Reading this felt like resting in a safe, sturdy place. As a new mom — well, six months in, but some days it still feels brand new — I can say unequivocally that the newly-minted Aunties in my life made all the difference during a very, very scary and bleak few months postpartum. I’m one of the first in our circle to have a baby, and while I have large memory gaps from those sleepless days, I can remember every meal, every hug, every supportive text, every “I’m at Costco, need any diapers or pizza?” call.
One thing I reflect on now: many of my friends deferred to me to invite them over, wanting to give me space with my new baby. I have done that for new parents, too. I think for someone else, that may have been a good boundary, but for me, I would much rather have had someone text “Do you need any company [today/during the witching hour/in the mornings]?” I found myself really craving a close friend’s presence, and would rather have declined the offer if I needed to instead of having to reach out. I’ll keep that in mind for future postpartum pals.
Thank you for putting this together; thank you all for being part of the village wherever you are. Thank goodness for thoughtful Aunties.
Catherine, I think this is such a good point about the importance of being proactive in reaching out to friends with new babies. It's hard to ask for help, or even know what you need, when you're navigating the biggest change of your life! Especially if you're super sleep-deprived and your body may be in major recovery mode.
As a mom of a 3-year-old and a 5-month-old, I felt this!
I remember a friend coming by with fresh cut-up fruit for me and then she proceeded to clean the kitchen. And another who hung out with my preschooler and made him feel great. And parents who drove in to stay with us when my partner had to travel for work.
I also think that I didn’t fully get it until I had kids, so I can understand why not all friends come through like this. I hope this reaches many people!
Parenting can feel totally fine one minute and overwhelming the next — it’s so important to have people in your corner. Even today I find the hardest moments are when I’m sick — taking care of kids while you need to rest is beyond hard and that’s when I feel the most isolated.
This is a good reminder to me to offer to take the kids when my friends are sick, Lo! I often sort of assume that they just need to hermit up while they're sick, and the best I can do is stop by the drugstore for them, but OF COURSE actually getting their kids out of the house would be way more helpful. I can't believe I haven't explicitly thought of this!
This is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read, word for word. Thank you for bringing it to life!
While I’ve scoured the internet endlessly during my postpartum days and beyond to help me figure out what was wrong, what was needed, ALL the things, I can tell you that there truly isn’t anything else like this I’ve found. So any doubts be damned! I hope this makes it to as many Aunties, new parents, grandparents, parents, policymakers, (everyone) as humanly possible. I will share widely, with gusto.
Gosh, Katherine, what a high compliment! Thank you so much! I can really feel in my body and heart how this post landed with you, and I am so, so glad.
I just wish you'd been able to access something like this when you needed it most!
Thank you for reading and sharing. You are so appreciated!
“Children have the right to be raised in a spirit of understanding, tolerance, and peace “ UN Child Rights 1959
Your post caused me to look up the United Nations Child Rights( several iterations) that began being formed after WWII. Much of what you share, Lisa, responds in detail to these rights( there are more). What you are advocating is the right to renew culture that supports healthy human development! Bravo!
I used to post the UN Child Rights on a bulletin board in my classroom. Many discussions about rights referred to these when we talked about “ forced migrations” , racism, inequities, compassion, basic human rights, etc. these discussions were led by or initiated by by 9-11 year olds especially when talking about their kindergarten buddies. It’s refreshing right now to address the many ways to acknowledge the values that support a community honoring child development ! Thank you for keeping this discussion fresh with your ideas.
Kayleen, I love the connection you're making to the Declaration of the Rights of the Child. It hadn't even occurred to me to explicitly connect them, but of course this could not be more relevant. This is making me think it could be a really great Auntie Bulletin post -- looking at the Rights of the Child and then thinking about where Aunties have levers....
As an Auntie who will have friends with first babies in their lives in less than a year, this list is helpful but overwhelming.
It feels like there’s a lot of unspoken nuance to how you show up for new families and I just don’t think I’ll be able to get it all right out of the gate, especially not having a lot of experience with children myself.
I’m afraid I’ll make some unknown-to-me misstep and damage the relationship with the new parents irreparably. Is it normal (or even fair) of me to feel this way? Obviously the family with the new child is going through eons more change so it feels silly to me that I feel like I won’t get it right in an objectively lower stakes capacity.
Thank you for this comment, Megan! This is a really great point and it makes me think I wish I'd acknowledged up front that this list could be overwhelming. How about this for a short version: Bring food, leave the house cleaner than you found it, and keep things as simple and streamlined as possible for new parents. Just bearing these three tasks in mind will get you far!
Oh, AND you have a right to every feeling that you feel! You can chat with your friends ahead of the baby about what they want and how you can support when they arrive, and it's okay for you to tell them that you're worried they won't get it right. Maybe you can figure out what "getting it right" would feel like together.
Just be ready to pivot a bit if they change their mind a bit once the baby actually arrives.
The main way to damage the relationship is to be demanding or judgmental. If you can avoid those your relationship should be just fine.
Thank you for writing this! I’ve just spent two years writing a mother-focused book on postpartum and it was really hard to write a hopeful book. Of course, the solution to all the problems that arise in postpartum is ‘support’. One of the most beautiful quotes I came across, that was featured in a review that later informed the WHO recommendations for a ‘positive postpartum’ was this: “It takes a village to raise a child, and a community to raise a mother”. Ooft! x
Wow, Jodi, I can perceive immediately how writing a book about parents' postpartum needs could be rough on the heart. There is so much unmet need, and so many problems that arise simply from the motive of profit over people. Thank you for doing this work!
Thank you for the reminder re: a couple months down the road - I missed out on the meal train for a longtime family friend who welcomed a new baby a couple months ago, and I said to myself then that I should follow up in February and bring them a meal/meet the baby at that point. On it!
I work with new parents as a postpartum doula and CLC, and I hear SO often, “I was a shitty friend to my friends who had kids before me, and I didn’t realize it until I had my baby.” Explicit guides like yours help - we don’t know what we don’t know, but a person doesn’t have to be a parent to learn how to show up in community. Absolutely loved this and will be sharing it!
Occasionally a mom/dad gets lucky and wins the lottery of neighbors or friends who show up generously and bravely with support. On the other hand - it’s on each of us to show up in the ways we can for others. AND - the most likely way to get lucky is to be that person showing up for others and then they’re more likely to show up for you.
This is beautifull Lisa, often listening to elders in communities passionate about community structure, a more connected way of life, recently First peoples of America, the Northern Continent, previously similar with the Southern part of the Americas. I cannot stress enough how unique the culture is here in terms of modern isolation, connection that heals and nourishes sold down the river so to speak for a promise of convenience, sexy productivity to replace the power of breathing together as one collective intentional with higher aspirations than what can I have-Instacart, Social media, all or else. I thank you and the many who contributed to your article that are going against that stream to return authority where it belongs as instilled in each one of our human beings, vs. doings. zi thank you for your spirit.
Thank you Alanna! "Unique" strikes me as such an apt word -- the mainstream way of doing things in the United States and many parts of the world is not only harmful but also sort of unprecedented. It actually helps me to think of it as a historic blip -- the way we're doing things now looms large in our awareness because it's all that we know, but it's also not really been around very long and maybe it won't last very long either, in the grand scheme of things. May it be so!
I'm an Auntie and I've *never* read anything remotely as helpful for friends/community members of new parents. Thank you so much for writing it. I'll keep it close at hand.
I just wanted to say how much I appreciate all your work and labour (Australian spelling!) on this post and all your posts. I have arrived at dedicated and passionate Auntiehood by choice (but not without grief - chronic illness and relentless neurodivergent burnout were significant factors in that choice). That said, I have a great deal of nurturing and mentoring energy that needs to go somewhere.
I tell people who ask if I will have kids that I will not, but that I am committed to being a safe, consistent and loving adult for various friends' children. My consistent and intentional effort to build strong friendships/relationships with kids are paying off in countless small and joyful ways - last week I got a spontaneous hug from a kid who is emphatically not a hugger, a special nickname based on an in-joke with a kid, a long message from a friend thanking me for being so calm and relaxed as she guided her autistic kiddo through a meltdown, and a voice memo from an 8 year old saying that I am her favourite of her mum's friends and that I am her friend and her dog's friend too, and she misses me and hopes to see me soon, and feedback that the craft and games I bought a kid for Christmas have been travelling everywhere with her for a whole month <3
It is so special to have found a community of people here who feel just the same and who can provide practical ways to build these connections and communicate effectively with parents and kids about what we all want and need from each other. I don't have anyone else in my life who is following the same path, but I am lucky to have friends who dearly want to parent in community. I think the intention is there for many people - particularly in the queer-and-activisty leaning circles many of my friends come from - but often there is a lack of understanding of how to actually talk about and BUILD these practices when they can be counter-cultural. So, thank you. Really.
Recently a close friend in her mid-lateish thirties, who had been committed to being childfree by choice, told me she is pregnant and it was planned! This was a huge and surprising perspective shift. One thing that brought it about is that she has come to a place in her life where she can foresee becoming a parent without being swallowed whole by motherhood, and that she has models in her life where people parent in community and not inside the locked tower of the nuclear family.
I will be honest and say I have some anticipatory grief and fear about losing the intimacy we have once her daughter arrives. This happened with some friends despite my best efforts to be there for them in whatever ways they need, while they continue to have regular contact with other suburban friends who also have small kids. There is no love lost in these friendships, but we catch up every few months to talk about 'what we have been up to', rather than living life alongside each other. But I am also hopeful and so, so excited to meet and love my friend's daughter.
This friend and I have talked about what parenting in community could look like, practically speaking, and she said she is concerned she might not know what kind of help to ask for. I sent her and her partner the New Baby Bill of Rights as a "seed to start germinating" as the baby continues to grow. They were very grateful and it has already been some very useful scaffolding for us to start building our conversations around.
I can understand the view that it is a bit overwhelming to have so many conflicting perspectives about what people with new babies might need, but for us the range of options has been a really useful 'menu' to start considering.
You have a devoted and grateful subscriber here :)
Thank you so much for this lovely and thoughtful comment, Sarah! It made my day when I read it, but I'm only replying now because I've been on vacation/sick, and I wanted to be able to give it my full attention.
I love this: "Last week I got a spontaneous hug from a kid who is emphatically not a hugger, a special nickname based on an in-joke with a kid, a long message from a friend thanking me for being so calm and relaxed as she guided her autistic kiddo through a meltdown, and a voice memo from an 8 year old saying that I am her favourite of her mum's friends and that I am her friend and her dog's friend too, and she misses me and hopes to see me soon, and feedback that the craft and games I bought a kid for Christmas have been travelling everywhere with her for a whole month <3." You are a true super turbo mega Auntie!
When thinking about the potential loss that can come when a childless friend has a baby, I am now always thinking about what Ann Friedman said about this when I interviewed her recently. She said:
"There are lots and lots of different things that can challenge a friendship and really mess with how much time you have to devote to it. A Big Friendship, as we define it, is expansive enough to go through periods where one person is – well, maybe not fully checked out, but less able to give time or attention to the friendship. But that cannot last indefinitely; it cannot last 18 years while you're parenting. Maybe it lasts while your child's an infant, or maybe it lasts while one friend is going through a difficult period at their job or moving to a new place.
There are a lot of big events that can disrupt a life. You have to hold that the friendship will change. Not everyone's time to devote to it is going to remain the same. But it can't remain lopsided forever, either, and still be a good friendship. I have been the one to have grace for friends and also I've needed that grace from friends – not just when having a child, but with lots of different things in life. Weirdly, I feel even more evangelical now about continuing to show up for friendship, even through the periods where one of you, or maybe both of you, feels they can't find the time."
Reading this felt like resting in a safe, sturdy place. As a new mom — well, six months in, but some days it still feels brand new — I can say unequivocally that the newly-minted Aunties in my life made all the difference during a very, very scary and bleak few months postpartum. I’m one of the first in our circle to have a baby, and while I have large memory gaps from those sleepless days, I can remember every meal, every hug, every supportive text, every “I’m at Costco, need any diapers or pizza?” call.
One thing I reflect on now: many of my friends deferred to me to invite them over, wanting to give me space with my new baby. I have done that for new parents, too. I think for someone else, that may have been a good boundary, but for me, I would much rather have had someone text “Do you need any company [today/during the witching hour/in the mornings]?” I found myself really craving a close friend’s presence, and would rather have declined the offer if I needed to instead of having to reach out. I’ll keep that in mind for future postpartum pals.
Thank you for putting this together; thank you all for being part of the village wherever you are. Thank goodness for thoughtful Aunties.
Catherine, I think this is such a good point about the importance of being proactive in reaching out to friends with new babies. It's hard to ask for help, or even know what you need, when you're navigating the biggest change of your life! Especially if you're super sleep-deprived and your body may be in major recovery mode.
As a mom of a 3-year-old and a 5-month-old, I felt this!
I remember a friend coming by with fresh cut-up fruit for me and then she proceeded to clean the kitchen. And another who hung out with my preschooler and made him feel great. And parents who drove in to stay with us when my partner had to travel for work.
I also think that I didn’t fully get it until I had kids, so I can understand why not all friends come through like this. I hope this reaches many people!
Parenting can feel totally fine one minute and overwhelming the next — it’s so important to have people in your corner. Even today I find the hardest moments are when I’m sick — taking care of kids while you need to rest is beyond hard and that’s when I feel the most isolated.
This is a good reminder to me to offer to take the kids when my friends are sick, Lo! I often sort of assume that they just need to hermit up while they're sick, and the best I can do is stop by the drugstore for them, but OF COURSE actually getting their kids out of the house would be way more helpful. I can't believe I haven't explicitly thought of this!
This is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read, word for word. Thank you for bringing it to life!
While I’ve scoured the internet endlessly during my postpartum days and beyond to help me figure out what was wrong, what was needed, ALL the things, I can tell you that there truly isn’t anything else like this I’ve found. So any doubts be damned! I hope this makes it to as many Aunties, new parents, grandparents, parents, policymakers, (everyone) as humanly possible. I will share widely, with gusto.
Gosh, Katherine, what a high compliment! Thank you so much! I can really feel in my body and heart how this post landed with you, and I am so, so glad.
I just wish you'd been able to access something like this when you needed it most!
Thank you for reading and sharing. You are so appreciated!
“Children have the right to be raised in a spirit of understanding, tolerance, and peace “ UN Child Rights 1959
Your post caused me to look up the United Nations Child Rights( several iterations) that began being formed after WWII. Much of what you share, Lisa, responds in detail to these rights( there are more). What you are advocating is the right to renew culture that supports healthy human development! Bravo!
I used to post the UN Child Rights on a bulletin board in my classroom. Many discussions about rights referred to these when we talked about “ forced migrations” , racism, inequities, compassion, basic human rights, etc. these discussions were led by or initiated by by 9-11 year olds especially when talking about their kindergarten buddies. It’s refreshing right now to address the many ways to acknowledge the values that support a community honoring child development ! Thank you for keeping this discussion fresh with your ideas.
Kayleen, I love the connection you're making to the Declaration of the Rights of the Child. It hadn't even occurred to me to explicitly connect them, but of course this could not be more relevant. This is making me think it could be a really great Auntie Bulletin post -- looking at the Rights of the Child and then thinking about where Aunties have levers....
Love this connection!
As an Auntie who will have friends with first babies in their lives in less than a year, this list is helpful but overwhelming.
It feels like there’s a lot of unspoken nuance to how you show up for new families and I just don’t think I’ll be able to get it all right out of the gate, especially not having a lot of experience with children myself.
I’m afraid I’ll make some unknown-to-me misstep and damage the relationship with the new parents irreparably. Is it normal (or even fair) of me to feel this way? Obviously the family with the new child is going through eons more change so it feels silly to me that I feel like I won’t get it right in an objectively lower stakes capacity.
Thank you for this comment, Megan! This is a really great point and it makes me think I wish I'd acknowledged up front that this list could be overwhelming. How about this for a short version: Bring food, leave the house cleaner than you found it, and keep things as simple and streamlined as possible for new parents. Just bearing these three tasks in mind will get you far!
Oh, AND you have a right to every feeling that you feel! You can chat with your friends ahead of the baby about what they want and how you can support when they arrive, and it's okay for you to tell them that you're worried they won't get it right. Maybe you can figure out what "getting it right" would feel like together.
Just be ready to pivot a bit if they change their mind a bit once the baby actually arrives.
The main way to damage the relationship is to be demanding or judgmental. If you can avoid those your relationship should be just fine.
I'm excited for you!
Thank you for writing this! I’ve just spent two years writing a mother-focused book on postpartum and it was really hard to write a hopeful book. Of course, the solution to all the problems that arise in postpartum is ‘support’. One of the most beautiful quotes I came across, that was featured in a review that later informed the WHO recommendations for a ‘positive postpartum’ was this: “It takes a village to raise a child, and a community to raise a mother”. Ooft! x
Wow, Jodi, I can perceive immediately how writing a book about parents' postpartum needs could be rough on the heart. There is so much unmet need, and so many problems that arise simply from the motive of profit over people. Thank you for doing this work!
Thank you for the reminder re: a couple months down the road - I missed out on the meal train for a longtime family friend who welcomed a new baby a couple months ago, and I said to myself then that I should follow up in February and bring them a meal/meet the baby at that point. On it!
It's a good reminder to myself, as well!
I work with new parents as a postpartum doula and CLC, and I hear SO often, “I was a shitty friend to my friends who had kids before me, and I didn’t realize it until I had my baby.” Explicit guides like yours help - we don’t know what we don’t know, but a person doesn’t have to be a parent to learn how to show up in community. Absolutely loved this and will be sharing it!
Thank you Candy! I hear the same thing all the time too!
Occasionally a mom/dad gets lucky and wins the lottery of neighbors or friends who show up generously and bravely with support. On the other hand - it’s on each of us to show up in the ways we can for others. AND - the most likely way to get lucky is to be that person showing up for others and then they’re more likely to show up for you.
This was amazing!! Thank you so much for writing it!! 💕
Thank you for reading it, Krista! :)
This is beautifull Lisa, often listening to elders in communities passionate about community structure, a more connected way of life, recently First peoples of America, the Northern Continent, previously similar with the Southern part of the Americas. I cannot stress enough how unique the culture is here in terms of modern isolation, connection that heals and nourishes sold down the river so to speak for a promise of convenience, sexy productivity to replace the power of breathing together as one collective intentional with higher aspirations than what can I have-Instacart, Social media, all or else. I thank you and the many who contributed to your article that are going against that stream to return authority where it belongs as instilled in each one of our human beings, vs. doings. zi thank you for your spirit.
-In support and peaceful hope and appreciation,
Alanna🕯
Thank you Alanna! "Unique" strikes me as such an apt word -- the mainstream way of doing things in the United States and many parts of the world is not only harmful but also sort of unprecedented. It actually helps me to think of it as a historic blip -- the way we're doing things now looms large in our awareness because it's all that we know, but it's also not really been around very long and maybe it won't last very long either, in the grand scheme of things. May it be so!
I'm an Auntie and I've *never* read anything remotely as helpful for friends/community members of new parents. Thank you so much for writing it. I'll keep it close at hand.
Thank you so much for reading, Bruno! I'm glad you're here. :)
I just wanted to say how much I appreciate all your work and labour (Australian spelling!) on this post and all your posts. I have arrived at dedicated and passionate Auntiehood by choice (but not without grief - chronic illness and relentless neurodivergent burnout were significant factors in that choice). That said, I have a great deal of nurturing and mentoring energy that needs to go somewhere.
I tell people who ask if I will have kids that I will not, but that I am committed to being a safe, consistent and loving adult for various friends' children. My consistent and intentional effort to build strong friendships/relationships with kids are paying off in countless small and joyful ways - last week I got a spontaneous hug from a kid who is emphatically not a hugger, a special nickname based on an in-joke with a kid, a long message from a friend thanking me for being so calm and relaxed as she guided her autistic kiddo through a meltdown, and a voice memo from an 8 year old saying that I am her favourite of her mum's friends and that I am her friend and her dog's friend too, and she misses me and hopes to see me soon, and feedback that the craft and games I bought a kid for Christmas have been travelling everywhere with her for a whole month <3
It is so special to have found a community of people here who feel just the same and who can provide practical ways to build these connections and communicate effectively with parents and kids about what we all want and need from each other. I don't have anyone else in my life who is following the same path, but I am lucky to have friends who dearly want to parent in community. I think the intention is there for many people - particularly in the queer-and-activisty leaning circles many of my friends come from - but often there is a lack of understanding of how to actually talk about and BUILD these practices when they can be counter-cultural. So, thank you. Really.
Recently a close friend in her mid-lateish thirties, who had been committed to being childfree by choice, told me she is pregnant and it was planned! This was a huge and surprising perspective shift. One thing that brought it about is that she has come to a place in her life where she can foresee becoming a parent without being swallowed whole by motherhood, and that she has models in her life where people parent in community and not inside the locked tower of the nuclear family.
I will be honest and say I have some anticipatory grief and fear about losing the intimacy we have once her daughter arrives. This happened with some friends despite my best efforts to be there for them in whatever ways they need, while they continue to have regular contact with other suburban friends who also have small kids. There is no love lost in these friendships, but we catch up every few months to talk about 'what we have been up to', rather than living life alongside each other. But I am also hopeful and so, so excited to meet and love my friend's daughter.
This friend and I have talked about what parenting in community could look like, practically speaking, and she said she is concerned she might not know what kind of help to ask for. I sent her and her partner the New Baby Bill of Rights as a "seed to start germinating" as the baby continues to grow. They were very grateful and it has already been some very useful scaffolding for us to start building our conversations around.
I can understand the view that it is a bit overwhelming to have so many conflicting perspectives about what people with new babies might need, but for us the range of options has been a really useful 'menu' to start considering.
You have a devoted and grateful subscriber here :)
Thank you so much for this lovely and thoughtful comment, Sarah! It made my day when I read it, but I'm only replying now because I've been on vacation/sick, and I wanted to be able to give it my full attention.
I love this: "Last week I got a spontaneous hug from a kid who is emphatically not a hugger, a special nickname based on an in-joke with a kid, a long message from a friend thanking me for being so calm and relaxed as she guided her autistic kiddo through a meltdown, and a voice memo from an 8 year old saying that I am her favourite of her mum's friends and that I am her friend and her dog's friend too, and she misses me and hopes to see me soon, and feedback that the craft and games I bought a kid for Christmas have been travelling everywhere with her for a whole month <3." You are a true super turbo mega Auntie!
When thinking about the potential loss that can come when a childless friend has a baby, I am now always thinking about what Ann Friedman said about this when I interviewed her recently. She said:
"There are lots and lots of different things that can challenge a friendship and really mess with how much time you have to devote to it. A Big Friendship, as we define it, is expansive enough to go through periods where one person is – well, maybe not fully checked out, but less able to give time or attention to the friendship. But that cannot last indefinitely; it cannot last 18 years while you're parenting. Maybe it lasts while your child's an infant, or maybe it lasts while one friend is going through a difficult period at their job or moving to a new place.
There are a lot of big events that can disrupt a life. You have to hold that the friendship will change. Not everyone's time to devote to it is going to remain the same. But it can't remain lopsided forever, either, and still be a good friendship. I have been the one to have grace for friends and also I've needed that grace from friends – not just when having a child, but with lots of different things in life. Weirdly, I feel even more evangelical now about continuing to show up for friendship, even through the periods where one of you, or maybe both of you, feels they can't find the time."
In case you missed it, you can read the whole interview here: https://open.substack.com/pub/theauntie/p/navigating-friendship-through-lifes?r=nbcpy&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
Thank you so much for reading and supporting The Auntie Bulletin, Sarah!