I love this! I was recently reading through posts on the childfree Reddit sub, and I was struck and disappointed by how many folks out there feel strong resentment and anger toward their parent friends for not being able to reciprocate when it comes to help/support/etc. Now, many of these posters seem to have overall negative feelings toward children in general, which probably bolsters these feelings. However, the sentiment did not sit right with me, a childfree woman by choice who agrees with the point here: being an auntie is having it all! My parent friends cannot reciprocate in a direct way, but they do so much more for me by allowing me to be a part of their children's lives. I am happy to have found your words here to express my feelings!
Shanna, it's so true! There are a ton of childless/childfree people out there who don't understand why their friends who have become parents can't reciprocate like they used to, and in many cases, a lot of resentment about this. I think one of the best antidotes is just spending a lot of time with families and learning about what their lives are like. It starts to make a lot more sense why parents aren't able to show up for the friendships in the same way anymore -- but they can show up for their friendships in NEW ways if we are willing to spend time with their kids, or even interested in doing so!
This is such a sweet and excellent story of care! I imagine that my COVID experience would have been very different, in ways both sometimes difficult and very enriching, if kids had been a part of it.
I’m interested to know, from you, Lisa, or anyone else, what you did in those moments when you were overwhelmed while caregiving for those kiddos? Were there any brief “take a breath” or momentary refreshing or distraction habits that you used?
I spend some time (it used to be a lot more, before the family moved) watching 5 kids for a friend. I love them all dearly, and also sometimes, especially when they were younger and throwing things/biting/attempting to climb the chandelier were part of the daily routine, it could be a lot. Striking a balance between when to let things happen, when to distract, and when to engage could be difficult.
Jenna, I bet your COVID experience WOULD have been very different. If we ever find ourselves in a widespread social distancing/isolating situation again as a society (god forbid, but it seems like it's not unlikely), I will definitely recommend that people without kids who like kids find a family and bubble up! It is so, so worth it, even if it's sometimes hard.
Caring for 5 kids is a huge undertaking! You are a generous and wonderful Auntie. If I were taking care of that many kids, honestly my first go-to would be to invite MORE kids over. Siblings might fight, but get their friends into the mix and a big group of them will start to play together, freeing up the adults to tend to the smaller kids, make sure everyone is fed, and respond to specific kids' needs as they arise.
When you're watching several siblings, and/or littler ones, and/or kids who tend to fight with each other, it can be hard to go hide in the bathroom for a few minutes. In those cases, I'm a fan of redirecting to activities I personally like doing (my go-tos are reading and drawing/crafts), which gives my nervous system a chance to settle. Even if only a few of the kids want to participate, it can kind of split up the energy and help provide some structure.
I love the insights and perspectives you share, the lived experience you center, and the humor and compassion with which you do it! Thank you for creating this. It is needed and cherished!
Auntiehood is a blessing. Love this post and The Auntie Bulletin’s purpose and message, thank you!!
I feel so… seen. I was auntied by biological and non-biological caring adults as a kid.
Been doing so (on-and-off) since my 20s. I’m the in-and-out auntie, reliable in an emergency.
My heart melts every time I think of my nephew’s newborn baby fingers.
I’m overwhelmed with gratitude every time I think of how fortunate I am to have been raised in a family and community where auntie-ing and othermothering is part of the culture. This is no doubt due to my identity as a Black South African American woman born and raised in NYC of the late-1900s.
Now, like then, non-biological aunties (and uncles) are commonplace in refugee, exile, immigrant, African, and African diasporic families in the United States and globally. Some are babysitters. Others take niblings to their first concerts and plays. Some are confidantes. Goofy and silly. Others play major roles in the lives of queer youth exiled by their families of origin. We also serve as unsung caregivers in families where children’s lives are turned upside down by disease. Buy snacks, pay for school fees, hug, console, and so on and so on and so on.
I’ll have to give some deeper thought into the concept of auntiehood as the real having it “all.”
What I know for sure: it’s one of my proudest and most fulfilling roles. Getting to continue a tradition modeled for me by my late parents, late and living elders, or aunties, is awesome. It’s one of the most meaningful ways I get to keep my parents’ spirit, culture, and values instilled in me since childhood alive.
Thank you so much for the work you’re doing Lisa. I look forward to collaborating with you in the near future. Again, yay for TAB and thank you for this post.
Thank you, Ipeleng! This comment made my day when I read it (only responding to it now because I've been on vacation). I love your description of "the in-and-out auntie, reliable in an emergency." It feels so good to be this! It helps others so much to have this!
I just got a call today on a group chat that someone I don't know is looking for a paid emergency childcare person to watch their toddler for a week during the days while their baby is in the NICU. And my first thought was, "where are your Aunties?? You shouldn't have to pay for this!"
As in so many things, Black, Indigenous, and immigrant communities have been showing white communities a better way to do kinship for decades -- indeed, for centuries. I love your description of getting to grow up in communities where Auntiehood and othermothering are the norm.
And finally, you're not the only one who was like, "wait, IS Auntiehood the real having it all?" I got pushed on that right away back when I originally wrote it, and so then I wrote a follow-up post exploring the painful side. Maybe you'll be interested in that one, too.
I love this! I was recently reading through posts on the childfree Reddit sub, and I was struck and disappointed by how many folks out there feel strong resentment and anger toward their parent friends for not being able to reciprocate when it comes to help/support/etc. Now, many of these posters seem to have overall negative feelings toward children in general, which probably bolsters these feelings. However, the sentiment did not sit right with me, a childfree woman by choice who agrees with the point here: being an auntie is having it all! My parent friends cannot reciprocate in a direct way, but they do so much more for me by allowing me to be a part of their children's lives. I am happy to have found your words here to express my feelings!
Shanna, it's so true! There are a ton of childless/childfree people out there who don't understand why their friends who have become parents can't reciprocate like they used to, and in many cases, a lot of resentment about this. I think one of the best antidotes is just spending a lot of time with families and learning about what their lives are like. It starts to make a lot more sense why parents aren't able to show up for the friendships in the same way anymore -- but they can show up for their friendships in NEW ways if we are willing to spend time with their kids, or even interested in doing so!
Thank you so much for reading!
This is such a sweet and excellent story of care! I imagine that my COVID experience would have been very different, in ways both sometimes difficult and very enriching, if kids had been a part of it.
I’m interested to know, from you, Lisa, or anyone else, what you did in those moments when you were overwhelmed while caregiving for those kiddos? Were there any brief “take a breath” or momentary refreshing or distraction habits that you used?
I spend some time (it used to be a lot more, before the family moved) watching 5 kids for a friend. I love them all dearly, and also sometimes, especially when they were younger and throwing things/biting/attempting to climb the chandelier were part of the daily routine, it could be a lot. Striking a balance between when to let things happen, when to distract, and when to engage could be difficult.
Jenna, I bet your COVID experience WOULD have been very different. If we ever find ourselves in a widespread social distancing/isolating situation again as a society (god forbid, but it seems like it's not unlikely), I will definitely recommend that people without kids who like kids find a family and bubble up! It is so, so worth it, even if it's sometimes hard.
Caring for 5 kids is a huge undertaking! You are a generous and wonderful Auntie. If I were taking care of that many kids, honestly my first go-to would be to invite MORE kids over. Siblings might fight, but get their friends into the mix and a big group of them will start to play together, freeing up the adults to tend to the smaller kids, make sure everyone is fed, and respond to specific kids' needs as they arise.
When you're watching several siblings, and/or littler ones, and/or kids who tend to fight with each other, it can be hard to go hide in the bathroom for a few minutes. In those cases, I'm a fan of redirecting to activities I personally like doing (my go-tos are reading and drawing/crafts), which gives my nervous system a chance to settle. Even if only a few of the kids want to participate, it can kind of split up the energy and help provide some structure.
I love the insights and perspectives you share, the lived experience you center, and the humor and compassion with which you do it! Thank you for creating this. It is needed and cherished!
Thank you so much for reading, Rebecca!
Hear, hear!!
Auntiehood is a blessing. Love this post and The Auntie Bulletin’s purpose and message, thank you!!
I feel so… seen. I was auntied by biological and non-biological caring adults as a kid.
Been doing so (on-and-off) since my 20s. I’m the in-and-out auntie, reliable in an emergency.
My heart melts every time I think of my nephew’s newborn baby fingers.
I’m overwhelmed with gratitude every time I think of how fortunate I am to have been raised in a family and community where auntie-ing and othermothering is part of the culture. This is no doubt due to my identity as a Black South African American woman born and raised in NYC of the late-1900s.
Now, like then, non-biological aunties (and uncles) are commonplace in refugee, exile, immigrant, African, and African diasporic families in the United States and globally. Some are babysitters. Others take niblings to their first concerts and plays. Some are confidantes. Goofy and silly. Others play major roles in the lives of queer youth exiled by their families of origin. We also serve as unsung caregivers in families where children’s lives are turned upside down by disease. Buy snacks, pay for school fees, hug, console, and so on and so on and so on.
I’ll have to give some deeper thought into the concept of auntiehood as the real having it “all.”
What I know for sure: it’s one of my proudest and most fulfilling roles. Getting to continue a tradition modeled for me by my late parents, late and living elders, or aunties, is awesome. It’s one of the most meaningful ways I get to keep my parents’ spirit, culture, and values instilled in me since childhood alive.
Thank you so much for the work you’re doing Lisa. I look forward to collaborating with you in the near future. Again, yay for TAB and thank you for this post.
Thank you, Ipeleng! This comment made my day when I read it (only responding to it now because I've been on vacation). I love your description of "the in-and-out auntie, reliable in an emergency." It feels so good to be this! It helps others so much to have this!
I just got a call today on a group chat that someone I don't know is looking for a paid emergency childcare person to watch their toddler for a week during the days while their baby is in the NICU. And my first thought was, "where are your Aunties?? You shouldn't have to pay for this!"
As in so many things, Black, Indigenous, and immigrant communities have been showing white communities a better way to do kinship for decades -- indeed, for centuries. I love your description of getting to grow up in communities where Auntiehood and othermothering are the norm.
And finally, you're not the only one who was like, "wait, IS Auntiehood the real having it all?" I got pushed on that right away back when I originally wrote it, and so then I wrote a follow-up post exploring the painful side. Maybe you'll be interested in that one, too.
https://theauntie.substack.com/p/but-wait-is-auntiehood-the-real-having?r=nbcpy
Thank you so much for reading!
I’m holding my heart, Lisa. Thank you for this. I’m psyched to read the follow-up. lol peace & blessings xoi