For gender neutral auntie, I am tante (said like tawn-tuh) to my niblings. One of our close friends is Norwegian - this is the Norwegian for "aunt" and she suggested it when we were discussing terms. The niblings aren't Norwegian (they're the younger siblings of a different friend) and in an English speaking country it's close enough to "auntie" that when they say "my Tante [Name]" people seem to recognise it means something like auntie. But it's not so gendered. Works for me! I've heard Titi and Zizi based on Spanish & Italian words for aunt/uncle too.
Another suggestion is let your kids pick the word. They're bound to mispronounce your name a bit if they are very little, or if they're older they'll love to come up with something silly :) I know that doesn't work as an overall term though!
I love these suggestions, R X! I've always liked the title "tante" -- I think it must've been in some books I read as a kid, because I've always known what it meant. Titi and Zizi are also great. It may be that we just won't be able to find an overall term that works for everyone, which -- well, yeah, that makes sense. As is so often the case, the queer community leads the way everyone else imagine what it could be like to live fully as our true selves, letting go of categories that don't serve us.
Tante is also aunt in Dutch, my mom's cultural background. I really love that word and wish we had grown up using it, not just hearing it. As for letting kids choose, I'm Auntie Boogie because the th and multiple syllables in my name have been hard for every bio and allo nibling in my life. One nephew called me Auntie Birdie for a while, and I loved that, too.
I think being an Auntie who is raising their own kids is probably the easiest form. You're already where the kids are and on their schedule. Plus, adding more of other people's children is the easiest way to do anything with kids--although this might not be true if you are used to two adults and one child.
You know, I somehow hadn't even thought of this case? But of course so many parents are also alloparents to their kids' friends and/or their friends' kids. Duh!
Yes I have found this to be true! Was trying to explain to my husband that it’s easier in some ways to watch two or three toddlers than just one, because they entertain each other.
> Auntie who is also currently raising your own children
I don’t think I am a full Auntie yet, but I am raising my own kids and aspire to Auntiehood. There was an anecdote in (I think) *Hunt, Gather, Parent* about how in some places and cultures, it’s more of a norm for trustworthy grownups to have charge of the kids in their general proximity at gatherings, rather than everyone watching their own kids all the time. When we get together with friends or hang out at the library, that anecdote inspires me. I’m newish to bio aunthood but this newsletter also gets me thinking about how I can step up in that area.
I love this. Wouldn't it be great if we could all just rotate through designated childcare roles at events, or even in life more generally? There's some great feminist utopian science fiction in which all of the members of society rotate through various kinds of jobs and roles over time, so everyone has experience caring for the children, growing food, making decisions for the community, etc.
Yeah! Becky Chambers does this, definitely in her third Wayfarers book, Record of a Spaceborn Few, and also pretty much in the Monk & Robot books (or at least the first one, I haven’t read the second).
But Chambers is part of a long tradition. I first came across it in Joanna Russ’s short story “A Few Things I Know about Whileaway,” which I think later went on to become part of her novel The Female Man. Russ is widely viewed as having launched the feminist utopian sci-fi genre. She was writing about same-sex marriage and societies without men in the 70s.
Another one I love is from the criminally underrated novelist Molly Gloss, her novel about Quakers on a generation ship, called The Dazzle of Day.
I’ve definitely seen the trope of society rotating through jobs in a lot of science fiction, but these are the ones that leap first to my mind. Oftentimes there’s some kind of set up where there’s a creche, where children are all raised in a central location by skilled and loving people whose job is to raise children, and then the parents are out living their lives and they come see their kids pretty often and take them home for the weekend and stuff. This trope can be a bit rattling to the nuclear family mindset, but it does show up again and again in utopian science fiction.
Hello fellow Long COVIDer (not the most fun club to be a member of). Lately I’ve been grappling with my grief over likely not being able to have kids due to my disabilities, and I’ve really appreciated how your newsletter helps me imagine other ways of being deeply involved in childrearing.
Thank you so much for reading, Kelly. I think there might be a lot of grief among disabled folks about not being able to have kids. I'm going to write more about this from my own perspective in early 2025, and I'm hoping to have an expert in to interview about it sometime during the year as well. The involuntary childlessness associated with disability is real, and I haven't seen much discourse about it. (Although to be fair, I haven't looked very hard yet).
I look forward to reading what you write on this topic! I have several drafts I’ve been dumping ideas into, but am still considering whether it feels too raw to put out into the world. It does feel like there’s not been much written about this particular flavor of experience of not having kids.
For what it’s worth, I err on the side of waiting to put things out into the world until the wound is more healed (recognizing it will never be like it was). But I also know ppl who write beautifully about griefs while they’re still raw (for example, all eulogies ever).
Yeah, that makes sense to me. It feels like something where I can write about parts of it now, but parts of it aren’t meant for more public writing just yet.
The word Auntie, and Auntie culture, resonates in a special way for desi/South Asian people, so I'd hate to lose that specific word.
There's a wine store near my neighborhood where the proprietress uses "Queen" as a term of gender-neutral address to her customers ("how can I help you, queen?"), regardless of how they present, and I like to think "Auntie" can work on the same plane as that.
And it's not just Desi people/South Asians! There are so many cultures who really know how to Auntie. I feel like someone should write a book about it, although I'm not sure it should be me. Maybe someone already has? I've looked but haven't found it yet!
I recognized myself (a stepmother) in the “load-bearing auntie” section, but noticed stepmothers weren’t explicitly mentioned. Are we aunties?
I think it depends on how each of us approaches the stepmom role — I’m in a situation where the child is being amazingly co-parented by a great mom and dad, and I get to be a fully load-bearing part of their team.
Annie, you are, and your omission was my mistake! I was slapping my forehead so much that I actually just went back and added step-parents in (mostly questions, because I know so little), and a section for foster parents as well. Thank you so much for this catch. Check out the post again to read those sections!
Amazing, I went back and read some of your other posts that mention stepmoms, and loved them. The auntie framing is so helpful for me! (Wasn’t trying to call you out for the omission— I was kind of connecting the dots as I read and getting curious about the overlaps). Thank you!
I can definitely see other people in stepparent roles, though, that consider themselves in more of a “primary parent” role, which is also interesting to think about.
Oof indeed. As a male primary caregiver of a very social 4yo girl this hit pretty hard. The mothers are suspicious of you being around their children, and the fathers are suspicious of you being around their wives. I get it, but it's pretty isolating.
It does sound isolating. Thanks for reading, Daniel. I'm glad you're here.
FWIW, after the most recent Auntie Bulletin post in which I described how I (a sensitive, neurodivergent, introvert) often retreat to the kids' room during parties, my (cis male) partner was like "I could not get away with that."
I'm hoping to get one or more experts in to The Auntie Bulletin to talk to us about this stuff in 2025. I'm not sure who, or what they'll say, but it would be nice to have some guidance and support around this.
Meanwhile, are you aware of the newsletter The New Fatherhood, by Kevin Maguire? He's on Substack, and his newsletter is very beloved by some dads I know. I also read it, and I think it's pretty great.
When I first subscribed I was thinking about how I'd like to be a more involved auntie to my friend's kids though she lives far away (you've had great advice on that). But the more I've read the more I've realized I've played an auntie role in my sibling's lives.
All my three siblings are 10 to 14 years younger than me. My relationship resembles the average aunt more than the average sister due to this age gap. I don't babysit anymore but I do give rides and worry about them.
What's been really bothering me is that I've mainly been involved with in the life of one of my siblings. Do to my family estrangement, I've been in and out of the lives of my other siblings (current out). I'd love to hear from others or have a space to for aunties to discuss how we handle not being with the kids and teens we care about due to family estrangement, friend breakups or fallout from custody battles.
Oh man, Mia, it sounds like you are doing older sibling Auntiehood big time!
I feel you on the estrangement thing. It sucks so much. I haven't written about this at The Auntie Bulletin yet, because it's hard and so personal and a lot of my loved ones and friends read this newsletter, but estrangement affects my family, too. I appreciate the request and I will mull how I can write about it in a way that honors my own family's privacy but also helps those of us who are affected by this kind of thing find each other. Because we do need to find each other.
I definitely understand that and you certainly shouldn't feel pressured to write about something that could cause problems in your or other's personal life.
Just thinking about allo-parenting and taking auntie hood seriously has helped me. Part of what's bothered me is others being unintentionally dismissive. It's odd but many people think that because there's this age gap plus that they're "half" siblings that this shouldn't affect me so much. I've also seen it in a lot in how people talk about step-parents so I imagine it's even worse for aunties who aren't related by genetics or marriage to the kids in their lives.
I haven't read the whole slate article, but from the section you quoted it seemed interesting that Haber-Harries was locating the problem with being choosy, rather than, for example, looking at how the conditions of living under neoliberalism make it hard for people to connect with the people around them. If you are always working, it's harder to build community and trust - like, to figure out how to navigate those covid boundaries before there's a newborn at stake! I live in a city with a very high cost of living and it's rare for people to really know their neighbours, not because we are bad or fussy people, but because we are all too precious, transient and burned out to put down roots. Neoliberalism makes it hard to build community but also expects community to magically exist and care for children and elders when needed. Thank you for the work you do in helping us all resist that narrative!
To the kids in my circle, I’m often Uncle Liz because one of the first kids called me that and we thought it was funny so it stuck,
To my partner’s teens, who are ably co-parented and do not need additional parenting, I think of myself as a bonus adult. It’s been about a year so far and our relationship is still developing.
For gender neutral auntie, I am tante (said like tawn-tuh) to my niblings. One of our close friends is Norwegian - this is the Norwegian for "aunt" and she suggested it when we were discussing terms. The niblings aren't Norwegian (they're the younger siblings of a different friend) and in an English speaking country it's close enough to "auntie" that when they say "my Tante [Name]" people seem to recognise it means something like auntie. But it's not so gendered. Works for me! I've heard Titi and Zizi based on Spanish & Italian words for aunt/uncle too.
Another suggestion is let your kids pick the word. They're bound to mispronounce your name a bit if they are very little, or if they're older they'll love to come up with something silly :) I know that doesn't work as an overall term though!
I love these suggestions, R X! I've always liked the title "tante" -- I think it must've been in some books I read as a kid, because I've always known what it meant. Titi and Zizi are also great. It may be that we just won't be able to find an overall term that works for everyone, which -- well, yeah, that makes sense. As is so often the case, the queer community leads the way everyone else imagine what it could be like to live fully as our true selves, letting go of categories that don't serve us.
Tante is also aunt in Dutch, my mom's cultural background. I really love that word and wish we had grown up using it, not just hearing it. As for letting kids choose, I'm Auntie Boogie because the th and multiple syllables in my name have been hard for every bio and allo nibling in my life. One nephew called me Auntie Birdie for a while, and I loved that, too.
I think being an Auntie who is raising their own kids is probably the easiest form. You're already where the kids are and on their schedule. Plus, adding more of other people's children is the easiest way to do anything with kids--although this might not be true if you are used to two adults and one child.
You know, I somehow hadn't even thought of this case? But of course so many parents are also alloparents to their kids' friends and/or their friends' kids. Duh!
Yes I have found this to be true! Was trying to explain to my husband that it’s easier in some ways to watch two or three toddlers than just one, because they entertain each other.
My experience as well, although in my case it's all other people's kids. :)
> Auntie who is also currently raising your own children
I don’t think I am a full Auntie yet, but I am raising my own kids and aspire to Auntiehood. There was an anecdote in (I think) *Hunt, Gather, Parent* about how in some places and cultures, it’s more of a norm for trustworthy grownups to have charge of the kids in their general proximity at gatherings, rather than everyone watching their own kids all the time. When we get together with friends or hang out at the library, that anecdote inspires me. I’m newish to bio aunthood but this newsletter also gets me thinking about how I can step up in that area.
I love this. Wouldn't it be great if we could all just rotate through designated childcare roles at events, or even in life more generally? There's some great feminist utopian science fiction in which all of the members of society rotate through various kinds of jobs and roles over time, so everyone has experience caring for the children, growing food, making decisions for the community, etc.
Ooh, do you have any book recs for this feminist utopian sci-fi?
Yeah! Becky Chambers does this, definitely in her third Wayfarers book, Record of a Spaceborn Few, and also pretty much in the Monk & Robot books (or at least the first one, I haven’t read the second).
But Chambers is part of a long tradition. I first came across it in Joanna Russ’s short story “A Few Things I Know about Whileaway,” which I think later went on to become part of her novel The Female Man. Russ is widely viewed as having launched the feminist utopian sci-fi genre. She was writing about same-sex marriage and societies without men in the 70s.
Another one I love is from the criminally underrated novelist Molly Gloss, her novel about Quakers on a generation ship, called The Dazzle of Day.
I’ve definitely seen the trope of society rotating through jobs in a lot of science fiction, but these are the ones that leap first to my mind. Oftentimes there’s some kind of set up where there’s a creche, where children are all raised in a central location by skilled and loving people whose job is to raise children, and then the parents are out living their lives and they come see their kids pretty often and take them home for the weekend and stuff. This trope can be a bit rattling to the nuclear family mindset, but it does show up again and again in utopian science fiction.
Becky Chambers is one of my all-time favorite authors! I’m excited to check out the rest!
Hello fellow Long COVIDer (not the most fun club to be a member of). Lately I’ve been grappling with my grief over likely not being able to have kids due to my disabilities, and I’ve really appreciated how your newsletter helps me imagine other ways of being deeply involved in childrearing.
Thank you so much for reading, Kelly. I think there might be a lot of grief among disabled folks about not being able to have kids. I'm going to write more about this from my own perspective in early 2025, and I'm hoping to have an expert in to interview about it sometime during the year as well. The involuntary childlessness associated with disability is real, and I haven't seen much discourse about it. (Although to be fair, I haven't looked very hard yet).
I look forward to reading what you write on this topic! I have several drafts I’ve been dumping ideas into, but am still considering whether it feels too raw to put out into the world. It does feel like there’s not been much written about this particular flavor of experience of not having kids.
For what it’s worth, I err on the side of waiting to put things out into the world until the wound is more healed (recognizing it will never be like it was). But I also know ppl who write beautifully about griefs while they’re still raw (for example, all eulogies ever).
Yeah, that makes sense to me. It feels like something where I can write about parts of it now, but parts of it aren’t meant for more public writing just yet.
The word Auntie, and Auntie culture, resonates in a special way for desi/South Asian people, so I'd hate to lose that specific word.
There's a wine store near my neighborhood where the proprietress uses "Queen" as a term of gender-neutral address to her customers ("how can I help you, queen?"), regardless of how they present, and I like to think "Auntie" can work on the same plane as that.
I like to think this too!
And it's not just Desi people/South Asians! There are so many cultures who really know how to Auntie. I feel like someone should write a book about it, although I'm not sure it should be me. Maybe someone already has? I've looked but haven't found it yet!
I recognized myself (a stepmother) in the “load-bearing auntie” section, but noticed stepmothers weren’t explicitly mentioned. Are we aunties?
I think it depends on how each of us approaches the stepmom role — I’m in a situation where the child is being amazingly co-parented by a great mom and dad, and I get to be a fully load-bearing part of their team.
Annie, you are, and your omission was my mistake! I was slapping my forehead so much that I actually just went back and added step-parents in (mostly questions, because I know so little), and a section for foster parents as well. Thank you so much for this catch. Check out the post again to read those sections!
Amazing, I went back and read some of your other posts that mention stepmoms, and loved them. The auntie framing is so helpful for me! (Wasn’t trying to call you out for the omission— I was kind of connecting the dots as I read and getting curious about the overlaps). Thank you!
I can definitely see other people in stepparent roles, though, that consider themselves in more of a “primary parent” role, which is also interesting to think about.
I'm glad you commented nonetheless! I did want to write the stepmom and foster parent parts, so I'm so glad I got the reminder.
Oof indeed. As a male primary caregiver of a very social 4yo girl this hit pretty hard. The mothers are suspicious of you being around their children, and the fathers are suspicious of you being around their wives. I get it, but it's pretty isolating.
It does sound isolating. Thanks for reading, Daniel. I'm glad you're here.
FWIW, after the most recent Auntie Bulletin post in which I described how I (a sensitive, neurodivergent, introvert) often retreat to the kids' room during parties, my (cis male) partner was like "I could not get away with that."
I'm hoping to get one or more experts in to The Auntie Bulletin to talk to us about this stuff in 2025. I'm not sure who, or what they'll say, but it would be nice to have some guidance and support around this.
Meanwhile, are you aware of the newsletter The New Fatherhood, by Kevin Maguire? He's on Substack, and his newsletter is very beloved by some dads I know. I also read it, and I think it's pretty great.
Thanks! I'll check it out
When I first subscribed I was thinking about how I'd like to be a more involved auntie to my friend's kids though she lives far away (you've had great advice on that). But the more I've read the more I've realized I've played an auntie role in my sibling's lives.
All my three siblings are 10 to 14 years younger than me. My relationship resembles the average aunt more than the average sister due to this age gap. I don't babysit anymore but I do give rides and worry about them.
What's been really bothering me is that I've mainly been involved with in the life of one of my siblings. Do to my family estrangement, I've been in and out of the lives of my other siblings (current out). I'd love to hear from others or have a space to for aunties to discuss how we handle not being with the kids and teens we care about due to family estrangement, friend breakups or fallout from custody battles.
Oh man, Mia, it sounds like you are doing older sibling Auntiehood big time!
I feel you on the estrangement thing. It sucks so much. I haven't written about this at The Auntie Bulletin yet, because it's hard and so personal and a lot of my loved ones and friends read this newsletter, but estrangement affects my family, too. I appreciate the request and I will mull how I can write about it in a way that honors my own family's privacy but also helps those of us who are affected by this kind of thing find each other. Because we do need to find each other.
I definitely understand that and you certainly shouldn't feel pressured to write about something that could cause problems in your or other's personal life.
Just thinking about allo-parenting and taking auntie hood seriously has helped me. Part of what's bothered me is others being unintentionally dismissive. It's odd but many people think that because there's this age gap plus that they're "half" siblings that this shouldn't affect me so much. I've also seen it in a lot in how people talk about step-parents so I imagine it's even worse for aunties who aren't related by genetics or marriage to the kids in their lives.
Christmas Bells! By Henry! Wadsworth! Longfellow!
Thanks for this, so much food for thought!
I haven't read the whole slate article, but from the section you quoted it seemed interesting that Haber-Harries was locating the problem with being choosy, rather than, for example, looking at how the conditions of living under neoliberalism make it hard for people to connect with the people around them. If you are always working, it's harder to build community and trust - like, to figure out how to navigate those covid boundaries before there's a newborn at stake! I live in a city with a very high cost of living and it's rare for people to really know their neighbours, not because we are bad or fussy people, but because we are all too precious, transient and burned out to put down roots. Neoliberalism makes it hard to build community but also expects community to magically exist and care for children and elders when needed. Thank you for the work you do in helping us all resist that narrative!
To the kids in my circle, I’m often Uncle Liz because one of the first kids called me that and we thought it was funny so it stuck,
To my partner’s teens, who are ably co-parented and do not need additional parenting, I think of myself as a bonus adult. It’s been about a year so far and our relationship is still developing.