Hmm, I have five out of the six qualities and yet I have two kids, one 16 months and the other 5. And I’m quite happy with my life despite the challenges of sleep deprivation, disability, household chaos, introvertness, having a husband AND having kids. Perhaps crucially, I don’t live in the US. I live in the UK. 🤷♀️
But coming back to the quiz, none of these qualities were dealbreakers for me or non-overcome-able barriers for me? I believe you can have a great life without kids and being an Auntie but I want to provide the alternative view to any readers who might think… yikes, I fit most of these so should I really have kids?
Obviously, only you can decide that but if you want them- sure, it takes some planning, adaptation, gritting your teeth at times, and open communication with your husband and clear expectations but it’s immensely do-able and often (dare I say it, it seems kind of taboo in modern parenting circles… ) joyful. And heartbreaking and wonderful and every emotion in between.
Despite the fact on paper I don’t look like the person who would be a parent or that society expects to be a parent given the above qualities, I make it work, and my life is enriched for it. And I think my kids are doing fine, even if I sleep a bit longer and they watch a tablet beside me, my husband takes more of the physical load or our bathroom is a mess and I have to close the door to maintain sanity. And I breastfeed and co sleep and so yeah…
maybe I’m a bit sensitive and this isn’t the post for me, but I wanted to highlight the above points too.
Gillian, I totally hear you. I sometimes forget to be mindful of people who have similar conditions to myself -- but unlike me, have taken the parenting path. I should've been more careful. I'm going to go back into this post and add an update up top to the effect that I really support whatever path we all choose to take in life! It is not wrong, unethical, misled, or naive to have kids even if you have all six qualities; it's just helpful to have a good idea of what you're signing up for.
On the point of how joyful parenting can be, I really appreciate your emphasizing this. If you haven't read Elissa Strauss's terrific book, WHEN YOU CARE, I think you would love it. It's a progressive take on how parenting has gotten a bad rap in left-wing circles in recent years, but it's actual enjoyable, joyful, rewarding, and lovely, and we need to tell the whole story. Elissa also has a Substack newsletter, Made With Care, which I highly recommend. https://elissa.substack.com/
Thank you Lisa for taking the comment in the spirit it was intended! There are many paths to take and sometimes people try to steer us down one path because of our personal qualities/characteristics and it might be actually that’s not the best fit for us, especially if we could manage with just a bit more help from our extended circle (including our wonderful Aunties and other alloparent figures.
I will check out Elissa’s Substack as it sounds very up my ally. In return, if it’s of interest to you or any person reading it, I recommend Jessica Slice’s Substack or her new book ‘Unfit Parent’ as, despite the title, it promotes and delves into the reasons why disabled people make great parents. Rebekah Taussig’s Substack and podcast is also a great resource for disabled parents.
Gillian, you bet. I always really, really appreciate it when readers take the time to point out what I've gotten wrong or framed in a hurtful or problematic way. I have made some updates to the post (namely in the introductory part and the part about chronic illness and disability). I've also added Jessica Slice's book and Rebekah Tausig's newsletter as suggested reads -- I agree, they are both so wonderful!
I also really appreciate your getting into the comments thread and participating widely. Your contributions are really helping to make this conversation richer. Thank you so much!
My sense is that Lisa understands that despite these six points, most people will still go on to have children, and that’s great for them. But she’s really trying to offer support and affirm those who look at this list, relate to its points, and want to continue living without children. That’s essential in a society that says you’re either a parent or not valuable at all, especially for women.
As someone who has 5 of the 6 -- but with no children AND a totally locked-down reproductive system -- I want to also thank you for sharing your perspective. (I don't have chronic illness, which is very fortunate because I live in the US with for-profit health care!)
The first person to talk to me honestly about motherhood was a college friend whose advice was, literally, "if you really want kids, have 'em, but it is incredibly hard, so gung-ho into it is the way to go." Watching other people in my life in varying circumstances reproduce, I remain very convinced that her advice might be THE bottom line. I did not feel that strong urge, and so the rewards of parenting -- which I absolutely see in the parents of wonderful kids in my life, like said college friend's daughter -- did not appeal to me more than the challenges turned me off. If that makes sense.
And man, so much of parenting advice seems to be YOU MUST DO THIS OR YOUR KIDS WILL FLOUNDER, so good on you for bringing up how you buck the "shoulds" and telling us about it :)
Sadye, your college friend's advice feels really right on. I think a lot of us sensitive, introverted, chronically sick and tired folks find ourselves very conflicted about the prospect of parenthood, so then we need to pay extra careful attention to what we actually WANT. "Gung ho is the way to go!"
No problem! Absolutely people should take a considered approach to having children and whether it’s the right path for them. And in your circumstances and explanation that the potential rewards didn’t outweigh the downsides make a lot of sense.
In my case,
There’s a lot of inherent ableism built into modern parenting about what we should do/look like when we parent. Rejecting that narrative has helped me reframe the challenges and made it more affirming and less scary.
That's super reassuring to read, Gillian 🥲 I'm in the early stages of medically assisted procreation with my trans partner and we have so many reasons to want a child and yet are pretty scared of some of the reasons outlined in the article. But we're not in the US either and tbh I think that makes a HUGE difference? Idk, I hope so. The sleep deprivation scares me so much but like, am I not gonna have a child for that reason, idk, it's not horrible enough (although yeah if it lasts 9 years I would probably die or go out and buy cigarettes one day and never return lmao)
Yeah, I think non-US places do offer a bit more of a softer landing cushion for parents (with usually more maternity leave, help with childcare, more public child- friendly places.
Good luck with it!! Sleep deprivation can be hard and for our family, safe co-sleeping (from birth for the second child) made all the difference! But there still is a big element of lack of sleep and people deal with it in different ways, whether that’s shared feeding with formula, protected time to sleep with your partner taking the baby, leaning on a wider community… all of this too is likely easier in non-US spaces where there is not the rush back to work for the birthing parent and often parental leave even if just a few weeks, for the non-birthing parent.
Yes, I think that's a major advantage of not breastfeeding tbh! It's more expensive but it gives equal bonding time with the baby to the parent who can breastfeed and the other one, and saves you at night... Thank you for listing all these other options
Gillian, I came here to say the same. I mark 5 out of 6 on this list, but have 2 kids. One is 19 with developmental disabilities and one is 10 and wants to be an evil genius. lol 2 advice pieces in this particular reply thread are why we survived: be gung ho (if you want it, you want it); and let go of the parenting “shoulds” (nobody follows them, no matter what they say in public). And here’s 4 more that might be helpful to highly sensitive parents: 1- all the hard things are phases that will pass; 2- prioritize the tools to regulate your own emotions (CBT was helpful for me); 3- make time for yourself (breaks, friends, interests); and 4- give in to having fun (kids are way silly and will show you how to be silly too)
Stacy, good calls all around! I really appreciate you and others who have gotten into this comment thread to offer some alternative experiences and perspectives.
In particular, you're so right about the "shoulds." I've actually gone back and changed the title of this piece to better align with your necessary wisdom on this!
I loved this so much and it came into my inbox at the perfect moment. Thank you, Lisa!
I'm also adding to this list: "You are very content and connected in your current partnership (whether it's with a man or not!)."
I am an auntie and a lover of some truly stellar kids and parents in my life. I am also a couples therapist who specializes in supporting people on the journey to and of parenthood, and the research (+ my experience) is just clear - a vast majority of couples experience a significant decrease in relationship satisfaction and significant increase in relationship conflict in years after the transition to parenthood. A lot of that can probably be explained at least in part by the reasons you already wrote about, Lisa (patriarchy, paltry institutional support, and lack of community approaches to raising kids in the US etc.), but it's also just HARD to undergo a massive, sudden, and long-term shift in: your body (if you're carrying a kid), overall identity, career, friendships, relationships with family, how you spend your time, what your priorities are, how much you're sleeping, where your money's going, etc. alongside someone else and NOT have your relationship forever changed by it. It's part of my life's work to support people through this time, so I obviously think it can be worthwhile for people who want to do it, but it's really, really hard.
Oooooh, so intriguing to have a couples' therapist's take on this, HB! This is making me think that you probably have a real parade of cautionary tales coming through your office door, and a sort of self-selecting set of worst case scenarios (because if people's relationships are doing well through early parenthood, they're unlikely to seek out couple's therapy).
But also, among the many parent couples I know, for every couple who actually goes to couples therapy there seem to be several more who want to but can't find the time, or one person wants to go (in cis-het couples, usually the woman) and the other refuses. In other words, even if the sample of people who go to couples therapy is self-selecting for those who are struggling, they seem to be representative of a much larger group of people.
For sure, Lisa!! Part of my work definitely involves some cautionary tales, but honestly most of the couples I work with love each other a lot and are deeply committed to each other. I also work with a lot of couples pre-commitment and have been alongside folks as they transition to marriage/long-term partnership and then parenthood. Very few people come to me BECAUSE they’re struggling with parenting (because most of those folks are probably too burnt out to even make couples therapy happen tbh!), so in some ways I highly doubt I’m seeing the worst of the worst by a long shot. I do think I’m seeing a pretty representative cross section of *the people who can find the time/resources for therapy* in my little segment of the country. Overall, it’s my observation that my couples who are parents simply have to work WAY harder to keep their connection alive because there are more variables and potential connection land mines in the mix.
I guess in some ways what brings me to my perspective (beyond just the research that confirms it!) is the fact that I do see a lot of really strong, connected, well-resourced couples in my practice and they’re still not able to avoid these massive shifts in the nature of expectations, quality time, intimacy, energy levels, identity, stress, distractions, frustrations/resentments, sacrifices etc. that have fundamentally changed how they relate to their partner. Many people think that having children is a beautiful way to affirm the relationship they already have with their spouse, and that may be true for some folks, AND I feel like most people should really not count on kids enhancing a partnership without a ton of (admirable and worthy) work, effort, and acceptance that things will be forever different.
Thanks for sharing your perspective, HB! My husband and I are talking about whether we want to have kids and I'm curious what you've seen help preserve or restore relationship satisfaction? Being happy in our current family structure (the two of us and our dog) is one of the reasons we're nervous about having kids, and I'm curious what you've seen work in your practice or if you have any advice for folks in our situation.
This is a great question, Claire. Beyond the obvious privilege things — paid time off! money for childcare! stable housing! — in my experience the couples who navigate the transition best are the ones who:
1). are able to involve their community (friends, grandparents, neighbors, whatever) in their child rearing as quickly as possible. When a couple has 1-5 other adults who they trust, who their child trusts, and who knows the rhythms of the family and can tap in on short (or long) notice for an afternoon or a weekend to do direct childcare or general support (cooking meals, caring for pets, running laundry), the results for the couple are richer and more relieving than any therapy I could offer them. This takes a lot of trust on the part of the parents, and a willingness to step out of the nuclear family bubble, so it can be hard work to let go of control, but the return is gold. You wouldn’t believe how many couples I see who have tons of resources and privilege but are just so lonely with parenthood because they are doing it completely alone outside of the childcare they pay for.
2). do not preemptively fill their evening and weekend schedules and their child’s schedules with enrichment activities that the kid isn’t enthusiastic about. My clients who wait to get their kid into sports, dance, music, etc. until they at least show a passing excitement (and who stay low stakes about it until the kid is super pumped on it) seem way less stressed and have way more flexibility in their schedules to spend free time alone/as a family/taking care of their human needs/traveling/going on dates.
3). still have hobbies and support each other’s hobbies!
4). make time to connect as human beings and check in on how their relationship is going OUTSIDE of the utilitarian functions of it. These conversations are more “Have I made sure you know you’re special lately?” and “I wanted to tell you I really admire how you…” and less “Here’s what I need you to pick up at the store, do for the kids, with the house, etc” (though obviously those conversations need to happen too).
I’m sure there’s a lot more, but these are the things that came to mind instantly when I read your comment. Again, this is just based on my experience so I don’t have big studies to back it up lol but it’s true to my witness of things!
Wow, thank you for this detailed and insightful comment. I sent your thoughts over to my husband and we are both so grateful for you openly sharing your experience and what you've witnessed.
I wish the obvious things were a given for all families and these other ideas are great!
Re #1: As an aspiring auntie, I've noticed some very dear friends have struggled to step out of the nuclear family bubble even though they know and trust me (I started babysitting when I was 13 years old and now somehow spend less time with peoples' kids than 20 years ago lol). I'm sure it's easier said than done, but I do feel strongly that if my husband and I have kids, I would like to involve my community beyond my family and/or paid childcare.
Your point about hobbies is so important, too—my husband and I both have quite a few hobbies (some shared, mostly separate) and they're a big contributor to the richness of our lives. I struggle with how hobbies can be treated as frivolous or are often the first thing to go when life gets busy. My hobbies "fill my cup" and are often what I experience most deeply as quality time with myself, and my ideal life with kids still makes space for them in some way.
My husband and I have been practicing the Gottman "state of the union" every couple weeks and it's been a nice way to connect and give each other feedback. I've noticed even without kids, it's easy to fall into the utilitarian or roommate style way of relating to each other with all the business of day-to-day life, and I'm hopeful building some of these skills now will lay the groundwork for if/when we bring kids into our family (and if not, it's still a helpful practice I've recommended to friends!).
Thank you for your encouragement and thoughtful reflections! The couples you work with are lucky to have you on their team :)
Are you inside my brain? Watching a live camera feed of my life with two elementary-aged kids? Lisa, your descriptions of the sleep challenges and the morning struggles and the baby stage and the mental load are SPOT ON, which indicates to me that you've really been closely watching and listening and helping the parents in your life. I feel deeply triggered and also validated.
I checked 4 out of 6. I'm glad I'm a parent because I desperately wanted to be a mother, and I suspect I would have felt that longing my whole life had I not had the opportunity to become a parent. And yet, parenting has largely not been joyful for me, at least yet (even though I love my children fiercely). I'd descibe it as a two-decade-long trek up a brutal mountain. I feel proud to be climbing the mountain. It's a worthwhile endeavor. But it's not a good time. And I would never tell anyone that they absolutely need to spend twenty years trudging up the mountain in order to have a full or meaningful life.
Jeannie, your experience is so important for prospective parents to hear. I know so many people, especially women, who need to hear the full range of ways these things play out. Having kids IS such a huge blessing -- I don't know any parent who doesn't love their kids like crazy -- AND it may or may not be joyful.
I am so grateful to have found the Auntie Bulletin at this stage of life. <3
My husband and I don't have kids (not entirely by choice -- mysterious infertility!), but I can look at this list and go yeahhhhh we check off like 4 or 5 of these easily. There's grief as we age, sure, but there's also the joy of three very cute great-nephews and a lot of friends having kids. not gonna lie, it was kind of fun to celebrate all the moms at our church and in our family on Mother's Day and then play video games in my quiet house. 😅
And! Hyped for the upcoming book list because I've been thinking I need some cool picture books for the nephews!
"Not gonna lie, it was kind of fun to celebrate all the moms at our church and in our family on Mother's Day and then play video games in my quiet house."
I feel like is the small quiet voice that I listened to, and I do not regret it!
I'm in a volunteer group powered almost exclusively by mothers who even have living mothers in our city -- many (but not all) years I find it to be a great privilege to take on volunteer duties on Mother's Day weekend since my mother often has a burdensome workload at her full-time job that weekend. This year, I was visiting a friend, but I did deliver baked/iced cakes with gel frosting to two special sets of kids in my life so that THEY could celebrate their moms!
YESSSSS, Sadye! This is such a good example of how Aunties build everyone's capacity! Mothers are simply streched thinner than we are, so we may be available to fill the gaps in organizing and activism when the parents need to be elsewhere.
I feel like part of me does fantasize about having children. BUT my life being childfree is so nice. I really like not having major demands on my life and space besides work. I don’t know parents juggle everything and remain grounded. Parenting is a lifelong job.
The longer I enjoyed life without kids, the more I didn't want to give it up. I think the wait helped me gradually realize that I expected I would have kids because that's what people seemed to do (this despite being raised in a liberal household with a passionately pro-choice mother!), versus that I actively wanted to have kids.
I totally relate to what you’re saying. The day-to-day demands of parenting would make me so miserable. I am in constant interaction with people for work (which is fine), but I need my alone time at home or else, lol.
I've mentioned my friend A in sooo many comments here, as she has always been very honest about the realities of having a kid, and here's another one -- like in Lisa's post, she mentioned how your body isn't your own for YEARS, completely independent of breastfeeding, because of how touchy kids are. I was in line somewhere once, forget the circumstances, and I watched a kid (maybe 6ish?) just constantly grabbing at and maybe also being touched by the mother, and that is just not the way I feel about physical contact, to the point where I asked my sister "surely we didn't do that with our mom, right?" (she's fairly physically standoffish as well) because I felt so confused by it all.
As someone who was avowed child-free4lyfe (...until I wasn't), I think this post is great food for thought!
On one hand, I -- like some other commenters-- hit 4.5 of these [partner is a GAY man, ahem], and am still glad I chose to become a parent. I do not regret the choice, despite being a 9/10 hour sleeper introvert who LOVES quiet and tidy. (Personally I think #5&6 should be "weighted" higher than the others, but that's me)
Given that some other commenters have already weighed in from that perspective, I wanted to offer from the auntie side -- despite the mental/physical/financial tolls of choosing childrearing (especially in a hostile economic/housing situation in the US versus other wealthy nations) -- choosing NOT to have a child is STILL the more taboo route. I've been on both sides, and this is just....true.
This may change as more and more millennials/Gen z are choosing not to parent. But having experienced both sides of the coin, the social stigmas around being a single & childfree woman are still acute, and I felt them greatly. I feel very protective of women making what I feel is still a societally brave choice in a world where the #1 most lauded and celebrated thing you can do is to have a child. Until that's not true, it will still be a harder choice (and one you are forced to defend forever) to NOT be a mother.
I have 5 of the 6 and could relate to every item you shared. When I was about 16 years old I had a strong sense that I would never be a parent to my own biological children. I didn’t realize until I was ~30 that I have ADHD, but I always suspected I would struggle with parenthood. Thank goodness Planned Parenthood was there for me when I had an accidental pregnancy at age 28 (while married but terrified of being a parent).
I’m deeply grateful to those that take on the extraordinary challenge of parenting, and also happy to contribute what I can as an Auntie.
Capitalism and individualism make it hard for all of us, not just parents to survive and thrive in this world. I keep hoping that more and more people will wake up to this, and I’m seeing signs that this is happening.
In the meantime, thanks for expressing how some of us made this deliberate choice, for our own sanity and for the collective good. 💗
Well said, Cristy! "I’m deeply grateful to those that take on the extraordinary challenge of parenting, and also happy to contribute what I can as an Auntie." Me too!
Lisa, I literally LOL'ed several times during this, but I also know you're dead serious. I wish you could meet the healthcare worker (I think she's a physician assistant but can't remember) who asked me during an IUD consult if I'd asked my husband if he wanted to be pregnant. Because her tone was 100% yours in this post. She was being both funny and serious. I took her advice and asked him and didn't let him just laugh it off; he did concede that no, he would not want to be pregnant. No shade on anyone who does want to be, but my god, what a thing to *force* on another human being.
Last night I discovered that two friends of my husband's (they're in my social circle too I guess but they're really more casual acquaintances at this point) both had gone to a particular bike group that does hours-long rides on weeknights in rural parts of our metro area. Z has a 3-month-old at home. S has a 5-year-old and a 5-month-old at home. Again I told my husband, geez, I thought that a kind response to Z's long-ago comment of "don't you think your husband would be a good dad?" would have been, "oh, yeah, but then he can go on the long bike rides he loves," but I see that the only person who actually gets free by not having kids is the ciswoman in a hetero relationship. Husband kinda smirked but didn't really say much. My sister points out, accurately, that husband had no actual rebuttal to this.
And I really have to say, my sister and I reflect frequently on how much our parents did NOT reflect the gender stereotyping, which is impressive since we were both born in the late 1980s. Like you said, Lisa, I look at cis-het couples I know whose kids are under 10 and almost never see that equality from the outside.
OH MAN WE SHOULD ASK EVERY PROSPECTIVE DAD IF HE WANTS TO BE PREGNANT! Also give birth, breastfeed, be the primary caretaker, and carry 95% of the mental load.
And oh my gosh this bike group example is straight up INFURIATING. And I bet so many of us can think of examples like this. I know a dad who went to a four-day out-of-state bachelor party when his baby was two weeks old. Once you understand what moms are up against in this phase of life, it feels unconscionable.
Also: keep reminding us of the "when the baby cries, pass it to the dad." I probably won't ever hold the babies I mentioned above, but I want the groundwork in place for if I do.
I saw that provider again a few weeks ago and told her how valuable the "have you asked your male partner if he wants to be pregnant" prompt was, and she seemed very pleased. Hopefully it's the start of a whole movement amongst those of us who can become pregnant :)
Thank you. More people need to know this. And make an informed choice about kids. I tick several boxes on this list and I live with kids and am constantly exhausted and have no space for what nourishes me. Hopefully these 6 points expands beyond here into books and podcasts and a broader discussion
I always knew I was skipping children anyway, and I'm finally almost at the point where I'm home free (yay menopause!) but this is a nicely affirming list. I have zero objections to people having kids, but please, I have already decided I don't want them, stop bugging me about it.
I even had someone go so far as to say, "Well, even if you don't think you want them, you should have at least one anyway." Which seems like the worst advice ever - there's a world of difference between an unplanned child and an unwanted child, and I can't imagine why anyone would do that to a kid. Knowing you're not wanted feels like shit.
“Even if you think you don’t want them, you should have one anyway”??? Are you kidding me? That is such terrible advice. I want to live in a world where no one ever gives advice like that, or listens to it.
I disagree with these as reasons to choose to not be a parent- at the same time I agree that our society does not tell you how hard it can be either. Yes, it is hard having kids and yes sometimes it is better to choose not to have kids. But these factors you list are not the reasons IMO (and I speak as an introvert who did get overdosed lol)
Been in the trying and failing to have kids situation (it s@cks) and sorry to say this sounds to me more like trying to convince yourself it is ok to not have kids( which it definitely is, just not these reasons). Been there, done that, sending hugs.
Lisa, Reasons to not have kids range the gamut, from:
I just don't want any
I like kids but I don't feel a strong pull one way or the other
Financially I don't feel ready to have kids
I can't take the monthly pain of trying and failing anymore
The mental and/or physical pain from the miscarriages is too much
I'm not willing to take fertility drugs because <multitude of reasons>
I can't afford to do IVF (or any more IVF) or take the failure of another IVF
I tried to adopt and no one chose me/had to give the baby back
+ many many more
FWIW, I hit quite a few of the reasons I listed above on my journey, took some breaks and each time ended up deciding to try again, and yet I know it was still only luck in the end (adopted 2 kids as babies in my early 40's after a failed adoption).
Some I know stopped earlier on the same path. Some much earlier. Some tried even more than me but never had success. And of course everyone tells you every success story on the way -- no one needs to hear any of those I'm sure. The thing is each person has to make their own decision on when/if to stop trying for themselves. Its hard I know, sending hugs to anyone on that path right now.
Lael, I am SO sorry to hear about your failed adoption. What a catastrophe. My partner and I got most of the way toward joining a prospective adoptive parents' pool (all we had left to do was make our book and write our letter to the birth parents) before we decided not to parent. We'd been in a waiting adoptive parents' support group for months, though, and heard/saw several such stories unfold in real time. It's one of the most heartbreaking experiences I can imagine.
And I am so happy for you that you were able to finally adopt!
As for convincing ourselves it is okay not to have kids -- I want to unpack that a little. In my own experience (and you're right, I probably overgeneralized too much in this article to suggest that others' would be similar), I first decided not to parent and then came to realize afterward how grateful I was not to have to navigate sensitivity, introversion, chronic illness, marriage to a man, etc., as a parent, given my limitations. I am filled with gratitude that I'm not a parent and am an Auntie instead, and (based on people's comments and messages to me) I believe that's the case for a lot of Aunties. I do know a lot of people who decided not to parent for these reasons and are very glad they did so -- including many folks who commented on this post.
I guess the takeaway is none of us can speak for each other! We all have our reasons for the decisions we make, and they vary widely. I will definitely be bearing this in mind with The Auntie Bulletin going forward.
Lisa, I think we agree that there are a lot of costs (physical/mental/financial) involved in raising kids and each persons decision to either have or not have kids includes considerations of those costs. And also no matter at what point anyone decides to not have kids, their choice is their own and not for anyone else to comment on.
I get you're trying to provide a different perspective, but I think the comment about disability and chronic illness is insensitive.
I'm probably taking it personally, but it feels particularly cruel as someone who has endometriosis. I'd already have to go through a lot to have children, being told that I should consider not having them at all due to my health is upsetting.
Many things are more difficult for me, but I find ways to make life easier and better in spite of being ill. I would sure as hell fight to make sure that my future kids weren't impacted by it and I'm sure many people feel the same.
There's a long history of disabled people in particular being told they shouldn't be parents, I would ask you to please be a little more considerate of that.
Katie, thanks for the call-in on this. You're not the only reader who has commented with this perspective, and you are right that I needed to rethink my framing on the chronic illness and disability piece in particular.
On the strength of your and others' wise feedback, I've made some updates to the post (namely in the introductory part and the part about chronic illness and disability). I've also added Jessica Slice's book and Rebekah Tausig's newsletter as suggested reads -- both are disabled mothers writing right now with invaluable wisdom and insight about parenting with disability.
Pitiful really. Hopeless, narrow minded, and Selfish, to say the least. Really just plain wrong on virtually every front. And totally bereft of vision of any kind. You’re clearly talking to the wrong people as your sources. The fact is that parenthood would reverse many of your small-minded, lazy assumptions — especially regarding your capacity as a human to love. But then again, if that’s the type of people you hang out with…
If you truly think this person is “hopeless, narrow minded and selfish” then if anything would’t you applaud the self-awareness in choosing not to parent? Many people choose not to parent not because they don’t care about children, but because they care about them very much and are very aware of what’s required to give them a wonderful life, and are wise enough to know that they can’t or won’t provide that life. I am always confused when people comment things like this to child-free women but then still think the solution is to have children—as if having children you don’t want and know you aren’t prepared for is some kind of forcible “cure”. In fact we have endless examples of parents who probably shouldn’t have had children and did anyways—and rarely if ever do the parents in question snap into being an exemplary parent and loving every minute. Instead everyone is unhappy. I think its clear from your comment that what you actually want is to punish women who dared to choose differently than what you see as their predetermined role—which reveals that you do actually understand that being forced to raise an unwanted child is in fact a punitive life sentence for all involved.
The disabilities and illness part is not just upsetting it’s honestly shocking to read and your writers note clearly doesn’t understand why it’s shockingly ableist thing to say an reinforces so many internalized able bodied ideas of what’s parenthood should look like. Please read Unfit Parent by Jessica Slice or maybe more disability perspectives. I really hope you take some responsibility for what this does when someone reads that even including your note
Hi Andy. I have read Unfit Parent and I myself have a disability. My argument in this essay is not about whether people with disabilities are ABLE to parent. We absolutely are, and do so well, as Slice’s book so beautifully demonstrates. The question I’m raising here is whether all of us WANT to. I personally do not, and I know a lot of other disabled people who also do not want to be parents. People, especially women, who are trying to decide whether or not to have children need to have all the information they can, including reasons why people with chronic illnesses and disabilities might want to opt out. Although opting in is also a good choice!
Hmm, I have five out of the six qualities and yet I have two kids, one 16 months and the other 5. And I’m quite happy with my life despite the challenges of sleep deprivation, disability, household chaos, introvertness, having a husband AND having kids. Perhaps crucially, I don’t live in the US. I live in the UK. 🤷♀️
But coming back to the quiz, none of these qualities were dealbreakers for me or non-overcome-able barriers for me? I believe you can have a great life without kids and being an Auntie but I want to provide the alternative view to any readers who might think… yikes, I fit most of these so should I really have kids?
Obviously, only you can decide that but if you want them- sure, it takes some planning, adaptation, gritting your teeth at times, and open communication with your husband and clear expectations but it’s immensely do-able and often (dare I say it, it seems kind of taboo in modern parenting circles… ) joyful. And heartbreaking and wonderful and every emotion in between.
Despite the fact on paper I don’t look like the person who would be a parent or that society expects to be a parent given the above qualities, I make it work, and my life is enriched for it. And I think my kids are doing fine, even if I sleep a bit longer and they watch a tablet beside me, my husband takes more of the physical load or our bathroom is a mess and I have to close the door to maintain sanity. And I breastfeed and co sleep and so yeah…
maybe I’m a bit sensitive and this isn’t the post for me, but I wanted to highlight the above points too.
Gillian, I totally hear you. I sometimes forget to be mindful of people who have similar conditions to myself -- but unlike me, have taken the parenting path. I should've been more careful. I'm going to go back into this post and add an update up top to the effect that I really support whatever path we all choose to take in life! It is not wrong, unethical, misled, or naive to have kids even if you have all six qualities; it's just helpful to have a good idea of what you're signing up for.
On the point of how joyful parenting can be, I really appreciate your emphasizing this. If you haven't read Elissa Strauss's terrific book, WHEN YOU CARE, I think you would love it. It's a progressive take on how parenting has gotten a bad rap in left-wing circles in recent years, but it's actual enjoyable, joyful, rewarding, and lovely, and we need to tell the whole story. Elissa also has a Substack newsletter, Made With Care, which I highly recommend. https://elissa.substack.com/
Thank you Lisa for taking the comment in the spirit it was intended! There are many paths to take and sometimes people try to steer us down one path because of our personal qualities/characteristics and it might be actually that’s not the best fit for us, especially if we could manage with just a bit more help from our extended circle (including our wonderful Aunties and other alloparent figures.
I will check out Elissa’s Substack as it sounds very up my ally. In return, if it’s of interest to you or any person reading it, I recommend Jessica Slice’s Substack or her new book ‘Unfit Parent’ as, despite the title, it promotes and delves into the reasons why disabled people make great parents. Rebekah Taussig’s Substack and podcast is also a great resource for disabled parents.
Gillian, you bet. I always really, really appreciate it when readers take the time to point out what I've gotten wrong or framed in a hurtful or problematic way. I have made some updates to the post (namely in the introductory part and the part about chronic illness and disability). I've also added Jessica Slice's book and Rebekah Tausig's newsletter as suggested reads -- I agree, they are both so wonderful!
I also really appreciate your getting into the comments thread and participating widely. Your contributions are really helping to make this conversation richer. Thank you so much!
My sense is that Lisa understands that despite these six points, most people will still go on to have children, and that’s great for them. But she’s really trying to offer support and affirm those who look at this list, relate to its points, and want to continue living without children. That’s essential in a society that says you’re either a parent or not valuable at all, especially for women.
As someone who has 5 of the 6 -- but with no children AND a totally locked-down reproductive system -- I want to also thank you for sharing your perspective. (I don't have chronic illness, which is very fortunate because I live in the US with for-profit health care!)
The first person to talk to me honestly about motherhood was a college friend whose advice was, literally, "if you really want kids, have 'em, but it is incredibly hard, so gung-ho into it is the way to go." Watching other people in my life in varying circumstances reproduce, I remain very convinced that her advice might be THE bottom line. I did not feel that strong urge, and so the rewards of parenting -- which I absolutely see in the parents of wonderful kids in my life, like said college friend's daughter -- did not appeal to me more than the challenges turned me off. If that makes sense.
And man, so much of parenting advice seems to be YOU MUST DO THIS OR YOUR KIDS WILL FLOUNDER, so good on you for bringing up how you buck the "shoulds" and telling us about it :)
Sadye, your college friend's advice feels really right on. I think a lot of us sensitive, introverted, chronically sick and tired folks find ourselves very conflicted about the prospect of parenthood, so then we need to pay extra careful attention to what we actually WANT. "Gung ho is the way to go!"
No problem! Absolutely people should take a considered approach to having children and whether it’s the right path for them. And in your circumstances and explanation that the potential rewards didn’t outweigh the downsides make a lot of sense.
In my case,
There’s a lot of inherent ableism built into modern parenting about what we should do/look like when we parent. Rejecting that narrative has helped me reframe the challenges and made it more affirming and less scary.
That's super reassuring to read, Gillian 🥲 I'm in the early stages of medically assisted procreation with my trans partner and we have so many reasons to want a child and yet are pretty scared of some of the reasons outlined in the article. But we're not in the US either and tbh I think that makes a HUGE difference? Idk, I hope so. The sleep deprivation scares me so much but like, am I not gonna have a child for that reason, idk, it's not horrible enough (although yeah if it lasts 9 years I would probably die or go out and buy cigarettes one day and never return lmao)
Yeah, I think non-US places do offer a bit more of a softer landing cushion for parents (with usually more maternity leave, help with childcare, more public child- friendly places.
Good luck with it!! Sleep deprivation can be hard and for our family, safe co-sleeping (from birth for the second child) made all the difference! But there still is a big element of lack of sleep and people deal with it in different ways, whether that’s shared feeding with formula, protected time to sleep with your partner taking the baby, leaning on a wider community… all of this too is likely easier in non-US spaces where there is not the rush back to work for the birthing parent and often parental leave even if just a few weeks, for the non-birthing parent.
Yes, I think that's a major advantage of not breastfeeding tbh! It's more expensive but it gives equal bonding time with the baby to the parent who can breastfeed and the other one, and saves you at night... Thank you for listing all these other options
Gillian, I came here to say the same. I mark 5 out of 6 on this list, but have 2 kids. One is 19 with developmental disabilities and one is 10 and wants to be an evil genius. lol 2 advice pieces in this particular reply thread are why we survived: be gung ho (if you want it, you want it); and let go of the parenting “shoulds” (nobody follows them, no matter what they say in public). And here’s 4 more that might be helpful to highly sensitive parents: 1- all the hard things are phases that will pass; 2- prioritize the tools to regulate your own emotions (CBT was helpful for me); 3- make time for yourself (breaks, friends, interests); and 4- give in to having fun (kids are way silly and will show you how to be silly too)
Stacy, good calls all around! I really appreciate you and others who have gotten into this comment thread to offer some alternative experiences and perspectives.
In particular, you're so right about the "shoulds." I've actually gone back and changed the title of this piece to better align with your necessary wisdom on this!
I loved this so much and it came into my inbox at the perfect moment. Thank you, Lisa!
I'm also adding to this list: "You are very content and connected in your current partnership (whether it's with a man or not!)."
I am an auntie and a lover of some truly stellar kids and parents in my life. I am also a couples therapist who specializes in supporting people on the journey to and of parenthood, and the research (+ my experience) is just clear - a vast majority of couples experience a significant decrease in relationship satisfaction and significant increase in relationship conflict in years after the transition to parenthood. A lot of that can probably be explained at least in part by the reasons you already wrote about, Lisa (patriarchy, paltry institutional support, and lack of community approaches to raising kids in the US etc.), but it's also just HARD to undergo a massive, sudden, and long-term shift in: your body (if you're carrying a kid), overall identity, career, friendships, relationships with family, how you spend your time, what your priorities are, how much you're sleeping, where your money's going, etc. alongside someone else and NOT have your relationship forever changed by it. It's part of my life's work to support people through this time, so I obviously think it can be worthwhile for people who want to do it, but it's really, really hard.
Oooooh, so intriguing to have a couples' therapist's take on this, HB! This is making me think that you probably have a real parade of cautionary tales coming through your office door, and a sort of self-selecting set of worst case scenarios (because if people's relationships are doing well through early parenthood, they're unlikely to seek out couple's therapy).
But also, among the many parent couples I know, for every couple who actually goes to couples therapy there seem to be several more who want to but can't find the time, or one person wants to go (in cis-het couples, usually the woman) and the other refuses. In other words, even if the sample of people who go to couples therapy is self-selecting for those who are struggling, they seem to be representative of a much larger group of people.
If that makes sense.
For sure, Lisa!! Part of my work definitely involves some cautionary tales, but honestly most of the couples I work with love each other a lot and are deeply committed to each other. I also work with a lot of couples pre-commitment and have been alongside folks as they transition to marriage/long-term partnership and then parenthood. Very few people come to me BECAUSE they’re struggling with parenting (because most of those folks are probably too burnt out to even make couples therapy happen tbh!), so in some ways I highly doubt I’m seeing the worst of the worst by a long shot. I do think I’m seeing a pretty representative cross section of *the people who can find the time/resources for therapy* in my little segment of the country. Overall, it’s my observation that my couples who are parents simply have to work WAY harder to keep their connection alive because there are more variables and potential connection land mines in the mix.
I guess in some ways what brings me to my perspective (beyond just the research that confirms it!) is the fact that I do see a lot of really strong, connected, well-resourced couples in my practice and they’re still not able to avoid these massive shifts in the nature of expectations, quality time, intimacy, energy levels, identity, stress, distractions, frustrations/resentments, sacrifices etc. that have fundamentally changed how they relate to their partner. Many people think that having children is a beautiful way to affirm the relationship they already have with their spouse, and that may be true for some folks, AND I feel like most people should really not count on kids enhancing a partnership without a ton of (admirable and worthy) work, effort, and acceptance that things will be forever different.
Thanks for sharing your perspective, HB! My husband and I are talking about whether we want to have kids and I'm curious what you've seen help preserve or restore relationship satisfaction? Being happy in our current family structure (the two of us and our dog) is one of the reasons we're nervous about having kids, and I'm curious what you've seen work in your practice or if you have any advice for folks in our situation.
This is a great question, Claire. Beyond the obvious privilege things — paid time off! money for childcare! stable housing! — in my experience the couples who navigate the transition best are the ones who:
1). are able to involve their community (friends, grandparents, neighbors, whatever) in their child rearing as quickly as possible. When a couple has 1-5 other adults who they trust, who their child trusts, and who knows the rhythms of the family and can tap in on short (or long) notice for an afternoon or a weekend to do direct childcare or general support (cooking meals, caring for pets, running laundry), the results for the couple are richer and more relieving than any therapy I could offer them. This takes a lot of trust on the part of the parents, and a willingness to step out of the nuclear family bubble, so it can be hard work to let go of control, but the return is gold. You wouldn’t believe how many couples I see who have tons of resources and privilege but are just so lonely with parenthood because they are doing it completely alone outside of the childcare they pay for.
2). do not preemptively fill their evening and weekend schedules and their child’s schedules with enrichment activities that the kid isn’t enthusiastic about. My clients who wait to get their kid into sports, dance, music, etc. until they at least show a passing excitement (and who stay low stakes about it until the kid is super pumped on it) seem way less stressed and have way more flexibility in their schedules to spend free time alone/as a family/taking care of their human needs/traveling/going on dates.
3). still have hobbies and support each other’s hobbies!
4). make time to connect as human beings and check in on how their relationship is going OUTSIDE of the utilitarian functions of it. These conversations are more “Have I made sure you know you’re special lately?” and “I wanted to tell you I really admire how you…” and less “Here’s what I need you to pick up at the store, do for the kids, with the house, etc” (though obviously those conversations need to happen too).
I’m sure there’s a lot more, but these are the things that came to mind instantly when I read your comment. Again, this is just based on my experience so I don’t have big studies to back it up lol but it’s true to my witness of things!
Hi, HB!
Wow, thank you for this detailed and insightful comment. I sent your thoughts over to my husband and we are both so grateful for you openly sharing your experience and what you've witnessed.
I wish the obvious things were a given for all families and these other ideas are great!
Re #1: As an aspiring auntie, I've noticed some very dear friends have struggled to step out of the nuclear family bubble even though they know and trust me (I started babysitting when I was 13 years old and now somehow spend less time with peoples' kids than 20 years ago lol). I'm sure it's easier said than done, but I do feel strongly that if my husband and I have kids, I would like to involve my community beyond my family and/or paid childcare.
Your point about hobbies is so important, too—my husband and I both have quite a few hobbies (some shared, mostly separate) and they're a big contributor to the richness of our lives. I struggle with how hobbies can be treated as frivolous or are often the first thing to go when life gets busy. My hobbies "fill my cup" and are often what I experience most deeply as quality time with myself, and my ideal life with kids still makes space for them in some way.
My husband and I have been practicing the Gottman "state of the union" every couple weeks and it's been a nice way to connect and give each other feedback. I've noticed even without kids, it's easy to fall into the utilitarian or roommate style way of relating to each other with all the business of day-to-day life, and I'm hopeful building some of these skills now will lay the groundwork for if/when we bring kids into our family (and if not, it's still a helpful practice I've recommended to friends!).
Thank you for your encouragement and thoughtful reflections! The couples you work with are lucky to have you on their team :)
Are you inside my brain? Watching a live camera feed of my life with two elementary-aged kids? Lisa, your descriptions of the sleep challenges and the morning struggles and the baby stage and the mental load are SPOT ON, which indicates to me that you've really been closely watching and listening and helping the parents in your life. I feel deeply triggered and also validated.
I checked 4 out of 6. I'm glad I'm a parent because I desperately wanted to be a mother, and I suspect I would have felt that longing my whole life had I not had the opportunity to become a parent. And yet, parenting has largely not been joyful for me, at least yet (even though I love my children fiercely). I'd descibe it as a two-decade-long trek up a brutal mountain. I feel proud to be climbing the mountain. It's a worthwhile endeavor. But it's not a good time. And I would never tell anyone that they absolutely need to spend twenty years trudging up the mountain in order to have a full or meaningful life.
Jeannie, your experience is so important for prospective parents to hear. I know so many people, especially women, who need to hear the full range of ways these things play out. Having kids IS such a huge blessing -- I don't know any parent who doesn't love their kids like crazy -- AND it may or may not be joyful.
I am so grateful to have found the Auntie Bulletin at this stage of life. <3
My husband and I don't have kids (not entirely by choice -- mysterious infertility!), but I can look at this list and go yeahhhhh we check off like 4 or 5 of these easily. There's grief as we age, sure, but there's also the joy of three very cute great-nephews and a lot of friends having kids. not gonna lie, it was kind of fun to celebrate all the moms at our church and in our family on Mother's Day and then play video games in my quiet house. 😅
And! Hyped for the upcoming book list because I've been thinking I need some cool picture books for the nephews!
"Not gonna lie, it was kind of fun to celebrate all the moms at our church and in our family on Mother's Day and then play video games in my quiet house."
I feel like is the small quiet voice that I listened to, and I do not regret it!
I'm in a volunteer group powered almost exclusively by mothers who even have living mothers in our city -- many (but not all) years I find it to be a great privilege to take on volunteer duties on Mother's Day weekend since my mother often has a burdensome workload at her full-time job that weekend. This year, I was visiting a friend, but I did deliver baked/iced cakes with gel frosting to two special sets of kids in my life so that THEY could celebrate their moms!
YESSSSS, Sadye! This is such a good example of how Aunties build everyone's capacity! Mothers are simply streched thinner than we are, so we may be available to fill the gaps in organizing and activism when the parents need to be elsewhere.
Just popping in to say I also function poorly on less than 9 hours of sleep a night. Thanks for destigmatizing us #longsleepers
MP, right?? It is so stigmatized! I have, like, deep shame. I truly almost didn't publish it.
And then I realized that, for every person who clicks 6 out of 6 on the survey, that's ANOTHER LONG SLEEPER! We are not alone! Hallelujah!
I feel like part of me does fantasize about having children. BUT my life being childfree is so nice. I really like not having major demands on my life and space besides work. I don’t know parents juggle everything and remain grounded. Parenting is a lifelong job.
The longer I enjoyed life without kids, the more I didn't want to give it up. I think the wait helped me gradually realize that I expected I would have kids because that's what people seemed to do (this despite being raised in a liberal household with a passionately pro-choice mother!), versus that I actively wanted to have kids.
I totally relate to what you’re saying. The day-to-day demands of parenting would make me so miserable. I am in constant interaction with people for work (which is fine), but I need my alone time at home or else, lol.
"I need my alone time at home or else." AMEN.
I've mentioned my friend A in sooo many comments here, as she has always been very honest about the realities of having a kid, and here's another one -- like in Lisa's post, she mentioned how your body isn't your own for YEARS, completely independent of breastfeeding, because of how touchy kids are. I was in line somewhere once, forget the circumstances, and I watched a kid (maybe 6ish?) just constantly grabbing at and maybe also being touched by the mother, and that is just not the way I feel about physical contact, to the point where I asked my sister "surely we didn't do that with our mom, right?" (she's fairly physically standoffish as well) because I felt so confused by it all.
For me, it was my mouth. I can’t believe how little me would just talk back to my parents all the time. It was relentless.
I honestly love kids' sass. That said, it is sooo much easier to deal with in smaller doses!
Amanda Montei has a whole book about this, Touched Out, which I've heard is really good!
As someone who was avowed child-free4lyfe (...until I wasn't), I think this post is great food for thought!
On one hand, I -- like some other commenters-- hit 4.5 of these [partner is a GAY man, ahem], and am still glad I chose to become a parent. I do not regret the choice, despite being a 9/10 hour sleeper introvert who LOVES quiet and tidy. (Personally I think #5&6 should be "weighted" higher than the others, but that's me)
Given that some other commenters have already weighed in from that perspective, I wanted to offer from the auntie side -- despite the mental/physical/financial tolls of choosing childrearing (especially in a hostile economic/housing situation in the US versus other wealthy nations) -- choosing NOT to have a child is STILL the more taboo route. I've been on both sides, and this is just....true.
This may change as more and more millennials/Gen z are choosing not to parent. But having experienced both sides of the coin, the social stigmas around being a single & childfree woman are still acute, and I felt them greatly. I feel very protective of women making what I feel is still a societally brave choice in a world where the #1 most lauded and celebrated thing you can do is to have a child. Until that's not true, it will still be a harder choice (and one you are forced to defend forever) to NOT be a mother.
Amrita, thank you so much for this beautiful and thoughtful comment! I feel like you’ve got a newsletter post of your own here! ❤️
I have 5 of the 6 and could relate to every item you shared. When I was about 16 years old I had a strong sense that I would never be a parent to my own biological children. I didn’t realize until I was ~30 that I have ADHD, but I always suspected I would struggle with parenthood. Thank goodness Planned Parenthood was there for me when I had an accidental pregnancy at age 28 (while married but terrified of being a parent).
I’m deeply grateful to those that take on the extraordinary challenge of parenting, and also happy to contribute what I can as an Auntie.
Capitalism and individualism make it hard for all of us, not just parents to survive and thrive in this world. I keep hoping that more and more people will wake up to this, and I’m seeing signs that this is happening.
In the meantime, thanks for expressing how some of us made this deliberate choice, for our own sanity and for the collective good. 💗
Well said, Cristy! "I’m deeply grateful to those that take on the extraordinary challenge of parenting, and also happy to contribute what I can as an Auntie." Me too!
💕💕💕 what a thoughtful piece
Lisa, I literally LOL'ed several times during this, but I also know you're dead serious. I wish you could meet the healthcare worker (I think she's a physician assistant but can't remember) who asked me during an IUD consult if I'd asked my husband if he wanted to be pregnant. Because her tone was 100% yours in this post. She was being both funny and serious. I took her advice and asked him and didn't let him just laugh it off; he did concede that no, he would not want to be pregnant. No shade on anyone who does want to be, but my god, what a thing to *force* on another human being.
Last night I discovered that two friends of my husband's (they're in my social circle too I guess but they're really more casual acquaintances at this point) both had gone to a particular bike group that does hours-long rides on weeknights in rural parts of our metro area. Z has a 3-month-old at home. S has a 5-year-old and a 5-month-old at home. Again I told my husband, geez, I thought that a kind response to Z's long-ago comment of "don't you think your husband would be a good dad?" would have been, "oh, yeah, but then he can go on the long bike rides he loves," but I see that the only person who actually gets free by not having kids is the ciswoman in a hetero relationship. Husband kinda smirked but didn't really say much. My sister points out, accurately, that husband had no actual rebuttal to this.
And I really have to say, my sister and I reflect frequently on how much our parents did NOT reflect the gender stereotyping, which is impressive since we were both born in the late 1980s. Like you said, Lisa, I look at cis-het couples I know whose kids are under 10 and almost never see that equality from the outside.
OH MAN WE SHOULD ASK EVERY PROSPECTIVE DAD IF HE WANTS TO BE PREGNANT! Also give birth, breastfeed, be the primary caretaker, and carry 95% of the mental load.
And oh my gosh this bike group example is straight up INFURIATING. And I bet so many of us can think of examples like this. I know a dad who went to a four-day out-of-state bachelor party when his baby was two weeks old. Once you understand what moms are up against in this phase of life, it feels unconscionable.
Also: keep reminding us of the "when the baby cries, pass it to the dad." I probably won't ever hold the babies I mentioned above, but I want the groundwork in place for if I do.
HECK YES!!
I saw that provider again a few weeks ago and told her how valuable the "have you asked your male partner if he wants to be pregnant" prompt was, and she seemed very pleased. Hopefully it's the start of a whole movement amongst those of us who can become pregnant :)
Thank you. More people need to know this. And make an informed choice about kids. I tick several boxes on this list and I live with kids and am constantly exhausted and have no space for what nourishes me. Hopefully these 6 points expands beyond here into books and podcasts and a broader discussion
Books and podcasts and a broader discussion -- may it be so!
I always knew I was skipping children anyway, and I'm finally almost at the point where I'm home free (yay menopause!) but this is a nicely affirming list. I have zero objections to people having kids, but please, I have already decided I don't want them, stop bugging me about it.
I even had someone go so far as to say, "Well, even if you don't think you want them, you should have at least one anyway." Which seems like the worst advice ever - there's a world of difference between an unplanned child and an unwanted child, and I can't imagine why anyone would do that to a kid. Knowing you're not wanted feels like shit.
“Even if you think you don’t want them, you should have one anyway”??? Are you kidding me? That is such terrible advice. I want to live in a world where no one ever gives advice like that, or listens to it.
I bit my tongue and didn't say, “this is why CPS exists,” but I really wish I had said it.
I disagree with these as reasons to choose to not be a parent- at the same time I agree that our society does not tell you how hard it can be either. Yes, it is hard having kids and yes sometimes it is better to choose not to have kids. But these factors you list are not the reasons IMO (and I speak as an introvert who did get overdosed lol)
Been in the trying and failing to have kids situation (it s@cks) and sorry to say this sounds to me more like trying to convince yourself it is ok to not have kids( which it definitely is, just not these reasons). Been there, done that, sending hugs.
Lael, I'm curious -- what's your experience been? What *are* the reasons you gesture to?
Lisa, Reasons to not have kids range the gamut, from:
I just don't want any
I like kids but I don't feel a strong pull one way or the other
Financially I don't feel ready to have kids
I can't take the monthly pain of trying and failing anymore
The mental and/or physical pain from the miscarriages is too much
I'm not willing to take fertility drugs because <multitude of reasons>
I can't afford to do IVF (or any more IVF) or take the failure of another IVF
I tried to adopt and no one chose me/had to give the baby back
+ many many more
FWIW, I hit quite a few of the reasons I listed above on my journey, took some breaks and each time ended up deciding to try again, and yet I know it was still only luck in the end (adopted 2 kids as babies in my early 40's after a failed adoption).
Some I know stopped earlier on the same path. Some much earlier. Some tried even more than me but never had success. And of course everyone tells you every success story on the way -- no one needs to hear any of those I'm sure. The thing is each person has to make their own decision on when/if to stop trying for themselves. Its hard I know, sending hugs to anyone on that path right now.
Lael, I am SO sorry to hear about your failed adoption. What a catastrophe. My partner and I got most of the way toward joining a prospective adoptive parents' pool (all we had left to do was make our book and write our letter to the birth parents) before we decided not to parent. We'd been in a waiting adoptive parents' support group for months, though, and heard/saw several such stories unfold in real time. It's one of the most heartbreaking experiences I can imagine.
And I am so happy for you that you were able to finally adopt!
As for convincing ourselves it is okay not to have kids -- I want to unpack that a little. In my own experience (and you're right, I probably overgeneralized too much in this article to suggest that others' would be similar), I first decided not to parent and then came to realize afterward how grateful I was not to have to navigate sensitivity, introversion, chronic illness, marriage to a man, etc., as a parent, given my limitations. I am filled with gratitude that I'm not a parent and am an Auntie instead, and (based on people's comments and messages to me) I believe that's the case for a lot of Aunties. I do know a lot of people who decided not to parent for these reasons and are very glad they did so -- including many folks who commented on this post.
I guess the takeaway is none of us can speak for each other! We all have our reasons for the decisions we make, and they vary widely. I will definitely be bearing this in mind with The Auntie Bulletin going forward.
Lisa, I think we agree that there are a lot of costs (physical/mental/financial) involved in raising kids and each persons decision to either have or not have kids includes considerations of those costs. And also no matter at what point anyone decides to not have kids, their choice is their own and not for anyone else to comment on.
realized failed adoption might be unclear -- mother requested baby back before adoption was finalized -- felt like it was going to kill me at the time
I get you're trying to provide a different perspective, but I think the comment about disability and chronic illness is insensitive.
I'm probably taking it personally, but it feels particularly cruel as someone who has endometriosis. I'd already have to go through a lot to have children, being told that I should consider not having them at all due to my health is upsetting.
Many things are more difficult for me, but I find ways to make life easier and better in spite of being ill. I would sure as hell fight to make sure that my future kids weren't impacted by it and I'm sure many people feel the same.
There's a long history of disabled people in particular being told they shouldn't be parents, I would ask you to please be a little more considerate of that.
Katie, thanks for the call-in on this. You're not the only reader who has commented with this perspective, and you are right that I needed to rethink my framing on the chronic illness and disability piece in particular.
On the strength of your and others' wise feedback, I've made some updates to the post (namely in the introductory part and the part about chronic illness and disability). I've also added Jessica Slice's book and Rebekah Tausig's newsletter as suggested reads -- both are disabled mothers writing right now with invaluable wisdom and insight about parenting with disability.
I appreciate that, I hadn't noticed your updated section so I apologise for adding to the discussion without checking that first.
I think you commented first, and then I updated!
Pitiful really. Hopeless, narrow minded, and Selfish, to say the least. Really just plain wrong on virtually every front. And totally bereft of vision of any kind. You’re clearly talking to the wrong people as your sources. The fact is that parenthood would reverse many of your small-minded, lazy assumptions — especially regarding your capacity as a human to love. But then again, if that’s the type of people you hang out with…
If you truly think this person is “hopeless, narrow minded and selfish” then if anything would’t you applaud the self-awareness in choosing not to parent? Many people choose not to parent not because they don’t care about children, but because they care about them very much and are very aware of what’s required to give them a wonderful life, and are wise enough to know that they can’t or won’t provide that life. I am always confused when people comment things like this to child-free women but then still think the solution is to have children—as if having children you don’t want and know you aren’t prepared for is some kind of forcible “cure”. In fact we have endless examples of parents who probably shouldn’t have had children and did anyways—and rarely if ever do the parents in question snap into being an exemplary parent and loving every minute. Instead everyone is unhappy. I think its clear from your comment that what you actually want is to punish women who dared to choose differently than what you see as their predetermined role—which reveals that you do actually understand that being forced to raise an unwanted child is in fact a punitive life sentence for all involved.
Well said, M Liz! I somehow missed the comment you replied to and I appreciate your response to it. ❤️
The disabilities and illness part is not just upsetting it’s honestly shocking to read and your writers note clearly doesn’t understand why it’s shockingly ableist thing to say an reinforces so many internalized able bodied ideas of what’s parenthood should look like. Please read Unfit Parent by Jessica Slice or maybe more disability perspectives. I really hope you take some responsibility for what this does when someone reads that even including your note
Hi Andy. I have read Unfit Parent and I myself have a disability. My argument in this essay is not about whether people with disabilities are ABLE to parent. We absolutely are, and do so well, as Slice’s book so beautifully demonstrates. The question I’m raising here is whether all of us WANT to. I personally do not, and I know a lot of other disabled people who also do not want to be parents. People, especially women, who are trying to decide whether or not to have children need to have all the information they can, including reasons why people with chronic illnesses and disabilities might want to opt out. Although opting in is also a good choice!