One alternative idea for Aunties who like gift giving is (if the child is local to you), to take the kid and help them make/draw/create something for their parents (especially for those single parents in your life). It's a triple whammy, to remind the kid that gift-giving can go both ways, the kid feels immense satisfaction for giving something to the person they love so much, and the parent/s feel so happy too. Much better than any Lego or stuffed toy.
I prefer consumable gifts as i don't have the space for non-consumable ones. If you don't know what to gift - chocolate will be always welcome. Best case i will eat it, worst case i will give it to someone else later. And there won't be questions about the item as it was consumed.
I used to be an over-apologizer (like many women), but then an older, wiser woman advised me that anytime I want to say “I’m sorry,” I should check if I really mean “thank you.” In this case, instead of, “I’m sorry for not giving you presents,” try, “thanks for understanding.” - This! Tell us more please. Thank you
I'm not sure how much more I have to say about this other than that it's a GAME CHANGER. It's worth putting sticky notes everywhere to remind yourself until it starts to come naturally. I hope you'll use this idea liberally, Ranjini! We have to not apologize when we didn't do anything wrong!
It's magic! Instead of "Sorry I'm late," it becomes "Thank you for waiting for me." Instead of "Sorry about the million food intolerances," it becomes "Thank you for working so hard to feed us safely."
I care deeply about others, and I am doing my best. Often my best still requires graciousness from others. Sometimes I have goofed, but often I just needed their help, and they gave it gladly. Now, I get to acknowledge their graciousness.
I appreciated this though it didn't change my thinking much (it may have sharpened it some), but I largely feel like it means I, and my family are on the right track:
Yes my family (meaning Mom, Dad, my brother, and occasionally Aunties or Grandma "Grandy" give gifts) but by and large we are thoughtful about what this looks like. My brother and I exchange books and sometimes board games. I love giving books because of the thought and care that goes into the choice. My mom usually takes me out to eat or gets me clothes that I need and sometimes sends care packages of consumables if college is challenging me). My grandmother gives me money and a card which is her form of support. My other grandmother used to make us all ornate handmade cards. Dad and Grandy also both chip into my train fares given how far away I live. My dad also mostly gives books and is the only one who regularly gives me stuff, but he asks me what I need/if I need anything, and gives me that. One of the best gifts I've gotten was a rice cooker which, while a thing, gets used about three times a week, and is my Disabled dad's way of feeding his far-away Disabled daughter.
All this to say, (as you express) gifts have their place and can certainly be done well. Maybe a good heuristic is, if I am giving a gift, is it out of love or a sense of societal obligation? If obligation, it might not be necessary. If out of love, is the love a key feature of the gift? Does the gift respect the planet and other people? If no to either, pick a different gift.
Well.. not to be too political.. but I think if you dig a little deeper you will find that you have a lot in common with those who voted in the new president. They are very big into community, localism, small farm, small govt, small everything. They want less consumerism, and less regulations so they can make those things happen. The goal of the blob is to divide us by making us think we are enemies. We are not. We have far more in common than not. Red and blue have often had the same goal.. just different ideas on how to get there. Calm discussions are the best way to find the other perspective... and humility to admit we may not be right.
Sorry.. don't want to mess up your post but I couldn't help but respond to the politics part of it because I see it breaking so many families/ friends apart this holiday season 🥺 .... along with the idea of not consuming things, it would probably do us all good to consume less news...🙉 do we really need a go between telling us what the other side thinks? 🙃
Re gift giving.. I look for experiences to give... like a zoo membership. Kids like opening gifts so I wrap it up, attach it to a corresponding item.. like a $2 beanie baby animal I got at estate sale and then go to zoo when I'm with them. Or a hand made card or book on camping with a gift coupon for camping trip with me. Right now I'm teaching them about money so a gift of cash and a shopping trip was a big hit even for the 4 and 6 yr old.
Totally agree with your money idea for older kids. Even if it's spent on video game it gives you some thing to talk to them about later. My married kids get things they need (dishes) and food items... which they are happy about because they don't want any more stuff to take care of.
I also make Christmas more of a fun time for the littler ones... hide some gifts they have to find, make them do funny things before they can open a gift, wrap a gift in layer after layer of boxes so they have to keep unwrapping... and I've taken to mostly clothes and games we can play together. I can't control how many gifts they get because they have many other gift givers in their life but I don't have to add to the pile of junk toys that break the same day.
I appreciate your foray into teaching "no more land fill consumerism"! I certainly don't know for sure, but perhaps some just need to hear that it's okay to not go along with expectations and that will be what emboldens them to go against the tide.
Thanks for this, Sadie. I definitely welcome political comments if they are warm, loving, and thoughtful like yours!
I really appreciate your taking the time to write this, and your gentle nudge to rethink what I believe I know about Trump voters. I live in such a blue bubble, almost everyone I know is left, further left, or even further left. So the idea that they might be big into community and anti-consumerism is something that I suppose I could've connected the dots on, but haven't -- not fully. And a major goal of The Auntie Bulletin is to explore how so many of us, regardless of our party affiliations, long for community and connections and really, really love and want the best for kids.
I love the idea of hiding gifts for little kids to find! I feel like you could even do this with stuff they -- or you -- already own and it would be just about equally as fun.
I’m glad I came across your substack! I like it because you are about family and how to create cohesiveness and a sense of belonging. You’re of a younger generation so closer to what’s going on with the youth than I am - so I’m happy to hear your ideas!
I watch politics like a movie - with a lot of bad actors reading from a script :( lol … Unfortunately, I think the script writers are not truthful and have ulterior motives. They like to divide us and stir the pot. So I don’t waste time on news media. But I think we can resist the division and be united if we can meet each other with humility, to learn from and not rant at. We can start a revolution of caring communities based on commonalities. I know we can do it. We are Ameri-cans not Ameri-can’ts ;) —- right now I’m going to look back through your posts and see if there were any game suggestions — I was just informed my 4 & 6 yr old grandkids will be here tomorrow night! And I do not have toys.
One of my favorite game ideas that I've seen lately was yours, Sadie -- hide stuff around the house and then search for it! Doesn't require any new equipment. :)
Love this! Giving gifts is my love language - I start Christmas shopping in September with much excitement! However, I too have stopped giving gifts to my nieces who live in the same city as me. This will be the first year and I am a little nervous! But I see them weekly so we spend lots of time together and they are both a little bit spoiled and have everything they could need and more. So this year I am doing experiences. For Christmas, they're both getting one book and a coupon for a half day adventure of their choice with me within the next week. I figure it's the same amount I'd spent on a gift to take them ice skating or to a museum but hopefully they'll remember it more. Fingers crossed they like it! And I agree on long distance kid gifts, I already have my box ready to go for my nibblings who live on the other side of the country!
I'm all about the experiences, too. We've done the aquarium, the zoo (I have mixed feelings), a monster truck show (the 4yo and I both had mixed feelings!), in summer the waterslide park. So fun!
I love this! I expected it not to apply to me because I love picking out Christmas presents for folks, but I was surprised to find how much I'm already on the non-giftgiving train when it comes to birthdays and weddings and such. I'm a big fan of the "saw this and thought of you" gift at any time of year, and then for some reason Christmas gifts feel fun and not burdensome to me.
This might be going against the entire point of this essay, but for those who like giving gifts, I wanted to share a few bangers I've discovered recently:
- a rainbow of painter's tape (colorful, fun for crafts, great for "drawing" on walls in a non-harmful way)
- mini traffic cones (one of the cheapest and most popular gifts I've ever given my nephew)
- fake play money (usually billed as origami paper — extremely fun to hand a stack of $100 bills to a kid)
- Yoto speaker (I paired this with some custom Yoto cards containing recordings of family members telling stories. SUCH a hit)
I know a kid with a rainbow of painter's tape and it is so fun! And very alluring to me personally. I want a rainbow of painter's tape for myself. A lot of times when there are things that I think would be fun for kids, I buy them and keep them at my house! So it's not a "gift," per se, but it is for the kids in my life and it means I have a decent stash of activities I personally find fun at my own house for when kids stop by.
I can also really see the draw of mini traffic cones!
I love all this advice! As an avid (and very amateur) baker, I get a lot of joy from making fudge for friends, neighbors, and co-workers, packing them all up in little tins, and then going to knock on doors and hand them out. But I've felt pressure to do more for some of my closest loved ones even though shopping makes me feel overwhlemed and angry. Maybe this year everyone gets fudge!
This is great! This year I decided to redo how I approach Christmas. Last year, I realized it went from being one of my favorite holidays to one of my least favorites due to the stress of gift giving and family drama. I'm determined to find ways to enjoy this holiday again and having fewer gift exchanges will certainly help.
I just wrote about this and discovered this post today! Doing the research behind consumerism trends around the holidays made me nauseous. The amount spent on gifts in 2023 was ~$986 billion, which is $106 billion MORE than the U.S. Defense Department budget (which we can all agree is already a too-high number!)
Love your reasoning and strongly feel that this is the course I’ll be taking throughout the rest of my life.
With my libertarian biases, I tend to think much better of capitalism and consumer culture than you do. However, I have my own reasons to appreciate your rebellion against the Christmas gift exchange ritual.
The other side of the "tyranny of giftspectations" that I experienced in childhood was getting a big pile of new stuff on one day of the year. In terms of the psychology of acquisition and enjoyment, this was like being half-starved for a whole year and then force-fed a huge, heavy, multicourse meal. And then my parents would make me do the "emotional labor" of expressing pure gratitude for all that new stuff all at once. No disappointment was allowed.
I wish you the best of luck in turning people away from that custom (and in building voluntary community, too).
Nieces and nephews get books, because I love being “The Book Auntie”. My grandkids, who we see only twice a year, get to choose what they want, they’re still pretty young, but I always throw in a book. Books are good for a while and then when they’re not, they can have a whole second and third life, passed on to strangers or friends, the perfect gift imo.
I feel like, if you're going to buy anything for kids, buying them books is the thing! For the ages of the kids in my life who tend to come over, I keep my house stocked with books that are developmentally suited to them and that I also want to read!
I really resonate with this post. Thank you for writing it. My 2 sticking points are: 1) Needing to also become okay with potentially not receiving any gifts. (Which is not necessarily a biggee, as I have a complicated relationship with gift-receiving – but it is very conditioned into us to expect gifts at Christmas!) and 2) Timing the conversation right! I would love to propose to my family that we do secret Santa or better yet, a gift-free Christmas, but they are pretty militant about “how Christmas should go”. (I can’t even convince them to skip turkey one year. 😅) By this time (late November), I know my parents have already bought all my gifts, so this conversation would not go well if I raised it now. But maybe if we talked about it pre-Summer, we could all collectively agree a plan. Maybe! 🤞🏼
I don’t yet know what I am going to do about gift buying this year & feel fatigued by it. I really don’t like buying gifts unless, as one of your other commenters said, there is “love” in it. Last year I gave everyone (bar the kids) lovely food stuffs and cook books from Palestine and they really appreciated that. (More so than when I make charity donations in their honour, I think, which is my normal move.) I may well do that again this year. For the kids in my life, nearly everything I gift them is second-hand and often sourced for free via neighbourhood apps, as there is already sooo much good stuff in circulation. And let’s be honest: how much are they really going to play with / read each item anyway? I package all these kids gifts up as a “lucky dip” and they get a bag each. My nieces love digging around finding each present – and it normally hasn’t cost me a dime!
Georgie, I love these insights. And I definitely think phasing out gift-giving is a long game. Starting the discussion in the summer seems right to me -- or even floating the idea this year of reducing your gift giving for next year!
I love the idea of doing only secondhand gifts for kids!
UPDATE: After much trepidation & some disturbed sleep stressing about it, I spoke to my family this weekend about not giving gifts this Christmas & they are all TOTALLY COOL with it! 😮💨🎉🎉🥰 I’ve got the kids some second-hand bits & pieces, largely acquired for free, but the adults all agree that we don’t need anything. I have made a donation to charity instead – but this too feels good for being a gesture “off my own back” rather than as a covert gift for my loved ones. And now that “the great gift dilemma” is off my plate, the creative juices are flowing as to how else I want to show up for and with my family this Christmas – like hosting a little festive drinks party for them at my new home. HAPPY Holidays! ❤️🙏🏼🎄 x
Aww, so happy to make your day. 💓😍 And yes you’re welcome to share.
I’m also now plotting to make a “pass the parcel” game for Boxing Day, with a mix of treats & “forfeits” in between each layer – some to be done by the group. This is an idea I got from a friend at a Xmas party yesterday & should be a great way to engage the kids & adults alike! 😍
Thank you! Great post :) love the juxtaposition between two different worldviews on giftgiving, very clever :) As you know I couldn't agree more and the commercialisation of childhood is pretty disgusting in WEIRD societies .....you touched on so much in this post but the core biggies (behavioural change vs structural change, thinking of community, thinking of the future, capitalism, reciprocity, care) made me think back to my favourite quote
remembering my fav quote 'personal relationships are the ground on which revolution takes place' ....Octavia Butler, bell hooks (the Home is a must read) and Audre Lorde are all Great sources of information or further reading on this if interested! Black feminist queer literature has all the answers all along :)
On the gift part specifically! This year my goddaughter turned 16 and I decided that the gifts were enough . Last year I bought her an insanely expensive coat and it me me think back to the 15 years of gift giving and how it hasn't made us any closer at all ..so this year I said time for change if ok and I was giving her the gift of time!!! I didn't get a text back lol :( but I think there's an impoetant mention that's not said about kids who expect gifts and then judge adults accordingly...which links to my final point (if helpful!) is children /young people don't usually ask 'why didn't I get a gift?' unkess they reslly know you or maybe kids in UK are too polite lol but i find the awkawardness actuallyIn the NOT asking and lack of conversation on it esp if they been raised Ina. Culture of giftspectation..so it's usually me that goes up to the child or children rather then them and announces why no gift otherwise they wouldn't ask and assume I forgot or don't like them or I'm so 'tight'...it's hard to go against dominant culture!
I think this is such an important insight, Carolina -- that the amount we spend on the gift often has very little to do with how much the receiver appreciates it.
Also, my goddaughter is also 16! And she's naturally pretty preoccupied with her friends and activities. I don't think it *means* anything when a teenager doesn't text us back, other than that they're off living their mysterious teenaged life. As they make it out the other side of their teens, they'll get better remembering to reply to messages! That's been my experiences with my nieces and nephews who are now in their twenties, anyway, as well as countless high school and college students I've taught over the years....
Love this, thanks! I also appreciate the call out and reasoning for long distance kid gifts. Sometimes these feel like the most obligatory things in my list but you’re so right. Thanks!
One alternative idea for Aunties who like gift giving is (if the child is local to you), to take the kid and help them make/draw/create something for their parents (especially for those single parents in your life). It's a triple whammy, to remind the kid that gift-giving can go both ways, the kid feels immense satisfaction for giving something to the person they love so much, and the parent/s feel so happy too. Much better than any Lego or stuffed toy.
I love this!
I prefer consumable gifts as i don't have the space for non-consumable ones. If you don't know what to gift - chocolate will be always welcome. Best case i will eat it, worst case i will give it to someone else later. And there won't be questions about the item as it was consumed.
I think delicious food makes a great gift; it's definitely the kind of thing I want to give and receive!
I love this, Janna! These guidelines are beautiful.
I used to be an over-apologizer (like many women), but then an older, wiser woman advised me that anytime I want to say “I’m sorry,” I should check if I really mean “thank you.” In this case, instead of, “I’m sorry for not giving you presents,” try, “thanks for understanding.” - This! Tell us more please. Thank you
I'm not sure how much more I have to say about this other than that it's a GAME CHANGER. It's worth putting sticky notes everywhere to remind yourself until it starts to come naturally. I hope you'll use this idea liberally, Ranjini! We have to not apologize when we didn't do anything wrong!
It's magic! Instead of "Sorry I'm late," it becomes "Thank you for waiting for me." Instead of "Sorry about the million food intolerances," it becomes "Thank you for working so hard to feed us safely."
I care deeply about others, and I am doing my best. Often my best still requires graciousness from others. Sometimes I have goofed, but often I just needed their help, and they gave it gladly. Now, I get to acknowledge their graciousness.
Reminded me of one of my favorite comics:
http://www.yao.nyc/shortcomics/2020/3/30/if-you-want-to-say-thank-you-dont-say-sorry
This comic is wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing it LK!!
Weird! Substack cut off the link. The artist is Yao Xiao, and the title is “If You Want To Say Thank You, Don't Say Sorry” 💕
Came here to also post this, it's so wonderful and such great advice.
I have heard and love this advice too! IMO it lets them receive gratitude rather than having to say “oh it’s ok” and make YOU feel better.
I appreciated this though it didn't change my thinking much (it may have sharpened it some), but I largely feel like it means I, and my family are on the right track:
Yes my family (meaning Mom, Dad, my brother, and occasionally Aunties or Grandma "Grandy" give gifts) but by and large we are thoughtful about what this looks like. My brother and I exchange books and sometimes board games. I love giving books because of the thought and care that goes into the choice. My mom usually takes me out to eat or gets me clothes that I need and sometimes sends care packages of consumables if college is challenging me). My grandmother gives me money and a card which is her form of support. My other grandmother used to make us all ornate handmade cards. Dad and Grandy also both chip into my train fares given how far away I live. My dad also mostly gives books and is the only one who regularly gives me stuff, but he asks me what I need/if I need anything, and gives me that. One of the best gifts I've gotten was a rice cooker which, while a thing, gets used about three times a week, and is my Disabled dad's way of feeding his far-away Disabled daughter.
All this to say, (as you express) gifts have their place and can certainly be done well. Maybe a good heuristic is, if I am giving a gift, is it out of love or a sense of societal obligation? If obligation, it might not be necessary. If out of love, is the love a key feature of the gift? Does the gift respect the planet and other people? If no to either, pick a different gift.
I agree wholeheartedly Janna!
Well.. not to be too political.. but I think if you dig a little deeper you will find that you have a lot in common with those who voted in the new president. They are very big into community, localism, small farm, small govt, small everything. They want less consumerism, and less regulations so they can make those things happen. The goal of the blob is to divide us by making us think we are enemies. We are not. We have far more in common than not. Red and blue have often had the same goal.. just different ideas on how to get there. Calm discussions are the best way to find the other perspective... and humility to admit we may not be right.
Sorry.. don't want to mess up your post but I couldn't help but respond to the politics part of it because I see it breaking so many families/ friends apart this holiday season 🥺 .... along with the idea of not consuming things, it would probably do us all good to consume less news...🙉 do we really need a go between telling us what the other side thinks? 🙃
Re gift giving.. I look for experiences to give... like a zoo membership. Kids like opening gifts so I wrap it up, attach it to a corresponding item.. like a $2 beanie baby animal I got at estate sale and then go to zoo when I'm with them. Or a hand made card or book on camping with a gift coupon for camping trip with me. Right now I'm teaching them about money so a gift of cash and a shopping trip was a big hit even for the 4 and 6 yr old.
Totally agree with your money idea for older kids. Even if it's spent on video game it gives you some thing to talk to them about later. My married kids get things they need (dishes) and food items... which they are happy about because they don't want any more stuff to take care of.
I also make Christmas more of a fun time for the littler ones... hide some gifts they have to find, make them do funny things before they can open a gift, wrap a gift in layer after layer of boxes so they have to keep unwrapping... and I've taken to mostly clothes and games we can play together. I can't control how many gifts they get because they have many other gift givers in their life but I don't have to add to the pile of junk toys that break the same day.
I appreciate your foray into teaching "no more land fill consumerism"! I certainly don't know for sure, but perhaps some just need to hear that it's okay to not go along with expectations and that will be what emboldens them to go against the tide.
Thanks for this, Sadie. I definitely welcome political comments if they are warm, loving, and thoughtful like yours!
I really appreciate your taking the time to write this, and your gentle nudge to rethink what I believe I know about Trump voters. I live in such a blue bubble, almost everyone I know is left, further left, or even further left. So the idea that they might be big into community and anti-consumerism is something that I suppose I could've connected the dots on, but haven't -- not fully. And a major goal of The Auntie Bulletin is to explore how so many of us, regardless of our party affiliations, long for community and connections and really, really love and want the best for kids.
I love the idea of hiding gifts for little kids to find! I feel like you could even do this with stuff they -- or you -- already own and it would be just about equally as fun.
I’m glad I came across your substack! I like it because you are about family and how to create cohesiveness and a sense of belonging. You’re of a younger generation so closer to what’s going on with the youth than I am - so I’m happy to hear your ideas!
I watch politics like a movie - with a lot of bad actors reading from a script :( lol … Unfortunately, I think the script writers are not truthful and have ulterior motives. They like to divide us and stir the pot. So I don’t waste time on news media. But I think we can resist the division and be united if we can meet each other with humility, to learn from and not rant at. We can start a revolution of caring communities based on commonalities. I know we can do it. We are Ameri-cans not Ameri-can’ts ;) —- right now I’m going to look back through your posts and see if there were any game suggestions — I was just informed my 4 & 6 yr old grandkids will be here tomorrow night! And I do not have toys.
One of my favorite game ideas that I've seen lately was yours, Sadie -- hide stuff around the house and then search for it! Doesn't require any new equipment. :)
Love this! Giving gifts is my love language - I start Christmas shopping in September with much excitement! However, I too have stopped giving gifts to my nieces who live in the same city as me. This will be the first year and I am a little nervous! But I see them weekly so we spend lots of time together and they are both a little bit spoiled and have everything they could need and more. So this year I am doing experiences. For Christmas, they're both getting one book and a coupon for a half day adventure of their choice with me within the next week. I figure it's the same amount I'd spent on a gift to take them ice skating or to a museum but hopefully they'll remember it more. Fingers crossed they like it! And I agree on long distance kid gifts, I already have my box ready to go for my nibblings who live on the other side of the country!
I'm all about the experiences, too. We've done the aquarium, the zoo (I have mixed feelings), a monster truck show (the 4yo and I both had mixed feelings!), in summer the waterslide park. So fun!
I love this! I expected it not to apply to me because I love picking out Christmas presents for folks, but I was surprised to find how much I'm already on the non-giftgiving train when it comes to birthdays and weddings and such. I'm a big fan of the "saw this and thought of you" gift at any time of year, and then for some reason Christmas gifts feel fun and not burdensome to me.
This might be going against the entire point of this essay, but for those who like giving gifts, I wanted to share a few bangers I've discovered recently:
- a rainbow of painter's tape (colorful, fun for crafts, great for "drawing" on walls in a non-harmful way)
- mini traffic cones (one of the cheapest and most popular gifts I've ever given my nephew)
- fake play money (usually billed as origami paper — extremely fun to hand a stack of $100 bills to a kid)
- Yoto speaker (I paired this with some custom Yoto cards containing recordings of family members telling stories. SUCH a hit)
I know a kid with a rainbow of painter's tape and it is so fun! And very alluring to me personally. I want a rainbow of painter's tape for myself. A lot of times when there are things that I think would be fun for kids, I buy them and keep them at my house! So it's not a "gift," per se, but it is for the kids in my life and it means I have a decent stash of activities I personally find fun at my own house for when kids stop by.
I can also really see the draw of mini traffic cones!
A rainbow of painter's tape is BRILLIANT.
My hope for this year's kid gift is to get a bunch of appliance boxes, paper tape, and a kid safe way to cut them. Fort: DIY edition.
Kid safe way to cut: https://www.make.do/
We discovered these at our library's Jr. STEAM club one year.
I love all this advice! As an avid (and very amateur) baker, I get a lot of joy from making fudge for friends, neighbors, and co-workers, packing them all up in little tins, and then going to knock on doors and hand them out. But I've felt pressure to do more for some of my closest loved ones even though shopping makes me feel overwhlemed and angry. Maybe this year everyone gets fudge!
This year everyone gets fudge!!! Fudge for all!
This is great! This year I decided to redo how I approach Christmas. Last year, I realized it went from being one of my favorite holidays to one of my least favorites due to the stress of gift giving and family drama. I'm determined to find ways to enjoy this holiday again and having fewer gift exchanges will certainly help.
Hooray! I really hope you can reclaim Christmas from the jaws of shopping, Mia.
I just wrote about this and discovered this post today! Doing the research behind consumerism trends around the holidays made me nauseous. The amount spent on gifts in 2023 was ~$986 billion, which is $106 billion MORE than the U.S. Defense Department budget (which we can all agree is already a too-high number!)
Love your reasoning and strongly feel that this is the course I’ll be taking throughout the rest of my life.
With my libertarian biases, I tend to think much better of capitalism and consumer culture than you do. However, I have my own reasons to appreciate your rebellion against the Christmas gift exchange ritual.
The other side of the "tyranny of giftspectations" that I experienced in childhood was getting a big pile of new stuff on one day of the year. In terms of the psychology of acquisition and enjoyment, this was like being half-starved for a whole year and then force-fed a huge, heavy, multicourse meal. And then my parents would make me do the "emotional labor" of expressing pure gratitude for all that new stuff all at once. No disappointment was allowed.
I wish you the best of luck in turning people away from that custom (and in building voluntary community, too).
Nieces and nephews get books, because I love being “The Book Auntie”. My grandkids, who we see only twice a year, get to choose what they want, they’re still pretty young, but I always throw in a book. Books are good for a while and then when they’re not, they can have a whole second and third life, passed on to strangers or friends, the perfect gift imo.
I feel like, if you're going to buy anything for kids, buying them books is the thing! For the ages of the kids in my life who tend to come over, I keep my house stocked with books that are developmentally suited to them and that I also want to read!
I really resonate with this post. Thank you for writing it. My 2 sticking points are: 1) Needing to also become okay with potentially not receiving any gifts. (Which is not necessarily a biggee, as I have a complicated relationship with gift-receiving – but it is very conditioned into us to expect gifts at Christmas!) and 2) Timing the conversation right! I would love to propose to my family that we do secret Santa or better yet, a gift-free Christmas, but they are pretty militant about “how Christmas should go”. (I can’t even convince them to skip turkey one year. 😅) By this time (late November), I know my parents have already bought all my gifts, so this conversation would not go well if I raised it now. But maybe if we talked about it pre-Summer, we could all collectively agree a plan. Maybe! 🤞🏼
I don’t yet know what I am going to do about gift buying this year & feel fatigued by it. I really don’t like buying gifts unless, as one of your other commenters said, there is “love” in it. Last year I gave everyone (bar the kids) lovely food stuffs and cook books from Palestine and they really appreciated that. (More so than when I make charity donations in their honour, I think, which is my normal move.) I may well do that again this year. For the kids in my life, nearly everything I gift them is second-hand and often sourced for free via neighbourhood apps, as there is already sooo much good stuff in circulation. And let’s be honest: how much are they really going to play with / read each item anyway? I package all these kids gifts up as a “lucky dip” and they get a bag each. My nieces love digging around finding each present – and it normally hasn’t cost me a dime!
Georgie, I love these insights. And I definitely think phasing out gift-giving is a long game. Starting the discussion in the summer seems right to me -- or even floating the idea this year of reducing your gift giving for next year!
I love the idea of doing only secondhand gifts for kids!
UPDATE: After much trepidation & some disturbed sleep stressing about it, I spoke to my family this weekend about not giving gifts this Christmas & they are all TOTALLY COOL with it! 😮💨🎉🎉🥰 I’ve got the kids some second-hand bits & pieces, largely acquired for free, but the adults all agree that we don’t need anything. I have made a donation to charity instead – but this too feels good for being a gesture “off my own back” rather than as a covert gift for my loved ones. And now that “the great gift dilemma” is off my plate, the creative juices are flowing as to how else I want to show up for and with my family this Christmas – like hosting a little festive drinks party for them at my new home. HAPPY Holidays! ❤️🙏🏼🎄 x
YES!!! Georgie, this is beautiful! I LOVE that now instead of stressing about gifts, you can just throw a party. LOVE LOVE LOVE.
My day is made. Can I share it on Notes? (I can take your name off if you prefer).
Aww, so happy to make your day. 💓😍 And yes you’re welcome to share.
I’m also now plotting to make a “pass the parcel” game for Boxing Day, with a mix of treats & “forfeits” in between each layer – some to be done by the group. This is an idea I got from a friend at a Xmas party yesterday & should be a great way to engage the kids & adults alike! 😍
What a great idea!
Thank you! Great post :) love the juxtaposition between two different worldviews on giftgiving, very clever :) As you know I couldn't agree more and the commercialisation of childhood is pretty disgusting in WEIRD societies .....you touched on so much in this post but the core biggies (behavioural change vs structural change, thinking of community, thinking of the future, capitalism, reciprocity, care) made me think back to my favourite quote
remembering my fav quote 'personal relationships are the ground on which revolution takes place' ....Octavia Butler, bell hooks (the Home is a must read) and Audre Lorde are all Great sources of information or further reading on this if interested! Black feminist queer literature has all the answers all along :)
On the gift part specifically! This year my goddaughter turned 16 and I decided that the gifts were enough . Last year I bought her an insanely expensive coat and it me me think back to the 15 years of gift giving and how it hasn't made us any closer at all ..so this year I said time for change if ok and I was giving her the gift of time!!! I didn't get a text back lol :( but I think there's an impoetant mention that's not said about kids who expect gifts and then judge adults accordingly...which links to my final point (if helpful!) is children /young people don't usually ask 'why didn't I get a gift?' unkess they reslly know you or maybe kids in UK are too polite lol but i find the awkawardness actuallyIn the NOT asking and lack of conversation on it esp if they been raised Ina. Culture of giftspectation..so it's usually me that goes up to the child or children rather then them and announces why no gift otherwise they wouldn't ask and assume I forgot or don't like them or I'm so 'tight'...it's hard to go against dominant culture!
I think this is such an important insight, Carolina -- that the amount we spend on the gift often has very little to do with how much the receiver appreciates it.
Also, my goddaughter is also 16! And she's naturally pretty preoccupied with her friends and activities. I don't think it *means* anything when a teenager doesn't text us back, other than that they're off living their mysterious teenaged life. As they make it out the other side of their teens, they'll get better remembering to reply to messages! That's been my experiences with my nieces and nephews who are now in their twenties, anyway, as well as countless high school and college students I've taught over the years....
love this wisdom! <3 thank you
Love this, thanks! I also appreciate the call out and reasoning for long distance kid gifts. Sometimes these feel like the most obligatory things in my list but you’re so right. Thanks!