The New Baby Bill of Rights

Families with new children are entitled to community care.

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Let’s Get To It

One of my best friends gave birth to her second child shortly after returning to the U.S. after many years abroad. She and her partner and older child had moved a couple of hours away from me, to a town where they didn’t really know anyone. There were some complications with the end of the pregnancy, and they had to schedule a c-section for a couple of weeks before the due date. I drove up to take care of the older child while the new baby was being born.

The parents had headed off to the hospital, I’d dropped the older kid at school. It was time to assess their food situation. I wasn’t optimistic because my friends had just finished remodeling the kitchen: their pantry items were piled in the living room, the silverware and dishes and pots and pans were in the office, and the fridge was so new that some of the sticky plastic wrapping hadn’t been peeled off yet. I opened it.

Aunties, it didn’t look too good.

The three pillars of convenient menu-planning: milk, watermelon, and beets.

I texted a few mutual friends the above photo of our buddies’ frankly pathetic fridge situation, and they agreed to pitch in some cash for a massive grocery run.

Driving to Costco, I was unexpectedly grief-stricken at the emptiness of my friends’ fridge. Sure, they had just moved to town and had just finished their kitchen remodel and the baby had arrived early – and yet a nearly-empty fridge still felt like a thing that should not happen. I reflected that all parents, everywhere, no matter what, should be inundated with support when they bring home a new child – not just food, but also help with household tasks, time to attend to their own bodies’ needs, guidance when difficulties arise, and floods of adoration and attention showered not only on the newcomer but also on the other kids. Every family should have access to a village. Every family should have Aunties.

These are our human inheritance. These are our rights.

Today – assisted by readers who generously shared their experience – I’m proposing a New Baby Bill of Rights. It outlines what families should be able to expect from their communities when they bring home a new child.

One caveat: There’s also a lot that families should be able to expect from institutions when they bring home a new child. I’m talking about high-quality postpartum health care not only for babies but also for birthing parents; I’m talking about regular visits from understanding professionals who help parents navigate challenges; I’m talking about ample paid parental leave – regardless of the parents’ gender and whether the child(ren) were birthed into the family, adopted, or are being fostered. These are critically important, and in the United States they are sorely lacking. But short of advocating for the expansion of such policies – which we should whenever possible – Aunties don’t typically have much lever over the availability of these resources day-to-day.

What we can influence is how we show up for the families in our own communities. Indeed, by practicing loving Auntiehood whenever we have the chance, we help move the needle on what people think is normal and reasonable. Somebody might become aware that we stocked up a new family’s fridge and think, “hmmm, maybe I could do that.” They might find out that we’re picking up our neighbors’ kids from school as the family adjusts to a new baby and wonder, “would my neighbor might want something similar?” We’re modeling a different, more supportive way of being in community with one another. We’re slowly – dare I say cozily? – building a better world. (And as we help free up more of each others’ capacity, maybe we’ll have more time and energy to call our legislators).

The New Baby Bill of Rights for Families

I asked Auntie Bulletin readers to share their experiences bringing home a new child, including what people did for them that they really appreciated, and things people did that weren’t so helpful. In effect, today’s New Baby Bill of Rights represents our first collaboration as an Auntie Collective.

One of the most important ideas that emerged from the Auntie Bulletin readers’ survey – one I wouldn’t have thought to make explicit without readers’ input – is that every family’s needs are different. If you’ve read other lists of what parents need when they bring home a new baby, you’ll know that common themes tend to emerge – themes around just doing whatever needs to be done, respecting parents’ boundaries, or not overstaying, for example. And yet what I noticed in the many lovely, thoughtful accounts of Auntie Bulletin readers was that, for every strong preference in one direction, someone else had a strong preference in the other. Some people wanted to be socially left off the hook, while others wanted lots of visitors and to continue being invited to things (even if they couldn’t stay long). Some breastfeeding parents wanted privacy, while others wanted visitors to accept their need to have their body on greater display than usual. Some wanted people to clean their kitchen, and others cherished the opportunity to do a few chores as a break from being tethered to the baby. Some deeply appreciated a box of hand-me-down clothes or a care package of baby gear from a faraway friend, while others were like, “For the love of god, do not bring any new items into my home.” The takeaway? When in doubt, ask. Don’t belabor it, just feel out the situation and proceed accordingly.

All that said, here are the rights I think families should be entitled to in the weeks and months after a new child arrives. Conveniently for this American Auntie, there turned out to be ten, just like in the U.S. Bill of Rights! And then I tacked on one more for good measure. 😉

ONE. Plentiful, Convenient Food for the Whole Household.

People who don’t have kids of our own may not realize how hard it is for new parents to keep themselves fed. Ask about the whole family’s dietary restrictions and preferences before offering food. Include kid-friendly foods that are likely to be well-received by older siblings, as well as foods that can easily be eaten one-handed by people who are holding a baby or breastfeeding.

Someone brought little energy bite snacks which were perfect to grab while nursing. She included the recipe and I still make them all the time. – anonymous¹

Bring me meals with vegetables in them please! Text me and say, "I am on my way to the grocery store. Can I pick anything up and drop it off on my way home?" Getting to the grocery store with an infant is onerous. I'm so happy to reimburse, it's just the labor of getting to the store that is impossible. – Madalyn

An out of town friend had a box of snacks and soups sent to my house two days after baby arrived. It was around the time we were getting into our groove but didn't necessarily want to heat up frozen food again or order delivery. It made me feel extra loved that someone put in the time to research a company in my area that did this. – anonymous

Now THAT’S more like it. The freezer was also very satisfying to behold.

TWO. Visits That are Expected, Helpful, and Brief.

It’s so exciting to meet and hold a new baby! But the Auntie’s most important job is actually to help keep the household running. Do a scheduled visit at a time that’s convenient for the family. Plan to wash the dishes, empty the litter box, take out the trash, and move the wet laundry to the dryer. Don’t ask; just do what needs doing. Between tasks (wash your hands really well), you can chat for a bit and maybe hold the baby. Keep your visit short. Walk the dog on your way out.

It would be amazing if someone could show up semi-regularly and say, "I brought you food, hand me that baby, and I'll clean up before I go." That's all I needed in the whole world. – anonymous

My mom came over every morning with my first baby for 8 weeks. If we were sleeping, she did dishes and cleaned. If we were up, she took the baby and let me get a couple more hours of sleep. I also really appreciated friends who would come to me and do a simple activity on my schedule, e.g., take a walk, hang out on the couch. I wanted to socialize, but needed them to make it easy. – Chelsea

We needed them to show up, then go away – not require me to host them, and not linger, linger, linger. – anonymous

It was not helpful to have someone do my dishes or help clear the table when they asked about every little thing. It's ok if you don't put the whisk back in the exact right spot! Make an educated guess! It will be fine! - Emma

THREE. Curious Listeners.

Having a new child is perhaps the most significant event that happens in a person’s life. It’s huge, and the complexities and emotions that come with it are huge. My own experience of intense life events has taught me that one of the best, most helpful things a person can offer is their loving curiosity. With a new baby or child, I often ask open-ended questions about the big stuff: “Do you feel like telling me about your birth story?” “What was it like to watch your new kids walk in that door?” I also ask follow-up questions: “What happened next?” “What was that like for you?” “How did you feel at that point?” I let the person talk. If I chime in with my own contributions, I explicitly tie them back to what the other person was saying. “I share that story about my sister’s baby because it seems so much like what you’re talking about.”

I really appreciated when my friends let me talk about breastfeeding struggles and wins, even though it was probably a little more intimate than they were used to. My experience of having a newborn was like 90% breastfeeding, it felt like all I was doing day and night. I loved when people asked me about it and gave me space to talk and generally acknowledged that it was a huge aspect of new parenthood for me. – anonymous

I met with a counselor who focuses on pre- and postpartum experiences and it was so helpful. She listened and witnessed while I told the entire, confusing, overwhelming birth story in detail. It really helped make sense of the experience, create my own narrative and understanding of it, and integrate it. I couldn't tell which parts of the experience were important yet, so it was so helpful to just tell them all. That's something that a friend or family member could do potentially. They would have to say, “I want to hear everything, really everything.” I felt so lost in so many ways after the birth and this helped me put myself back together again. – anonymous

On the other hand, here’s an example of that point I mentioned earlier, that everyone has different preferences. Because Sarah shared that it was unhelpful when people wanted to hear her story right away. “I loved telling my birth story,” she wrote. “But I needed a minute to process it for myself.” (This is why a question stem like, “Do you feel like telling me about…” can be helpful).

FOUR. Support from People Who Get It.

Whether the child is a newborn or an older foster or adopted child, primary caregivers benefit so much from the support of community members who have been through similar situations before and can anticipate what’s needed.

Our second child was born very quickly at home, but we had to go into hospital immediately, so two people came round and washed all the towels we'd used, cleaned the area where I'd given birth and tidied and cleaned the house. When we finally all arrived home I cried with relief that there was no laundry or cleaning waiting for us! – Wendy

A friend flew in from North Carolina to help us for a week, and she did everything including feeding us, teaching us how to use the baby carriers, showing us how to prop a bottle under a blanket, washing the breast pump parts, and streamlining our daily routine. Then friends introduced me to other twin parents with slightly older kids. This was essential to my sanity, because I felt that people with one kid could not possibly understand my experience. – Mandy²

I think that every new family should have paid access to someone coming to their home to answer questions, especially around feeding. You could give your loved ones money to pay for even one session with a postpartum doula who is also a lactation consultant so they can come to the home and answer questions. – Madalyn

A colleague I didn't know well reached out to me when she heard I was pregnant with my first, scheduled a coffee date, and told me all about the experience of taking parental leave, finding daycare, returning to work after having a baby, and pumping at work. I've been able to do this for a few friends in the time since. I wish every working parent (especially if they're breastfeeding) could have a "working parent mentor" (ideally at their own workplace) to help them think through the ins and outs of having a baby and then returning to work. – Jeannie

FIVE. Freedom from Extra Tasks.

When there’s a new baby or new child in the household, priorities and capacities get stripped way down. What might be easy in ordinary life – choosing what to have on a sandwich, transferring a plastic-wrapped bouquet into a vase, listening to a friend’s problems – these activities may become unmanageable. For the first few (or perhaps several) months, it makes a big difference if Aunties can help to manage these tasks, as well as running interference with loved ones who may not understand that they’re over-asking.

If I asked one of my parents to pick up food, I literally did not care what they brought me and getting texted multiple times – did I want cheese on it, or what kind of bread, etc. – was super annoying. The less texting the better, and making decisions for me was appreciated, even if in other times of my life I would react differently. Executive functioning after childbirth is tough, so as few decisions as possible, please. – Sarah

Remembering to take pictures of the baby in clothes that people gave us before they grew out of them felt like an extra chore. Every time someone gives me a gift for my kid, it feels like they are really saying, "Here's something for you to take care of! Add this to your to-do list!" Gifts are not helpful unless you ask me what we need first! And never give new parents a plant. We already have enough to keep alive. – Madalyn

If you’re giving flowers, put them in a vase or other container with water! I loved getting flowers that I could just set out right away. I hated getting bouquets still wrapped in plastic that I had to trim and find a vase and arrange for myself. – KP

A friend expected me to be available in exactly the same way whenever she needed to talk about stuff that made her feel anxious or upset. She didn’t understand why my energy and availability had completely transformed. – anonymous

I had a request to host a birthday party in my home two days after I gave birth. – Eva

SIX. Time and Space to Figure Out Parenting.

Those friends of mine who had just remodeled their kitchen? The dad was a first-time parent, and when they brought the baby home, I noticed myself wanting to help him and show him how to do things like swaddle his baby. And yet the nurses at the hospital had already taught him how to swaddle; my meddling neither necessary nor helpful.

For Aunties who have had a lot of kids in their lives, and also for many grandparents, this reminder is important. We often need to take a step back and let primary caregivers figure things out their own way. I love this story from Auntie Bulletin reader Mary:

My mom had the refrain, “Your baby would rather have you doing everything wrong than anyone else doing everything right.” It was such a beautiful gift. I had no idea what I was doing and I loved this baby more than I could imagine and that created this huge fear that I was doing it wrong. One night my little girl wouldn’t stop crying, so I couldn't stop crying, and my mom came over in her pajamas in the middle of the night. She helped me problem-solve without taking over. She knew that if she took the baby and calmed her, I would feel like a failure. She drew a bath, held the baby while I crawled in, and then handed her to me. The water calmed the baby immediately (it’s a trick that works with babies often – put them in water!). After a few minutes she pooped everywhere – she had been crying because she had a stomach ache and needed to relax enough to poop. My mom helped me clean her up and held her while I showered. She tucked both of us into bed, where the baby passed out immediately, and then went to clean the tub. She kept saying, “Your baby wants you, even if you don’t know what to do. She doesn’t want me to try all my tricks, even if they work. She needs you.” It makes me cry even now and is one of the best things my mom has ever done for me. It gave me the confidence to figure things out for my kids and give them grace to get things wrong. – Mary

What an amazing grandma. ❤️

SEVEN. Freedom from Judgment and Being Told What to Do or How to Feel.

In addition to being given time and space to learn, primary caregivers do not need our unsolicited advice. (In fact, think unsolicited advice is almost always unhelpful, regardless of the situation or recipient, but that’s a post for another time). Figuring out how to parent a new baby is stressful and comes with its own intrinsic load of self-doubt for many parents, as Mary’s story above illustrates, and other people’s judgments and opinions tend to make it worse.

We were panic-ordering so much stuff, and we put a lot of items on the staircase to eventually go upstairs, but it took a long time for things to find their places. I remember my dad making a comment about all the stuff. I think judgement of any kind should be kept at bay, even if it's about something super stupid. At that time I was so sensitive to absolutely everything. – Sarah

There is such a thin line between storytelling as a way of connecting and empathizing ("I remember when my firstborn came home...") and subtly imparting values that a new parent then uses as a measuring stick. I wish people could learn how to be vulnerable and share what's hard without moral judgments working their ways in. For example, breastfeeding. The amount of times I heard, "it's liquid gold" or, "it's magic.” I beat myself up for months when we couldn't get it to work. I don't think people realize how weighty their words are. It's so easy to feel shame. – Katherine

I did NOT need to hear, as I was figuring out how to get them to sleep and feed them while still exhausted and physically in pain, that babies are easy and just wait until you have a teenager. – anonymous

I had family members who insisted on us leaving the house when they visited eight days postpartum, saying, "You need fresh air.” No, I need three days’ sleep, a butler, and a new vagina. Walking is the last thing I need. At the end of the road everyone realised it was a bad idea, they carried on, and I limped home to feed the baby. – Wendy

EIGHT. Respect for Primary Caregivers’ Boundaries.

Not negotiable.

I appreciated having people ask about what would make us comfortable regarding any colds, vaccinations, health status before being around the baby, or even proactively offering to COVID test, disclosing any recent exposure to people with colds, offering to mask, etc! It was reassuring to know that others in our community also cared deeply about the health and well-being of this new little human. – Kara

I needed people to ask before putting anything in my baby's mouth or doing anything else physically invasive. – Eva

Someone insisted on taking pictures of me and the baby when I felt awful. One photo was taken just after I had to give up breastfeeding because my nipples were bleeding so badly, and I can see the tears in my eyes. I hate that photo and I always wish I'd had the energy to stop them, or that they had respected my “Not today, please.” – Wendy

NINE. Adoration of the Child.

Aunties know that babies and children are miraculous wonders, but a primary caregiver may not always be 100% sure that others recognize their particular child’s total, unequivocal magnificence. Don’t take for granted that they know that you adore their child: say it effusively and often! You cannot tell a parent how awesome their child is too many times. You cannot give a new baby too many compliments. (Although you should also feel free to make fun of them, especially on the one day of their life that they were literally born yesterday). Take photos (and share them with the parents). Admire the child’s subtler excellences. As an Auntie, after all, this child is your kin, of your clan, a part of your “us.” Be their cheerleader from day one.

I wanted people to be SO EXCITED about my baby and for them to behave like this was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened. To a much lesser extent, I wanted folks to be so happy for and proud of me. It was very difficult to have folks that were “meh” about either the baby or me during that time. – Mary

I wanted people to take photos of me and my gorgeous babe. – Matilda

When I was in a public space and my newborn was fussing, there were countless kindhearted other parents who looked at me lovingly and said, "Congratulations," and it fully filled my heart. They saw me and knew about this incredibly intense phase of adjustment, and that simple look and comment made me feel connected and seen. – Eva

This baby is my goddaughter and she's a junior in high school now.

TEN. Love, Attention, and Activities for Older/Other Children.

Having a new sibling or new child in the household is as big an adjustment for kids as it is for adults. A formerly only-child in particular often experiences a sudden, massive decrease in the amount of attention their parents have to give. Showering love on the older siblings is, therefore, an essential Auntie role.

Forever shoutout to the friend who had me and my older kid over for a play date, took one look at me, and made me go into her office for a nap. – Emma

When I was a child, my favourite Aunty visited after my younger brother was born, and she basically ignored him and immediately started asking me what I was interested in, what was my favourite puzzle, story, game. She played cards with me and took me for a walk, asked me what was different since he'd arrived, and what I'd found difficult or fun. She was the only person who saw me at that time and it made me hate my brother a bit less! So when my friends have second or third babies, I bring a small gift for the older children and ask them to tell me about their lives and, if they seem keen, what their new sibling is like. They light up. – Wendy

For second babies, please come over and entertain my toddler! Ask me what they like to do, then bring that thing for them. My kid likes crafts- a friend brought over a craft and did it with my toddler so I could do other stuff and that was awesome. – Madalyn

AND ONE MORE. Aunties For Life.

In the first few weeks after a baby is born, families often receive a flood of well-wishers. A scant few months later, though, the challenges and stressors remain but the visitors have tapered off.

My New Baby Bill of Rights would include helpful visitors between weeks 8 and 14. Often one partner (or both!) has had to return to work and all the cooing and hubbub has died down – but you still have a newborn. They change very little until after three months. The adrenaline has worn off but the sleep deprivation is cumulative! And brand new parents aren't often confident getting out of the house alone yet. I needed this kind of support but didn't have it. – Lyndsey

Having people check in when the baby is 3-4 months old is golden. Everyone wants to come visit when the baby is just born, but it's so much more needed a few months down the line when no one is checking in or offering help anymore. -- Emily

I have a friend who still cleans my kitchen for me every time she comes over. My kid is 2.5 and it's the best. – Matilda

Families continue to need support from their communities and loved ones not only for the first few weeks of a child’s life, not only for the first few months, and indeed not only for the first few years. As families and kids grow and change, their need for kin may evolve as well, but everyone fares best when the Auntie relationship is a permanent one. I believe this is what families and Aunties alike really want: long-term, committed, family-like relationships that we can count on for the rest of our lives. And fortunately, showing up in week one is a great way to lay the groundwork for years of Auntiehood to come.

In Conclusion

This New Baby Bill of Rights sets a high bar – one I have certainly not always lived up to myself. More than once while I was putting this post together, I had to stop and fend off self-recriminations for something I did that I wish I hadn’t, or didn’t do that I wish I had. On the other hand, when my communities are healthy and well, my slipups don’t matter much because I’m not the only Auntie on hand. (In reality, for some of my loved ones, I am, and for others, I’m not). The essential point, the deep beauty, of collectivism is that nobody has to do everything by themselves. Parents don’t have to raise kids on their own without the support of a village, and Aunties don’t have to single-handedly try to fill all the gaps.³ We all pitch in what we can, when we can, and together all of our needs get met.

Real talk: I’ve had some doubts while putting this post together, worrying that I’m doing a lot of work to replicate what anyone can find elsewhere online. But here’s the thing: not all of this stuff is available elsewhere, that I’ve encountered, and it’s certainly not usually Auntie-facing, because nothing ever is (UNTIL NOW).

And even the ideas in this post that are widely available elsewhere are worth repeating loudly and often, because they simply are not the norm. Many of the readers who shared their experiences for the New Baby Bill of Rights survey told how they benefited from robust and loving communities of care. But not all of them. And let’s be real: Auntie Bulletin readers are probably not representative of society as a whole. My sense is that (with exceptions) we are wealthier, more extensively educated, and generally enjoy more privileges and advantages in life than the average human, and we may have greater access to support networks. But our neighbors may not.

It is urgent that we cultivate communities of care – to support families with new children, but also to support all of our community members, through all the major ups and downs and transitions of life. When new children arrive and a family’s fridge isn’t immediately overflowing with food from their community, society is failing. When parents can’t figure out how to feed a new baby and no wise elder rolls up to advise and support them, something has gone badly wrong. When someone struggles to pull themselves together after a frightening or traumatic birth and there’s no one to listen to them with curiosity and love, community has broken down.

These supports aren’t “nice to haves,” they’re “need to haves.” They are rights, and all communities should be actively, vigorously cultivating them.

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1. I’ve only included people’s names if they explicitly consented to have them shared. I forgot to ask some people, so maybe they would’ve, but: abundance of caution!

2. If you’d like to read more about how this family’s Aunties showed up for them when they had twins at the height of the pandemic, check out the Mail Bag section in Monday’s (paywalled) Kinship Snacks.

3. There was a time when I tried to fill all of the gaps for a family I love, and it was not sustainable. When I burned out, it was hard on our relationship and I’m grateful we made it through. A post for another time.