Lovely stories about your grandmothers, and how lucky you were to have them for so long and so close.
My maternal grandmother had dementia and the family, with some outside help, was able to care for her in her home for a couple of years. Hard, sometimes awful work, but worthwhile.
Grandma's younger sister, my great-aunt, hadn't even developed full-on dementia yet when two of her kids began financially exploiting her and isolating her from the other child and a niece (my mom) who were actively helping her remain independent.
My paternal grandfather was widowed earlier than expected, and again, one of his five kids (my dad) stepped up for emotional and logistical assistance. The other four ... well ... they weren't as awful as my mom's cousins, but they certainly didn't want to be helping him. Eventually, he fell, broke a hip, and spent the last few years of his life in a nursing home. Which, hey, took great care of him!
But I think about my great-aunt and my paternal grandpa a lot when people (usually from other cultures) express dismay that I don't have kids because who will take care of me. Clearly there is no guarantee your kids WILL take care of you ....
It didn’t occur to me until reading this essay how lucky all four of my grandparents were to need less than a year of intensive care before they passed. Two of them were living independently when they died.
Despite the fact that parents say they don’t have kids to ensure their own care, one of the primary reasons I am cultivating intergenerational community is to ensure my own care. Not that I expect any specific kid or kids in my life to step up to the plate, but I soothe myself with the thought that if enough people younger than me love me, I will be safe.
I am in Switzerland. At first I was confused by Plan Switzerland because: here you have the right to enter the nursing home of your Gemeinde (commune?).
Wow, Emily -- really?? I can't imagine what it would be like to live with such a beautiful social safety net. I am so happy for you, and everyone in Switzerland. Oh, to have good choices!
And… while it is currently good, the current trends in many areas are to copy American ways. We had a referendum on a bill/law to change how nursing home payments are funded, moving it from the canton’s responsibility to the insurance’s. With the argument that more people would stay at home rather than go to nursing homes and that’s a good thing. (But people in nursing homes can’t stay at home, otherwise they would.)
And now there is a very new one allowing basic health insurance to deny coverage. Which previously was not allowed. There is/was a list of what basic health insurance *must* cover. (For everything else you can get additional plans.)
I think about fostering intergenerational friendships, and how it happens without the set boundaries of something like church. How do I befriend and care for the generation of elders who I'll someday soon join? And connect with those younger?
I joined a community orchestra with members ranging from young Gen Z to octogenarian, but haven't managed to make many friendships there, yet.
I did feel hopeful at seeing the many photos from protests this weekend -- they seemed to be very multigenerational, and a bonding experience for many. Perhaps a powerful enough bond to be lasting?
Community orchestra! I love this. I’ve got a post coming soon about befriending our elders and one of the things I’m going to talk about is hanging out in spaces where elders hang out. How long have you been doing the community Orchestra? Do you get many opportunities to just chat in that space or is it mostly like show up, play music, go home?
This is my second season with the orchestra -- not many opportunities to chat while we're playing, and I'm just not extroverted enough to approach people during rehearsal. There are occasional purely social moments like an end of season picnic, which is nice!
Some of the younger guys tried to set up a standing drinks meetup after rehearsals, but once we're done at 930pm (unsurprisingly), not ONE of the older folks ever decided to join for a beer 😆
Mostly I think just being there and contributing to a setting that allows elders (and everyone!) a space to enjoy music communally is a good service, whether or not I make any friendships that translate outside that space.
My friends and I always half joke about building a commune, and while I love my little city flat for me right now, I'd love for us to talk seriously about coming together in some kind of housing community a couple of decades down the line.
I think that the "transactional" hope that if you care for elders in your life now, people will care for you when you need it is absolutely right though! Maybe it's not transactional but mutual or relational? We build the communities we want to live in. I'm a huge believer in what I call moving karma: I will always offer to help someone when they move house, and I've always had people to help me when I've needed to move. And that's not necessarily the same people who I originally helped, but somehow putting that energy out there means it generally comes back to you. Hopefully that's true when it comes to larger acts of bare and support too!
“Moving karma” is SUCH an excellent example of this principle!!”
I hope we all make little housing communities where we can get care as we age. I think the more we try to build these wherever we are with whatever setup we can manage, the more policymakers may be encouraged to ease the process for others. May it be so!
Thank you, Walter! I'm so glad you could read about them. I wish you and my Grandma Sis in particular could have met -- you would have LOVED each other.
My plan is to learn as much as I can about the systems in place to support aging and do what I can to make them better before I need them. Jody Day is on the right track with community building.
My own mother has taken a unique path, adopting a caregiver as her legal daughter. I have learned over a few painful years to accept that decision.
Lovely stories about your grandmothers, and how lucky you were to have them for so long and so close.
My maternal grandmother had dementia and the family, with some outside help, was able to care for her in her home for a couple of years. Hard, sometimes awful work, but worthwhile.
Grandma's younger sister, my great-aunt, hadn't even developed full-on dementia yet when two of her kids began financially exploiting her and isolating her from the other child and a niece (my mom) who were actively helping her remain independent.
My paternal grandfather was widowed earlier than expected, and again, one of his five kids (my dad) stepped up for emotional and logistical assistance. The other four ... well ... they weren't as awful as my mom's cousins, but they certainly didn't want to be helping him. Eventually, he fell, broke a hip, and spent the last few years of his life in a nursing home. Which, hey, took great care of him!
But I think about my great-aunt and my paternal grandpa a lot when people (usually from other cultures) express dismay that I don't have kids because who will take care of me. Clearly there is no guarantee your kids WILL take care of you ....
NO GUARANTEE! This is so right.
It didn’t occur to me until reading this essay how lucky all four of my grandparents were to need less than a year of intensive care before they passed. Two of them were living independently when they died.
Despite the fact that parents say they don’t have kids to ensure their own care, one of the primary reasons I am cultivating intergenerational community is to ensure my own care. Not that I expect any specific kid or kids in my life to step up to the plate, but I soothe myself with the thought that if enough people younger than me love me, I will be safe.
"If enough people younger than me love me, I will be safe." This is so well put. MAY IT BE SO!
I am in Switzerland. At first I was confused by Plan Switzerland because: here you have the right to enter the nursing home of your Gemeinde (commune?).
Wow, Emily -- really?? I can't imagine what it would be like to live with such a beautiful social safety net. I am so happy for you, and everyone in Switzerland. Oh, to have good choices!
It doesn’t mean free, but if you can’t pay there is a net. That said, some people in (and not in) nursing homes belong to Exit and some don’t.
And… while it is currently good, the current trends in many areas are to copy American ways. We had a referendum on a bill/law to change how nursing home payments are funded, moving it from the canton’s responsibility to the insurance’s. With the argument that more people would stay at home rather than go to nursing homes and that’s a good thing. (But people in nursing homes can’t stay at home, otherwise they would.)
And now there is a very new one allowing basic health insurance to deny coverage. Which previously was not allowed. There is/was a list of what basic health insurance *must* cover. (For everything else you can get additional plans.)
Ugh, I'm so sorry. The American model of healthcare is the worst export ever.
I think about fostering intergenerational friendships, and how it happens without the set boundaries of something like church. How do I befriend and care for the generation of elders who I'll someday soon join? And connect with those younger?
I joined a community orchestra with members ranging from young Gen Z to octogenarian, but haven't managed to make many friendships there, yet.
I did feel hopeful at seeing the many photos from protests this weekend -- they seemed to be very multigenerational, and a bonding experience for many. Perhaps a powerful enough bond to be lasting?
Community orchestra! I love this. I’ve got a post coming soon about befriending our elders and one of the things I’m going to talk about is hanging out in spaces where elders hang out. How long have you been doing the community Orchestra? Do you get many opportunities to just chat in that space or is it mostly like show up, play music, go home?
This is my second season with the orchestra -- not many opportunities to chat while we're playing, and I'm just not extroverted enough to approach people during rehearsal. There are occasional purely social moments like an end of season picnic, which is nice!
Some of the younger guys tried to set up a standing drinks meetup after rehearsals, but once we're done at 930pm (unsurprisingly), not ONE of the older folks ever decided to join for a beer 😆
Mostly I think just being there and contributing to a setting that allows elders (and everyone!) a space to enjoy music communally is a good service, whether or not I make any friendships that translate outside that space.
My friends and I always half joke about building a commune, and while I love my little city flat for me right now, I'd love for us to talk seriously about coming together in some kind of housing community a couple of decades down the line.
I think that the "transactional" hope that if you care for elders in your life now, people will care for you when you need it is absolutely right though! Maybe it's not transactional but mutual or relational? We build the communities we want to live in. I'm a huge believer in what I call moving karma: I will always offer to help someone when they move house, and I've always had people to help me when I've needed to move. And that's not necessarily the same people who I originally helped, but somehow putting that energy out there means it generally comes back to you. Hopefully that's true when it comes to larger acts of bare and support too!
“Moving karma” is SUCH an excellent example of this principle!!”
I hope we all make little housing communities where we can get care as we age. I think the more we try to build these wherever we are with whatever setup we can manage, the more policymakers may be encouraged to ease the process for others. May it be so!
Care, not bare!...
Many cheers to you and your grandmothers, Lisa. And I love your incantation. May it be so!
Thank you, Walter! I'm so glad you could read about them. I wish you and my Grandma Sis in particular could have met -- you would have LOVED each other.
My plan is to learn as much as I can about the systems in place to support aging and do what I can to make them better before I need them. Jody Day is on the right track with community building.
My own mother has taken a unique path, adopting a caregiver as her legal daughter. I have learned over a few painful years to accept that decision.
Wow, Deidre, that sounds like... an intense situation. I can imagine it being painful. Sending hugs.