I am NOT childfree but my son is not genetically related to me (donor conceived, carried by a gestational surrogate). I had to accept that I could not/should not have genetic children at a very early age. I grieved at the doctor's office when he told me ("you SHOULD NOT HAVE CHILDREN" he said when I was 15 or so). In many cultures, there's A LOT of push to have kids (read: genetic children) and to do it ASAP after you get married (don't even THINK about not getting married at all). The older generations are SO stuck in a certain mindset!!!
Cynthia, thanks for sharing this. I feel like life is hard enough without having various cultural expectations pushed on us not only about WHETHER to have kids but even about HOW to have kids. I'm glad you were able to make the decision that was right for you.
Lisa,I identify as childless-not-by-choice after five miscarriages much like you described your miscarriages – easy to get pregnant, hard to keep them. Having seen their heartbeats, then having those visits were there is no heartbeat… That trauma will always be there inside me. I haven’t gotten to the place where I’m happy to be childless. Although I am an aunt to more than 75 people, it does not fulfill the loss that I feel in my day-to-day life. Being the youngest of 10 children and growing up with my nieces and nephews, I hated being called “aunt”, so it has a negative connotation for me from the get-go. I have a special capacity to give, maybe because I have this extra space available, or maybe because I long for connection that is not satisfied as those are in a nuclear family. I know it is valuable to celebrate our “auntie” role. Sometimes it just feels like you don’t get the good stuff. so my ratio of good to sorrow would be 1:5 at the moment, but I hope life will bring new opportunities to improve on that ratio! Thanks for your post!
Hello, fellow person who gets it. Multiple pregnancy loss is so, so brutal. I utterly agree about seeing the heartbeat and then not seeing it the next time. It's a heartbreak that most people just can't fully understand.
Meanwhile, you are an aunt to more than 75!! That must be hard to have so many kids in your life when you are longing to have kids of your own. It makes me so sad to hear that you're not getting the good stuff. The good stuff is what Auntie-ing should be all about! Do you feel like you end up getting taken advantage of because you have a lot of capacity to give?
Thanks for such a heartfelt article. I lean childfree for the foreseeable future, but am sad that my parents may never have grandchildren. They just had me, and so if I don’t have children, that’s the rest of our particular family line. But I just don’t feel like being a parent is the right lifestyle for me, if that makes sense. I look forward to reading more of your great writing!
Oh, WorldTraveler, boy do I feel this. This was one of my biggest griefs about not having kids -- not getting to see my children with my parents. My siblings all have kids, so I know for a fact that my parents are AWESOME grandparents, and it was super hard for me to let that go. No matter how much my parents take an interest in my life, they are just never going to be invested in the kids in my life the way they are invested in my siblings' kids. But it became clear to me that that just wasn't a good enough reason for me to become a parent.
Im child free not by choice. I’m still trying tho! If I could change anything it would be the messed up healthcare system and the terrible things doctors have said to me.
Preach. When I was going through multiple pregnancy loss, I was repeatedly astonished by how badly I was let down by healthcare providers, almost all of whom were women.
I wrote and never sent some letters about how healthcare providers who support people going through pregnancy loss should have mandatory empathy training
This is such a good question. I have slightly complicated (though mainly positive!) feelings on this. When I was a kid and teenager I was convinced I wanted kids. Then in my late teens I became close with older friends who had a toddler, who became the first of my godkids - it both gave me a sense of the joy of "auntieing" and made me see up close how completely parenting takes over your life for years. Through my adult life I've always prioritised community and friendship over dating and setting up a family, so I'm now single and childfree not exactly by choice, but not *not* by choice - it's something I'd be happy enough to have, but it's not something that I feel the need to pursue. On the whole, the thing I say (and mean!) is that I want to have children in my life in a meaningful way, and I do, and that brings me so much joy. But I'm queer and have chronic health stuff, and that sort of complicates my feelings, because I'm aware that if I did really want kids, I might not be able to have them - and that wouldn't be my choice. I'm also in mid mid-30s, and a lot of my older kids very much had the urgent desire for kids kick when they were a couple of years older than me - so while I'm very happy at the moment, I'm aware things may feel harder in a few years time.
Annie, I wish everyone who became parents would first spend a lot of time with actual children. To make a truly informed choice, it helps to know what you're getting yourself into! I had a similar experience -- spending so much time with parents and kids and families meant that by the time I was trying to figure out what I wanted, I kind of "knew too much." I knew how much I'd be giving up in terms of sleep, personal space, and downtime, and I knew deep down that I wouldn't be able to handle that.
It was only later that I was diagnosed with my own chronic illness that helped explain a lot about why my capacity and energy have always been so low. And then being queer totally complicates things, too, because in many cases you have to work a lot harder and potentially pay a lot of money to even get pregnant in the first place.
Thank you for writing this—lately I’ve been thinking a lot about Ada Limón’s thoughts on the Wild Card podcast regarding her emotional journey to her child free life. It’s always so hard to describe the ways huge events like this can impact our emotional landscapes. I appreciate you for talking about this hidden inner side of it all.
"These days, I am almost always happy with our choice." This line resonated with me. So many of our choices are ones that have to be made for one reason or another and you have to do what you can to make the decision and live with it. At 35, I feel I'm being pushed into making some sort of *official choice* on the topic of parenthood and I don't feel ready to do so. Thank you for sharing your experience!
This idea of making an "official choice" feels so arbitrarily imposed! It feels impossible in many domains of life. In the case of having kids, even after you decide you it can feel like you have to keep making the decision over and over.
I am NOT childfree but my son is not genetically related to me (donor conceived, carried by a gestational surrogate). I had to accept that I could not/should not have genetic children at a very early age. I grieved at the doctor's office when he told me ("you SHOULD NOT HAVE CHILDREN" he said when I was 15 or so). In many cultures, there's A LOT of push to have kids (read: genetic children) and to do it ASAP after you get married (don't even THINK about not getting married at all). The older generations are SO stuck in a certain mindset!!!
Cynthia, thanks for sharing this. I feel like life is hard enough without having various cultural expectations pushed on us not only about WHETHER to have kids but even about HOW to have kids. I'm glad you were able to make the decision that was right for you.
Lisa,I identify as childless-not-by-choice after five miscarriages much like you described your miscarriages – easy to get pregnant, hard to keep them. Having seen their heartbeats, then having those visits were there is no heartbeat… That trauma will always be there inside me. I haven’t gotten to the place where I’m happy to be childless. Although I am an aunt to more than 75 people, it does not fulfill the loss that I feel in my day-to-day life. Being the youngest of 10 children and growing up with my nieces and nephews, I hated being called “aunt”, so it has a negative connotation for me from the get-go. I have a special capacity to give, maybe because I have this extra space available, or maybe because I long for connection that is not satisfied as those are in a nuclear family. I know it is valuable to celebrate our “auntie” role. Sometimes it just feels like you don’t get the good stuff. so my ratio of good to sorrow would be 1:5 at the moment, but I hope life will bring new opportunities to improve on that ratio! Thanks for your post!
Hello, fellow person who gets it. Multiple pregnancy loss is so, so brutal. I utterly agree about seeing the heartbeat and then not seeing it the next time. It's a heartbreak that most people just can't fully understand.
Meanwhile, you are an aunt to more than 75!! That must be hard to have so many kids in your life when you are longing to have kids of your own. It makes me so sad to hear that you're not getting the good stuff. The good stuff is what Auntie-ing should be all about! Do you feel like you end up getting taken advantage of because you have a lot of capacity to give?
Thanks for such a heartfelt article. I lean childfree for the foreseeable future, but am sad that my parents may never have grandchildren. They just had me, and so if I don’t have children, that’s the rest of our particular family line. But I just don’t feel like being a parent is the right lifestyle for me, if that makes sense. I look forward to reading more of your great writing!
Oh, WorldTraveler, boy do I feel this. This was one of my biggest griefs about not having kids -- not getting to see my children with my parents. My siblings all have kids, so I know for a fact that my parents are AWESOME grandparents, and it was super hard for me to let that go. No matter how much my parents take an interest in my life, they are just never going to be invested in the kids in my life the way they are invested in my siblings' kids. But it became clear to me that that just wasn't a good enough reason for me to become a parent.
Im child free not by choice. I’m still trying tho! If I could change anything it would be the messed up healthcare system and the terrible things doctors have said to me.
Preach. When I was going through multiple pregnancy loss, I was repeatedly astonished by how badly I was let down by healthcare providers, almost all of whom were women.
Yeah it’s like they never had gone through it ? Or just had zero empathy?
I wrote and never sent some letters about how healthcare providers who support people going through pregnancy loss should have mandatory empathy training
This is such a good question. I have slightly complicated (though mainly positive!) feelings on this. When I was a kid and teenager I was convinced I wanted kids. Then in my late teens I became close with older friends who had a toddler, who became the first of my godkids - it both gave me a sense of the joy of "auntieing" and made me see up close how completely parenting takes over your life for years. Through my adult life I've always prioritised community and friendship over dating and setting up a family, so I'm now single and childfree not exactly by choice, but not *not* by choice - it's something I'd be happy enough to have, but it's not something that I feel the need to pursue. On the whole, the thing I say (and mean!) is that I want to have children in my life in a meaningful way, and I do, and that brings me so much joy. But I'm queer and have chronic health stuff, and that sort of complicates my feelings, because I'm aware that if I did really want kids, I might not be able to have them - and that wouldn't be my choice. I'm also in mid mid-30s, and a lot of my older kids very much had the urgent desire for kids kick when they were a couple of years older than me - so while I'm very happy at the moment, I'm aware things may feel harder in a few years time.
Annie, I wish everyone who became parents would first spend a lot of time with actual children. To make a truly informed choice, it helps to know what you're getting yourself into! I had a similar experience -- spending so much time with parents and kids and families meant that by the time I was trying to figure out what I wanted, I kind of "knew too much." I knew how much I'd be giving up in terms of sleep, personal space, and downtime, and I knew deep down that I wouldn't be able to handle that.
It was only later that I was diagnosed with my own chronic illness that helped explain a lot about why my capacity and energy have always been so low. And then being queer totally complicates things, too, because in many cases you have to work a lot harder and potentially pay a lot of money to even get pregnant in the first place.
It seems like we have a lot in common!
Thank you for writing this—lately I’ve been thinking a lot about Ada Limón’s thoughts on the Wild Card podcast regarding her emotional journey to her child free life. It’s always so hard to describe the ways huge events like this can impact our emotional landscapes. I appreciate you for talking about this hidden inner side of it all.
"These days, I am almost always happy with our choice." This line resonated with me. So many of our choices are ones that have to be made for one reason or another and you have to do what you can to make the decision and live with it. At 35, I feel I'm being pushed into making some sort of *official choice* on the topic of parenthood and I don't feel ready to do so. Thank you for sharing your experience!
This idea of making an "official choice" feels so arbitrarily imposed! It feels impossible in many domains of life. In the case of having kids, even after you decide you it can feel like you have to keep making the decision over and over.