I've been thinking about this premise of having it all because I personally don't believe that anyone can really have it all (whatever all means to them). I will say as a person who loves being an auntie, I also yearn to have children of my own. It hasn't happened yet, it may never happen for me and I'm coming to terms with that for myself. I remind myself to enjoy the going home part, and I really do - is there anything better than a full night's sleep after being up all night with a crying child?? Too often the going home part however feels like a cruel reminder that I don't have my own kids. It's a catch 22 of course because if I had my own kids, I wouldn't be able to spend time weekly with my nieces and give them that undivided attention. Sharing that perspective! For those who don't want their own children, I'm sure it feels more like having it all.
These are such good points, Lizzie. As I'm getting The Auntie Bulletin up and running, I'm still calibrating around how I want to talk about these really sensitive issues, and learning who my audience is. As someone who previously experienced infertility and the agony of it, but then was lucky enough to kind of be able to move through that, I REALLY don't want to lose sight of the reality that infertility and involuntary childlessness remain painful for many people. Thank you for the call in. I really apologize and I will do better.
As a human who lives several hours away from all the kiddos in my life, I am living vicariously through the idea of living next door 😭 how amazing to see them grow up every day
I appreciate the part about reciprocating support (and the impossibility of it?). I have long struggled with feeling like I could never repay what the aunties in my kids' lives have done for us, and have been terrible about asking for help because how could I ever reciprocate the same? In fact, I think I gravitate toward other moms for support because it feels like less of an ask, what's another kid if you are already looking after one or two? But usually what happens is that the mom sees the added kid as a playmate to her own kids (so her own kids stop trying to talk to her) and thus, a way to get shit done, but an auntie would actually interact with the kid/s and what do kids want more than a grown up's undivided attention? I ALSO love how you imagine Glynnis MacNicol going off on her own to her hotel room because I spend a lot of time thinking about going off to a hotel room by myself and watching TV, so appreciated that little picture you painted.
Ooh this is interesting because as an Auntie I often have found that mothers I'm not related to have trouble accepting my offers of help. They don't think I'm genuinely offering to care for their kids or have a relationship. Some will accept some babysitting or some level of care, others dismiss my offers repeatedly as if I am only offering to be kind. I sometimes struggle because I do genuinely mean it!
This is so fascinating. So, Emily is a mom who's worried about asking Aunties for help, and Lizzie is an Auntie who's been rebuffed by moms when she's offered help. This makes me wish for more spaces for cultural conversations between parents and non-parents regarding what we hope for from each other. I would love to help make both of y'all's experiences more visible so that we could all work on this together.
Welp, I spelled Glynnis MacNicol's name totally wrong. Not enough N's, too many H's. This is what happens when I try to rely on my memory for things. Sorry, Glynnis MacNicol!
Four months ago, I moved to my current apartment building because it is where the mother of the kids in my life lives. The rental was good for me otherwise, I didn't sacrifice a thing I wanted, but I made that specific choice in order to be nearby.
Laughably, as these things go, I've seen less of them since I've been 500 feet away than I did when I was 200 miles away. That acceptance of things as they are with them is a big part of this. They are the only people I have ever given so much to whom I require so little from. It matters more to them that I took them to see the first showing of the Taylor Swift movie last year than the dozens of rides, pick-ups, meals, baths, etc. I made happen over the previous decade.
That's cool, they're kids. I want them to be who they are. If I was their parent, I think I'd be inclined to enforce some standard of behavior, something I don't even care to conceive of. Eff that noise. I just want to hang out. I let their mom nag them.
Richard, I read this when you posted it the other day but then my intention to reply got buried in email quicksand. That said, your line "They are the only people I have ever given so much to whom I require so little from" has been knocking around in my head -- such a clear and concise way to sum up an idea that I find myself often writing in circles around!
I also appreciate your point about accepting the ebbs and flows of relationships with kids. Sometimes they want to spend a lot of time with you, sometimes it's just good for them to know we'll have their back if they need us.
I'm flattered my line stuck in your head, but I have to confess I was hacking Churchill's line "Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few" about the RAF in WW2. I remember what defined a desirable adult in my life when I was their age. It was the lack of judgment and complicated expectations. I just want to be someone in their life about whom when they are asked, they say: "oh, he's cool." That's the only bar I try to clear. Thanks again for the kind words.
I've been thinking about this premise of having it all because I personally don't believe that anyone can really have it all (whatever all means to them). I will say as a person who loves being an auntie, I also yearn to have children of my own. It hasn't happened yet, it may never happen for me and I'm coming to terms with that for myself. I remind myself to enjoy the going home part, and I really do - is there anything better than a full night's sleep after being up all night with a crying child?? Too often the going home part however feels like a cruel reminder that I don't have my own kids. It's a catch 22 of course because if I had my own kids, I wouldn't be able to spend time weekly with my nieces and give them that undivided attention. Sharing that perspective! For those who don't want their own children, I'm sure it feels more like having it all.
These are such good points, Lizzie. As I'm getting The Auntie Bulletin up and running, I'm still calibrating around how I want to talk about these really sensitive issues, and learning who my audience is. As someone who previously experienced infertility and the agony of it, but then was lucky enough to kind of be able to move through that, I REALLY don't want to lose sight of the reality that infertility and involuntary childlessness remain painful for many people. Thank you for the call in. I really apologize and I will do better.
As a human who lives several hours away from all the kiddos in my life, I am living vicariously through the idea of living next door 😭 how amazing to see them grow up every day
I appreciate the part about reciprocating support (and the impossibility of it?). I have long struggled with feeling like I could never repay what the aunties in my kids' lives have done for us, and have been terrible about asking for help because how could I ever reciprocate the same? In fact, I think I gravitate toward other moms for support because it feels like less of an ask, what's another kid if you are already looking after one or two? But usually what happens is that the mom sees the added kid as a playmate to her own kids (so her own kids stop trying to talk to her) and thus, a way to get shit done, but an auntie would actually interact with the kid/s and what do kids want more than a grown up's undivided attention? I ALSO love how you imagine Glynnis MacNicol going off on her own to her hotel room because I spend a lot of time thinking about going off to a hotel room by myself and watching TV, so appreciated that little picture you painted.
Ooh this is interesting because as an Auntie I often have found that mothers I'm not related to have trouble accepting my offers of help. They don't think I'm genuinely offering to care for their kids or have a relationship. Some will accept some babysitting or some level of care, others dismiss my offers repeatedly as if I am only offering to be kind. I sometimes struggle because I do genuinely mean it!
This is so fascinating. So, Emily is a mom who's worried about asking Aunties for help, and Lizzie is an Auntie who's been rebuffed by moms when she's offered help. This makes me wish for more spaces for cultural conversations between parents and non-parents regarding what we hope for from each other. I would love to help make both of y'all's experiences more visible so that we could all work on this together.
Welp, I spelled Glynnis MacNicol's name totally wrong. Not enough N's, too many H's. This is what happens when I try to rely on my memory for things. Sorry, Glynnis MacNicol!
Four months ago, I moved to my current apartment building because it is where the mother of the kids in my life lives. The rental was good for me otherwise, I didn't sacrifice a thing I wanted, but I made that specific choice in order to be nearby.
Laughably, as these things go, I've seen less of them since I've been 500 feet away than I did when I was 200 miles away. That acceptance of things as they are with them is a big part of this. They are the only people I have ever given so much to whom I require so little from. It matters more to them that I took them to see the first showing of the Taylor Swift movie last year than the dozens of rides, pick-ups, meals, baths, etc. I made happen over the previous decade.
That's cool, they're kids. I want them to be who they are. If I was their parent, I think I'd be inclined to enforce some standard of behavior, something I don't even care to conceive of. Eff that noise. I just want to hang out. I let their mom nag them.
Richard, I read this when you posted it the other day but then my intention to reply got buried in email quicksand. That said, your line "They are the only people I have ever given so much to whom I require so little from" has been knocking around in my head -- such a clear and concise way to sum up an idea that I find myself often writing in circles around!
I also appreciate your point about accepting the ebbs and flows of relationships with kids. Sometimes they want to spend a lot of time with you, sometimes it's just good for them to know we'll have their back if they need us.
I'm flattered my line stuck in your head, but I have to confess I was hacking Churchill's line "Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few" about the RAF in WW2. I remember what defined a desirable adult in my life when I was their age. It was the lack of judgment and complicated expectations. I just want to be someone in their life about whom when they are asked, they say: "oh, he's cool." That's the only bar I try to clear. Thanks again for the kind words.