On Gendering and Not Gendering Children

A practical everyday guide to showing kids they're loved, exactly as they are.

Before we dive in today, a happy announcement. The Auntie Bulletin just hit 5000 subscribers – hooray! Thank you so much for being here with me, Aunties. I appreciate you so, so much.

Don't be fooled by the exponential curve. There's a glitch in Substack's metrics display that means it always looks like this. The reality is much more linear, with plenty of plateaus.

All along, I’ve planned to raise subscription prices when we hit this milestone, and I’ll be doing so in a few weeks. (If you already have a paid subscription, don’t worry: you will keep your current rate forever). After mid-July, prices for new subscriptions will rise to US $8/month or $80/year, but if you upgrade now, you can lock in a subscription price of US $5/month or $50/year.

As we’ve been on a slow roll here at The Auntie Bulletin for the past few months, paywalls have been few and far between, but I’m ready to ramp back up now and I’m in the midst of rethinking paid subscriber offerings. Expect more paywalls partway through posts – such that all subscribers get substantive content above the paywall, but paid subscribers also get bonus content and a lot of the “how to” stuff. (You’ll encounter this structure in today’s post, for example). If you’d like to weigh in on what paid versus free offerings should look like going forward, paid subscribers can comment on this post, and all comers can shoot me a message at auntiebulletin at gmail dot com. I’d love to hear from you!

Now Let’s Get To It

A school bus makes its way down Market Street during the San Francisco Pride Parade on Sunday, June 25, 2023. Brontë Wittpenn/San Francisco Chronicle.

Happy Pride, Aunties!

Today I’m doing an overview of kids and gender – exploring both how kids identify (or hyper-identify) with the gender they were assigned at birth, as well as what happens when kids are transgender or nonbinary (either by their own choice or by parental decision). There’s a lot of terrain to explore here, and I have opted for the broad survey rather than a deep dive into a single topic because there are so many different ways kids might need adults’ support, vis-a-vis gender, in these highly fraught 2020s.

I’m not going to get into the political landscape, because you already know. Here in the United States (and in many other places), it’s hard and scary to be a cisgender woman right now; and it’s hard and scary to be a cisgender man right now (although men aren’t allowed to admit it); and it’s really hard and scary to be transgender or nonbinary right now.

How are we to help kids grow up happy, healthy, and thriving, vis-á-vis their own and others’ genders, when every aspect of gender feels like a battleground and people’s literal lives and safety are on the line? Talking to kids about gender¹ and advocating for loving and equitable policies is important, but today I want to argue that it’s just as important for Aunties and alloparents to simply support kids in their daily gender expression, let them experiment when they want to, and have their backs as they figure things out.

Here's a simple terminology primer. From the Washington Post's gender terminology glossary.

Most kids are cisgender, and some are trans and nonbinary. I’ll talk about both groups in this post, but it’s important to note that the number of young people identifying as transgender and nonbinary is growing, and rapidly. In 2022, about 1.4% of youth aged 13-18 in the United States identified as transgender (versus only 0.5% of adults).² The number of young people identifying as trans had doubled since 2017. Regardless of your beliefs or feelings about whether children can or should identify their own gender, the reality is that as time passes we are all going to know more trans kids and teens. I already know quite a few. Essentially, the horse is out of the barn on this one and Aunties need to get on board if we are going to show up well for the kids in our lives. (See also: parents raising their kids as nonbinary).

Aunties of all gender identities – whether we are cisgender or transgender, nonbinary or women or men – do need to involve ourselves in these conversations. This may feel a little uncomfortable for those of us who are cis, because in the United States (and probably a lot of other places), we are all socialized to stay out of other people’s – and other groups’ – business. This value holds in the domain of identity as much as anywhere else, and is evidenced by the common refrain that we should “stay in our lane.” The idea here is to focus on advocating for change among people who are like us, rather than acting like we know what’s best for people whose experiences vary widely from our own. In particular, according to this logic, people with more social status and power should avoid acting like we know what people with less status and power need. So, for example, the reasoning goes that white people should advocate for racial justice by talking to other white people, rather than trying to save people of color or tell them what to do. In my view, this is usually a wise approach.

When it comes to kids, however, conversations about gender and how to support kids are Aunties’ lane, regardless of our own gender identity, because we need to champion, support, and in some cases stick up for the kids in our lives. Aunties and all adults have to navigate how we gender – or don’t gender – children. Our words and actions are consequential. We are already involved, and the only decisions concern how we will show up. We might not always get it right, but we need to be happy to be corrected and learn, and happy to be brave on behalf of the kids we love. Our muscles for coming in swinging on this one must be strong.

Trans and nonbinary readers and parents of trans or nonbinary kids, thanks for putting up with my necessarily-limited cis point of view. I welcome your feedback and I’m ready to update this post as necessary. Hit me up at auntiebulletin at gmail dot com.

After the paywall, I’m going to dive into some of the stickiest situations that can come up for Aunties (and all adults) around gendering and not gendering kids. But for all readers, here are three low-key, everyday ways to help kids develop a healthy relationship toward their own and others’ gender.

1. Change the gender of characters in the books you read to kids. Many kids’ books – especially older ones – feature mostly male characters. Further, when the gender of the character is not obvious, we tend to default to describing the character as “he.” Resist! Purposely refer to lots of characters as “she” or “they” and purposely change the gender of male characters if their gender isn’t relevant (it usually isn’t). With little kids who can’t read yet, they won’t notice. As kids get older, you can talk to them about what you’re doing and why.

How many of these characters from Cars and Trucks and Things That Go would you naturally default to describing as "he"? I work on this consciously and frequently, and I still slip up an default to male pronouns often.

2. Have conversations with kids about their gendered toys. Many kids will go through a phase of wanting very gendered toys, and once they start having birthday parties with lots of other kids, there’s really no way to stem the tide. Aunties can, however, raise questions with kids about what counts as a “boy toy” or a “girl toy” and why, and what messages they send. (“Hmmm, that’s funny, I noticed a lot of the toys you got for your birthday are about being pretty, but the toys your brother got for his birthday are about being able to do cool things like drive over obstacles. What do you think that’s about?”)

3. Minimize gendered compliments. My mom once observed to me that she’d noticed she was complimenting her girl kindergarteners on their appearance (“What a pretty dress!”) and the boys on their accomplishments (“You were running at top speed!”). It blew my mind, and we both started working on it. Aunties can err on the side of praising effort for kids of all genders, and in situations where kids would like feedback on their appearance (for example, they’re playing with dress up clothes or trying on makeup), try offering compliments like “You look so cool!” or “What an awesome big kid haircut!”

The Gender Unicorn is the preferred explainer of gender terminology and concepts. Unlike other such graphic explainers, this one was created by actual transgender youth. At the Trans Student Educational Resources, you can download free copies in 14 different languages.

After the paywall, I’ll get into specific, sometimes hard-to-navigate situations, and how Aunties can respond supportively and with love:

• When Kids Experiment with Gender Expression. Kids may go full on pink unicorn sparkle princess, or alternatively get way into “boy colors” and trucks and (ugh) weapons – for either a short or a long time. Often, their choices align with the gender they were assigned at birth, and sometimes they don’t. In the latter case, this may be evidence that the kid is trans, or it might not.

• When Kids Come Out as Trans or Nonbinary. Some kids recognize at a very young age that they have been misgendered since birth, and others don’t come out until adolescence; regardless of when it happens, their wellbeing may depend on their being believed.

• When Parents Don’t Support Their Children’s Gender. Aunties have little to no direct influence over parents’ choices, but there are still important ways for us to intervene, support the kids, and (in many cases) preserve our relationship with the parents.

The post ends with a few recommended resources for further reading on youth, gender, and physical and mental health.