to nudge things in the direction of community”
I love this notion - I think this is what I’m trying to do as well, and I’m always surprised at how high the activation energy for this can be! I know I just need to keep trying, to build the muscle of nudging if nothing else.
For sure both of my parents although in very different ways! My Dad always had a strong circle of friends since childhood and his career was dedicated to helping others. My Mom was the one always volunteering to bring meals to folks and help others out. She taught me so much about helping others the way they want to be helped, not the way you want to help them. It's harder and more challenging, but truly a beautiful lesson for us all
My parents were really amazing examples of building caregiving into your daily and weekly routines. They fostered children, took weekly dinner to elderly and disabled neighbors and sat with them for conversation and meals, welcomed people into their home for long and short times of need, gave financially to worthy organizations, and so much more. This example, however, was really tied up with my parents’ Christian faith and with my own faith, and I’ve realized only recently how many feelings of guilt and inadequacy came with it. I was always the person to organize the meal train, offer up my home, stay up late to help a struggling friend. But it was never enough, and I felt constantly guilty. I often still do. This was not the fault of my parents, but rather a combination of their beautiful example with some really damaging church teachings around the need to be selfless and do good works.
As part of my deconstruction journey, I’m working to extract caregiving from guilt, and to do it in ways that are healthier for me (and probably others as well).
Your parents sounds amazing, Jeannie. It must be hard to live up to their example!
I'm trying to extract caregiving from guilt, too -- may we both succeed at this sooner than later!
I really identify with this guilt from Christian values, and have spent a long time untangling that. For me it was actually following the joy that led me to being an auntie. I wanted “helping out” to be more about relationship than about service. And for me kid time is joyful, even when it’s hard
I'm so thrilled to read this. I knew about elephants, but not whales. Humans have this nanny instinct, but our nuclear family structure often isolates young mothers. I'm so glad you are talking about this.
Heck yeah! If you're interested in this content, Earth, I hope you'll subscribe to my newsletter, The Auntie Bulletin. "Humans have the nanny instinct, but our nuclear family structures often isolate mothers." This is exactly what my newsletter is about! And a lot more... https://theauntie.substack.com/
What a cool perspective - I have been lucky enough to experience a lot of strong female role models in my life (my mom is wonderful but these women were mom-adjacent) who have had wildly different life experiences & perspectives. I’ll be following this post with interest!
I thought this was common practice among many species as it increases the chance for survival.
I read somewhere, I think in Hrdy's book, that it's only 3% of animal species that engage in alloparenting. Once I start thinking about it, that number does seem low for just the reason you mention!
I feel like I had to learn how to have real community, the kind that’s built on mutual care and trust. Charity, helping out, being there in a crisis was modeled for me, but it was about Doing Good, not relationship. And relationship matters to me most