As someone with 5 younger siblings-in-law who I’ve known since the youngest was 4 (and is now 18), I loved this post so much. And now as a parent of a 3 year old it’s come around again!
What I found to be tricky was maintaining those relationships through the teenage years. There were many many months and years when my in-laws were teens that we would come back to visit for a whole day or even a weekend and would literally never see certain kids because they were in their rooms or off with friends, so even though we were around, it was like we weren’t. I really tried to ask questions about their friends and their most beloved extracurriculars (NOT asking in context of college, or making a certain team, or wins/losses. Asking about positions or what they’re working on, their teammates and teachers, explaining the rules and who they play, etc is better).
I also volunteered to drive them to friends houses when I was around and they needed a ride and their parents could use a break from the endless taxi-ing. Then you ask all about the friend on the way over - who is this friend again? How long have you been friends? I had 5 of them to keep track of so I literally had notes on my phone - who is each of their best friend, what activity do they each do, are they on JV or varsity, are they in a leadership position, etc. the way in is definitely through interest in friends, willingness to drive them to Ulta or a late night McDonalds coke, and absolutely no questions about college EVER, except to ask how they’re holding up in the thick of application season and asking if their parents are driving them insane. And if a teen starts talking to you, do not go to bed until they stop, even if you’re up until 3am. You will be DYING but it will solidify their trust like no other to have a late night or two being able to just talk to you without getting the sigh and “it’s late” announcement they’re used to. The middle of the night is when their brain is up for confiding - try to force yourself to be there. There were a few times when my daughter was a baby and I was desperate for sleep, and one of my teenage in-laws would suddenly start talking to me at 11:30pm when we were at my in-laws house for the weekend and I would literally drink coffee and stand up for 90 minutes to keep myself awake.
Now seeing them with my daughter is a whole new era. They’re trying to connect with her the way I remember trying to connect with them 15 years ago. And it’s a whole new era shifting my relationship with them as they become adults! It’s been such a gift to have all of these kids (now adults) in my life, and now a gift to my daughter too.
This is a such a beautiful story of the ebbs and flows of Auntiehood! My hat is off to you for staying up for the late night teen talk sessions. I am such a bedtime wimp!
Yay! I so want to be here for the grandparents. I’ve got an homage to grandmothers coming up in a future post soon. I hope you’ll share it with your friends!
LOL. I bet it does work every time! It makes me think that my next question would be "Who's the nicest kid in your class?" and then you're finding out who their friends are!
Oooh! I'm so glad I stumbled upon this. Lots of my dear friends have young children and I've been wondering how to connect with them better, especially as an introvert who hates random small talk myself.
I was thinking "BOLD MOVE invoking Pokemon!!!" until I saw the footnote. Truly, if a kid has an opening, many hours can be spent explaining Pokemon, and at the end of them I will still have no idea what's going on there. Excruciatingly boring for me, truly. Enter at your own risk.
Excruciating is right! I feel like this is one of those trade-off moves where you are going to get sucked into a really interminable ridiculous conversation, but on the other hand if you can make it through, that kid will love you forever.
My grandsons know that I was around when their own daddies collected Pokémon cards and just assume I know the characters’ names. I’ve been making pillow cases with Pokémon fabric, really scored some points that way!
My husband and I have succumbed (yes, I’m dramatic) to a “childfree” life as a result of years of infertility, but we have two beautiful nieces whose relationships I value more than ever. I often find myself asking these open-ended questions and struggling to find an opening into their inner thoughts. Thank for the advice!
I feel you, Elyse. If you haven't seen it already, maybe you'd be interested in my post about my own experience with infertility (in the form of multiple pregnancy loss). I have come to a similar conclusion as you, that the relationships I do have with kids are so, so precious.
Frankly, I agree! My least favorite questions to be asked have to do with what I'm up to. When someone asks me what I've done lately ("what'd you do this weekend?") or what I'm planning to do ("what are you doing this weekend?") I literally do not know and can't be bothered to report. Best case scenario, in my view, is to be able to report that I have done or will do very little.
Your piece popped up at just the right time for me. We are leaving this Saturday on a trip to visit our kids and grandkids, (I’m stepmom and step grandma btw). For the first five years of the oldest boy’s life and for the first 3.5 of his sister’s we helped with daycare, splitting that time with the other set of grandparents. That time was by far among the most meaningful of my life, watching them grow from babies to awesomely individual little people. What you wrote about the significance of what the amount of time a year signifies in a 5 year old’s life compared to us adults has been acutely on my mind as well. You see, we missed our spring time visit, so it’s been a year since we’ve seen them. We FT of course, but even there I can sense how much they have grown and how much less of a reality we are in their lives. Feb. 2025 will mark 3 years since we used to see them on an almost daily basis. As you probably can tell, this all pretty emotional for me at the moment. But I wanted to thank you for you for your pointers about talking with kids in a way that makes sense to them. I was really good at the kind of physical humor that can make a 3 year old lose it, but an almost 8 year old? I feel like I need all the tips I can get, so thanks.
Judith, it sounds so wrenching to have that level of connection and daily involvement with kids you love, and then have that experience change so dramatically. Can I ask, was it your choice or theirs to move? If it was yours, how did you make that choice?
I feel like if you're good with 3 year olds you will be good with 8 year olds too. I hope you have a wonderful trip!
As a grandma of four, a “bonus grandma” to seven and a “fairy godmother” to an amazing nearly 22-year old young woman - I ADORED this post. Connecting with kids and establishing kinship is super fun for me and you gave some great pointers. Still chuckling about the presents…
I used to be great mates with my niece, but now I’m not because I’m not pretty and don’t wear nice clothes. At least that’s what she told me when I asked.
I've always got along with small kids more than grown-ups. I love their energy and openess to silly conversations. Our youngest is 7 now and I always take the time to say hello to their friends when I go to the school and have a little chat with them and swap jokes and the like. I never got why people find it hard to interact with kids but i guess its an innate thing some people have.
I used to worry that i was immature, but I've reframed it. I prefer to think of myself as not Childish, but Childlike.
I feel you, Tinsysnips. Especially in the depths of the pandemic when I was super stressed, it was so much easier for me to talk to the kids in my bubble than the adults. Kids are just so entirely real and entirely themselves, and social niceties often really aren't of much use. When my capacity to do social niceties is diminished, I can pretty much only talk to kids.
I especially love the idea that (some) younger people and (some) older people want to get together to create change for the good, going against the more prevalent idea that the generations are always in conflict.
As someone with 5 younger siblings-in-law who I’ve known since the youngest was 4 (and is now 18), I loved this post so much. And now as a parent of a 3 year old it’s come around again!
What I found to be tricky was maintaining those relationships through the teenage years. There were many many months and years when my in-laws were teens that we would come back to visit for a whole day or even a weekend and would literally never see certain kids because they were in their rooms or off with friends, so even though we were around, it was like we weren’t. I really tried to ask questions about their friends and their most beloved extracurriculars (NOT asking in context of college, or making a certain team, or wins/losses. Asking about positions or what they’re working on, their teammates and teachers, explaining the rules and who they play, etc is better).
I also volunteered to drive them to friends houses when I was around and they needed a ride and their parents could use a break from the endless taxi-ing. Then you ask all about the friend on the way over - who is this friend again? How long have you been friends? I had 5 of them to keep track of so I literally had notes on my phone - who is each of their best friend, what activity do they each do, are they on JV or varsity, are they in a leadership position, etc. the way in is definitely through interest in friends, willingness to drive them to Ulta or a late night McDonalds coke, and absolutely no questions about college EVER, except to ask how they’re holding up in the thick of application season and asking if their parents are driving them insane. And if a teen starts talking to you, do not go to bed until they stop, even if you’re up until 3am. You will be DYING but it will solidify their trust like no other to have a late night or two being able to just talk to you without getting the sigh and “it’s late” announcement they’re used to. The middle of the night is when their brain is up for confiding - try to force yourself to be there. There were a few times when my daughter was a baby and I was desperate for sleep, and one of my teenage in-laws would suddenly start talking to me at 11:30pm when we were at my in-laws house for the weekend and I would literally drink coffee and stand up for 90 minutes to keep myself awake.
Now seeing them with my daughter is a whole new era. They’re trying to connect with her the way I remember trying to connect with them 15 years ago. And it’s a whole new era shifting my relationship with them as they become adults! It’s been such a gift to have all of these kids (now adults) in my life, and now a gift to my daughter too.
This is a such a beautiful story of the ebbs and flows of Auntiehood! My hat is off to you for staying up for the late night teen talk sessions. I am such a bedtime wimp!
What an impressive post. You've given me many ideas for more meaningful conversations with my grandsons.
Yay! I so want to be here for the grandparents. I’ve got an homage to grandmothers coming up in a future post soon. I hope you’ll share it with your friends!
Calvin Trillin recommends as an opening gambit, “Who’s the meanest kid in your class?”. Works every time.
LOL. I bet it does work every time! It makes me think that my next question would be "Who's the nicest kid in your class?" and then you're finding out who their friends are!
Oooh! I'm so glad I stumbled upon this. Lots of my dear friends have young children and I've been wondering how to connect with them better, especially as an introvert who hates random small talk myself.
I was thinking "BOLD MOVE invoking Pokemon!!!" until I saw the footnote. Truly, if a kid has an opening, many hours can be spent explaining Pokemon, and at the end of them I will still have no idea what's going on there. Excruciatingly boring for me, truly. Enter at your own risk.
Excruciating is right! I feel like this is one of those trade-off moves where you are going to get sucked into a really interminable ridiculous conversation, but on the other hand if you can make it through, that kid will love you forever.
My grandsons know that I was around when their own daddies collected Pokémon cards and just assume I know the characters’ names. I’ve been making pillow cases with Pokémon fabric, really scored some points that way!
My husband and I have succumbed (yes, I’m dramatic) to a “childfree” life as a result of years of infertility, but we have two beautiful nieces whose relationships I value more than ever. I often find myself asking these open-ended questions and struggling to find an opening into their inner thoughts. Thank for the advice!
I feel you, Elyse. If you haven't seen it already, maybe you'd be interested in my post about my own experience with infertility (in the form of multiple pregnancy loss). I have come to a similar conclusion as you, that the relationships I do have with kids are so, so precious.
https://open.substack.com/pub/theauntie/p/but-wait-is-auntiehood-the-real-having?r=nbcpy&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true
I’d say these are good conversation tips full stop, not just for kids (personally I also hate being asked open ended questions)
Frankly, I agree! My least favorite questions to be asked have to do with what I'm up to. When someone asks me what I've done lately ("what'd you do this weekend?") or what I'm planning to do ("what are you doing this weekend?") I literally do not know and can't be bothered to report. Best case scenario, in my view, is to be able to report that I have done or will do very little.
Your piece popped up at just the right time for me. We are leaving this Saturday on a trip to visit our kids and grandkids, (I’m stepmom and step grandma btw). For the first five years of the oldest boy’s life and for the first 3.5 of his sister’s we helped with daycare, splitting that time with the other set of grandparents. That time was by far among the most meaningful of my life, watching them grow from babies to awesomely individual little people. What you wrote about the significance of what the amount of time a year signifies in a 5 year old’s life compared to us adults has been acutely on my mind as well. You see, we missed our spring time visit, so it’s been a year since we’ve seen them. We FT of course, but even there I can sense how much they have grown and how much less of a reality we are in their lives. Feb. 2025 will mark 3 years since we used to see them on an almost daily basis. As you probably can tell, this all pretty emotional for me at the moment. But I wanted to thank you for you for your pointers about talking with kids in a way that makes sense to them. I was really good at the kind of physical humor that can make a 3 year old lose it, but an almost 8 year old? I feel like I need all the tips I can get, so thanks.
Judith, it sounds so wrenching to have that level of connection and daily involvement with kids you love, and then have that experience change so dramatically. Can I ask, was it your choice or theirs to move? If it was yours, how did you make that choice?
I feel like if you're good with 3 year olds you will be good with 8 year olds too. I hope you have a wonderful trip!
I am very curious about your decision to not give gifts; is love to read a post about it!
Stay tuned for that very post coming a week or two before Black Friday!
As a grandma of four, a “bonus grandma” to seven and a “fairy godmother” to an amazing nearly 22-year old young woman - I ADORED this post. Connecting with kids and establishing kinship is super fun for me and you gave some great pointers. Still chuckling about the presents…
Wow, this is such a helpful, practical, and insightful post! Thank you for your time and effort in writing it.
I used to be great mates with my niece, but now I’m not because I’m not pretty and don’t wear nice clothes. At least that’s what she told me when I asked.
Oh man, kids are the best and they're also such JERKS!!!! How did you respond??
I can’t remember exactly, but she meant it.
What a punk. I've been dissed hard by kids, too. I'm sorry this happened to you! How old is she?
She’s twelve now but I think she was six or seven maybe at the time. I’m ok with it, sad that she’s like that though. Hopefully she grows out of it.
How will you know if she does? Do you keep trying?
No, our families are estranged now. Parents died, strings unravelled. I’ll hear through the grapevine though.
Oh Lucy, this is such a sad story! I'm so sorry about all this loss.
I've always got along with small kids more than grown-ups. I love their energy and openess to silly conversations. Our youngest is 7 now and I always take the time to say hello to their friends when I go to the school and have a little chat with them and swap jokes and the like. I never got why people find it hard to interact with kids but i guess its an innate thing some people have.
I used to worry that i was immature, but I've reframed it. I prefer to think of myself as not Childish, but Childlike.
I feel you, Tinsysnips. Especially in the depths of the pandemic when I was super stressed, it was so much easier for me to talk to the kids in my bubble than the adults. Kids are just so entirely real and entirely themselves, and social niceties often really aren't of much use. When my capacity to do social niceties is diminished, I can pretty much only talk to kids.
Excellent post with great suggestions - thanks!
I love this post.
I especially love the idea that (some) younger people and (some) older people want to get together to create change for the good, going against the more prevalent idea that the generations are always in conflict.
This lovely piece prompted possible "Would you rather" ideas to pose to my niblings now, thanks for the great ideas!