For gender neutral auntie, I am tante (said like tawn-tuh) to my niblings. One of our close friends is Norwegian - this is the Norwegian for "aunt" and she suggested it when we were discussing terms. The niblings aren't Norwegian (they're the younger siblings of a different friend) and in an English speaking country it's close enough to "auntie" that when they say "my Tante [Name]" people seem to recognise it means something like auntie. But it's not so gendered. Works for me! I've heard Titi and Zizi based on Spanish & Italian words for aunt/uncle too.
Another suggestion is let your kids pick the word. They're bound to mispronounce your name a bit if they are very little, or if they're older they'll love to come up with something silly :) I know that doesn't work as an overall term though!
Tante is also aunt in Dutch, my mom's cultural background. I really love that word and wish we had grown up using it, not just hearing it. As for letting kids choose, I'm Auntie Boogie because the th and multiple syllables in my name have been hard for every bio and allo nibling in my life. One nephew called me Auntie Birdie for a while, and I loved that, too.
I love these suggestions, R X! I've always liked the title "tante" -- I think it must've been in some books I read as a kid, because I've always known what it meant. Titi and Zizi are also great. It may be that we just won't be able to find an overall term that works for everyone, which -- well, yeah, that makes sense. As is so often the case, the queer community leads the way everyone else imagine what it could be like to live fully as our true selves, letting go of categories that don't serve us.
I think being an Auntie who is raising their own kids is probably the easiest form. You're already where the kids are and on their schedule. Plus, adding more of other people's children is the easiest way to do anything with kids--although this might not be true if you are used to two adults and one child.
You know, I somehow hadn't even thought of this case? But of course so many parents are also alloparents to their kids' friends and/or their friends' kids. Duh!
Yes I have found this to be true! Was trying to explain to my husband that it’s easier in some ways to watch two or three toddlers than just one, because they entertain each other.
> Auntie who is also currently raising your own children
I don’t think I am a full Auntie yet, but I am raising my own kids and aspire to Auntiehood. There was an anecdote in (I think) *Hunt, Gather, Parent* about how in some places and cultures, it’s more of a norm for trustworthy grownups to have charge of the kids in their general proximity at gatherings, rather than everyone watching their own kids all the time. When we get together with friends or hang out at the library, that anecdote inspires me. I’m newish to bio aunthood but this newsletter also gets me thinking about how I can step up in that area.
I love this. Wouldn't it be great if we could all just rotate through designated childcare roles at events, or even in life more generally? There's some great feminist utopian science fiction in which all of the members of society rotate through various kinds of jobs and roles over time, so everyone has experience caring for the children, growing food, making decisions for the community, etc.
Yeah! Becky Chambers does this, definitely in her third Wayfarers book, Record of a Spaceborn Few, and also pretty much in the Monk & Robot books (or at least the first one, I haven’t read the second).
But Chambers is part of a long tradition. I first came across it in Joanna Russ’s short story “A Few Things I Know about Whileaway,” which I think later went on to become part of her novel The Female Man. Russ is widely viewed as having launched the feminist utopian sci-fi genre. She was writing about same-sex marriage and societies without men in the 70s.
Another one I love is from the criminally underrated novelist Molly Gloss, her novel about Quakers on a generation ship, called The Dazzle of Day.
I’ve definitely seen the trope of society rotating through jobs in a lot of science fiction, but these are the ones that leap first to my mind. Oftentimes there’s some kind of set up where there’s a creche, where children are all raised in a central location by skilled and loving people whose job is to raise children, and then the parents are out living their lives and they come see their kids pretty often and take them home for the weekend and stuff. This trope can be a bit rattling to the nuclear family mindset, but it does show up again and again in utopian science fiction.
The word Auntie, and Auntie culture, resonates in a special way for desi/South Asian people, so I'd hate to lose that specific word.
There's a wine store near my neighborhood where the proprietress uses "Queen" as a term of gender-neutral address to her customers ("how can I help you, queen?"), regardless of how they present, and I like to think "Auntie" can work on the same plane as that.
And it's not just Desi people/South Asians! There are so many cultures who really know how to Auntie. I feel like someone should write a book about it, although I'm not sure it should be me. Maybe someone already has? I've looked but haven't found it yet!
I recognized myself (a stepmother) in the “load-bearing auntie” section, but noticed stepmothers weren’t explicitly mentioned. Are we aunties?
I think it depends on how each of us approaches the stepmom role — I’m in a situation where the child is being amazingly co-parented by a great mom and dad, and I get to be a fully load-bearing part of their team.
Annie, you are, and your omission was my mistake! I was slapping my forehead so much that I actually just went back and added step-parents in (mostly questions, because I know so little), and a section for foster parents as well. Thank you so much for this catch. Check out the post again to read those sections!
Amazing, I went back and read some of your other posts that mention stepmoms, and loved them. The auntie framing is so helpful for me! (Wasn’t trying to call you out for the omission— I was kind of connecting the dots as I read and getting curious about the overlaps). Thank you!
I can definitely see other people in stepparent roles, though, that consider themselves in more of a “primary parent” role, which is also interesting to think about.
Hello fellow Long COVIDer (not the most fun club to be a member of). Lately I’ve been grappling with my grief over likely not being able to have kids due to my disabilities, and I’ve really appreciated how your newsletter helps me imagine other ways of being deeply involved in childrearing.
When I first subscribed I was thinking about how I'd like to be a more involved auntie to my friend's kids though she lives far away (you've had great advice on that). But the more I've read the more I've realized I've played an auntie role in my sibling's lives.
All my three siblings are 10 to 14 years younger than me. My relationship resembles the average aunt more than the average sister due to this age gap. I don't babysit anymore but I do give rides and worry about them.
What's been really bothering me is that I've mainly been involved with in the life of one of my siblings. Do to my family estrangement, I've been in and out of the lives of my other siblings (current out). I'd love to hear from others or have a space to for aunties to discuss how we handle not being with the kids and teens we care about due to family estrangement, friend breakups or fallout from custody battles.
For gender neutral auntie, I am tante (said like tawn-tuh) to my niblings. One of our close friends is Norwegian - this is the Norwegian for "aunt" and she suggested it when we were discussing terms. The niblings aren't Norwegian (they're the younger siblings of a different friend) and in an English speaking country it's close enough to "auntie" that when they say "my Tante [Name]" people seem to recognise it means something like auntie. But it's not so gendered. Works for me! I've heard Titi and Zizi based on Spanish & Italian words for aunt/uncle too.
Another suggestion is let your kids pick the word. They're bound to mispronounce your name a bit if they are very little, or if they're older they'll love to come up with something silly :) I know that doesn't work as an overall term though!
Tante is also aunt in Dutch, my mom's cultural background. I really love that word and wish we had grown up using it, not just hearing it. As for letting kids choose, I'm Auntie Boogie because the th and multiple syllables in my name have been hard for every bio and allo nibling in my life. One nephew called me Auntie Birdie for a while, and I loved that, too.
I love these suggestions, R X! I've always liked the title "tante" -- I think it must've been in some books I read as a kid, because I've always known what it meant. Titi and Zizi are also great. It may be that we just won't be able to find an overall term that works for everyone, which -- well, yeah, that makes sense. As is so often the case, the queer community leads the way everyone else imagine what it could be like to live fully as our true selves, letting go of categories that don't serve us.
I think being an Auntie who is raising their own kids is probably the easiest form. You're already where the kids are and on their schedule. Plus, adding more of other people's children is the easiest way to do anything with kids--although this might not be true if you are used to two adults and one child.
You know, I somehow hadn't even thought of this case? But of course so many parents are also alloparents to their kids' friends and/or their friends' kids. Duh!
Yes I have found this to be true! Was trying to explain to my husband that it’s easier in some ways to watch two or three toddlers than just one, because they entertain each other.
My experience as well, although in my case it's all other people's kids. :)
> Auntie who is also currently raising your own children
I don’t think I am a full Auntie yet, but I am raising my own kids and aspire to Auntiehood. There was an anecdote in (I think) *Hunt, Gather, Parent* about how in some places and cultures, it’s more of a norm for trustworthy grownups to have charge of the kids in their general proximity at gatherings, rather than everyone watching their own kids all the time. When we get together with friends or hang out at the library, that anecdote inspires me. I’m newish to bio aunthood but this newsletter also gets me thinking about how I can step up in that area.
I love this. Wouldn't it be great if we could all just rotate through designated childcare roles at events, or even in life more generally? There's some great feminist utopian science fiction in which all of the members of society rotate through various kinds of jobs and roles over time, so everyone has experience caring for the children, growing food, making decisions for the community, etc.
Ooh, do you have any book recs for this feminist utopian sci-fi?
Yeah! Becky Chambers does this, definitely in her third Wayfarers book, Record of a Spaceborn Few, and also pretty much in the Monk & Robot books (or at least the first one, I haven’t read the second).
But Chambers is part of a long tradition. I first came across it in Joanna Russ’s short story “A Few Things I Know about Whileaway,” which I think later went on to become part of her novel The Female Man. Russ is widely viewed as having launched the feminist utopian sci-fi genre. She was writing about same-sex marriage and societies without men in the 70s.
Another one I love is from the criminally underrated novelist Molly Gloss, her novel about Quakers on a generation ship, called The Dazzle of Day.
I’ve definitely seen the trope of society rotating through jobs in a lot of science fiction, but these are the ones that leap first to my mind. Oftentimes there’s some kind of set up where there’s a creche, where children are all raised in a central location by skilled and loving people whose job is to raise children, and then the parents are out living their lives and they come see their kids pretty often and take them home for the weekend and stuff. This trope can be a bit rattling to the nuclear family mindset, but it does show up again and again in utopian science fiction.
Becky Chambers is one of my all-time favorite authors! I’m excited to check out the rest!
The word Auntie, and Auntie culture, resonates in a special way for desi/South Asian people, so I'd hate to lose that specific word.
There's a wine store near my neighborhood where the proprietress uses "Queen" as a term of gender-neutral address to her customers ("how can I help you, queen?"), regardless of how they present, and I like to think "Auntie" can work on the same plane as that.
I like to think this too!
And it's not just Desi people/South Asians! There are so many cultures who really know how to Auntie. I feel like someone should write a book about it, although I'm not sure it should be me. Maybe someone already has? I've looked but haven't found it yet!
I recognized myself (a stepmother) in the “load-bearing auntie” section, but noticed stepmothers weren’t explicitly mentioned. Are we aunties?
I think it depends on how each of us approaches the stepmom role — I’m in a situation where the child is being amazingly co-parented by a great mom and dad, and I get to be a fully load-bearing part of their team.
Annie, you are, and your omission was my mistake! I was slapping my forehead so much that I actually just went back and added step-parents in (mostly questions, because I know so little), and a section for foster parents as well. Thank you so much for this catch. Check out the post again to read those sections!
Amazing, I went back and read some of your other posts that mention stepmoms, and loved them. The auntie framing is so helpful for me! (Wasn’t trying to call you out for the omission— I was kind of connecting the dots as I read and getting curious about the overlaps). Thank you!
I can definitely see other people in stepparent roles, though, that consider themselves in more of a “primary parent” role, which is also interesting to think about.
I'm glad you commented nonetheless! I did want to write the stepmom and foster parent parts, so I'm so glad I got the reminder.
Christmas Bells! By Henry! Wadsworth! Longfellow!
Hello fellow Long COVIDer (not the most fun club to be a member of). Lately I’ve been grappling with my grief over likely not being able to have kids due to my disabilities, and I’ve really appreciated how your newsletter helps me imagine other ways of being deeply involved in childrearing.
When I first subscribed I was thinking about how I'd like to be a more involved auntie to my friend's kids though she lives far away (you've had great advice on that). But the more I've read the more I've realized I've played an auntie role in my sibling's lives.
All my three siblings are 10 to 14 years younger than me. My relationship resembles the average aunt more than the average sister due to this age gap. I don't babysit anymore but I do give rides and worry about them.
What's been really bothering me is that I've mainly been involved with in the life of one of my siblings. Do to my family estrangement, I've been in and out of the lives of my other siblings (current out). I'd love to hear from others or have a space to for aunties to discuss how we handle not being with the kids and teens we care about due to family estrangement, friend breakups or fallout from custody battles.