Love this great piece even though I get some FOMO having been labeled a Highly sensitive neurodivergent 'Extrovert' rather than introvert but could relate to so many of your wisdom points! Happiest holidays to best bulletin around!
I also had some feelings about this! Not necessarily about how you wrote about it, Lisa, but I think about the larger idea of introversion and extroversion, and how labels can make communities that mean to feel open and permeable actually feel a little closed off, for those who don’t use the label. I read Susan Cain’s QUIET, which is largely about the power of introverts, with some friends last year, and we came to the conclusion that like most binaries that are really spectrums, the introvert/extrovert binary is only helpful as far as it allows you to understand yourself and your needs better, and find communities that support you. I have never really felt like an introvert or an extrovert, fully, because I would articulate my relationship to other people as this: because I am deeply sensitive to other people’s presence and their needs (hi, it’s me, the eldest daughter, you guessed it), I deeply love other people and have a strong appreciation for them. This same trait makes it draining to be around people for too long. I guess my worry about the introvert/extrovert false binary is that culturally, it seems like the understanding is that introverts are people who are “too tired by others” or “don’t like interacting with others” when really it has become an umbrella term for people who interact with others in non-normative ways (“normal” being a slippery slope here, I know… but I guess for me that includes open canceling of plans because I “don’t have bandwidth”, hangouts where we sit in silence doing our own things, and conversations without some of the expected pleasantries). Rather than being a personality label, introvert/extrovert feels like a label that describes a mode of interacting with the world — which might change depending on the people, one’s energy levels, the environment, so many things — and therefore is perhaps more fluid than we, as individuals scooping up our chosen labels, might allow our self-perception to be. Wow, this got really long, but hopefully is interesting. :)
I resonate with this essay SO deeply. I think I would love being a parent but as you put it, I don’t think I would thrive. My heart is still open to the idea but my uterus, less and less. And I ADORE being an auntie!
An ongoing conversation I have with my mom is how to relate to my nephew. She seems perplexed by how easily I’ve become friends with him. Finally I told her: “You’re more interested in adult conversation than I am. You love talking to adults, and I get bored and want to go play with Lego instead.” I am relieved and delighted that it’s now socially acceptable for me to take a break from adult society to do a craft or play a game. I used to have to rely on friendly dogs or cats to be my buffer; now I can go hang with the kid(s). At one such occasion, my nephew said to me, “you know, I sort of think of you more like a kid than a grown-up.” I was honored.
That's really interesting. I think, reflecting on your comment, I've realised I'm the opposite. I've always been better with adult conversation, even when I was a child. I often felt left out amongst other children so hung with the adults instead. Now I find it very challenging to connect with children. I have to really get to know them before I feel comfortable, and get a sense that they feel comfortable with me.
I love yielding the stage, so to speak, to the kids I serve as an auntie or occasional source of outside-the-home entertainment to. I theorize, but don't know, that the adults in their homes don't have the bandwidth/time/whatever to just listen to them talk. And their constant chatter means all I have to do is listen and provide brief reactions, like "wow!" and "oh!" SO MUCH EASIER than leading the conversation.
Thanks for this great post Lisa. I too love parties basically only if I can leave when I want without consequence.... Sounds pretty entitled when I read that in print!
I'm sure you don't need to be pointed to this article in the New Yorker but sharing anyway.
Laurie Paul's work on 'Transformative Experience' uses the example of contemplating whether or not to have children.
This is beautiful. And I think that your thesis here can be extended to other areas of life. It made me think of how I did very well academically in college, but have never gone to grad school (despite working at a university where I could get a degree for free). I've often had to tell people that I was a good student, but I was not good at BEING a student. I could be very successful under duress because I cared deeply about learning, but I took way more time than necessary on every assignment, cried while writing every paper, and hated every second of academic reading. Academia needs me to be a person I am not (organized and focused). It's not a good fit. I'm still interested in learning things and discussing complex topics occasionally- I just can't do it full time.
What I'm saying is, it sounds like many sensitive, neurodivergent introverts would be amazing parents, but it's also valid to say, "full-time parenting isn't a good fit for me." And I like that you're introducing an alternative to the binary of "parent or not-a-parent." You can be a person who does lots of "parenting" without doing it full time.
Love this great piece even though I get some FOMO having been labeled a Highly sensitive neurodivergent 'Extrovert' rather than introvert but could relate to so many of your wisdom points! Happiest holidays to best bulletin around!
I also had some feelings about this! Not necessarily about how you wrote about it, Lisa, but I think about the larger idea of introversion and extroversion, and how labels can make communities that mean to feel open and permeable actually feel a little closed off, for those who don’t use the label. I read Susan Cain’s QUIET, which is largely about the power of introverts, with some friends last year, and we came to the conclusion that like most binaries that are really spectrums, the introvert/extrovert binary is only helpful as far as it allows you to understand yourself and your needs better, and find communities that support you. I have never really felt like an introvert or an extrovert, fully, because I would articulate my relationship to other people as this: because I am deeply sensitive to other people’s presence and their needs (hi, it’s me, the eldest daughter, you guessed it), I deeply love other people and have a strong appreciation for them. This same trait makes it draining to be around people for too long. I guess my worry about the introvert/extrovert false binary is that culturally, it seems like the understanding is that introverts are people who are “too tired by others” or “don’t like interacting with others” when really it has become an umbrella term for people who interact with others in non-normative ways (“normal” being a slippery slope here, I know… but I guess for me that includes open canceling of plans because I “don’t have bandwidth”, hangouts where we sit in silence doing our own things, and conversations without some of the expected pleasantries). Rather than being a personality label, introvert/extrovert feels like a label that describes a mode of interacting with the world — which might change depending on the people, one’s energy levels, the environment, so many things — and therefore is perhaps more fluid than we, as individuals scooping up our chosen labels, might allow our self-perception to be. Wow, this got really long, but hopefully is interesting. :)
I resonate with this essay SO deeply. I think I would love being a parent but as you put it, I don’t think I would thrive. My heart is still open to the idea but my uterus, less and less. And I ADORE being an auntie!
An ongoing conversation I have with my mom is how to relate to my nephew. She seems perplexed by how easily I’ve become friends with him. Finally I told her: “You’re more interested in adult conversation than I am. You love talking to adults, and I get bored and want to go play with Lego instead.” I am relieved and delighted that it’s now socially acceptable for me to take a break from adult society to do a craft or play a game. I used to have to rely on friendly dogs or cats to be my buffer; now I can go hang with the kid(s). At one such occasion, my nephew said to me, “you know, I sort of think of you more like a kid than a grown-up.” I was honored.
That's really interesting. I think, reflecting on your comment, I've realised I'm the opposite. I've always been better with adult conversation, even when I was a child. I often felt left out amongst other children so hung with the adults instead. Now I find it very challenging to connect with children. I have to really get to know them before I feel comfortable, and get a sense that they feel comfortable with me.
I love yielding the stage, so to speak, to the kids I serve as an auntie or occasional source of outside-the-home entertainment to. I theorize, but don't know, that the adults in their homes don't have the bandwidth/time/whatever to just listen to them talk. And their constant chatter means all I have to do is listen and provide brief reactions, like "wow!" and "oh!" SO MUCH EASIER than leading the conversation.
Thanks for this great post Lisa. I too love parties basically only if I can leave when I want without consequence.... Sounds pretty entitled when I read that in print!
I'm sure you don't need to be pointed to this article in the New Yorker but sharing anyway.
Laurie Paul's work on 'Transformative Experience' uses the example of contemplating whether or not to have children.
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2024/12/09/the-philosopher-l-a-paul-wants-us-to-think-about-our-selves
This is beautiful. And I think that your thesis here can be extended to other areas of life. It made me think of how I did very well academically in college, but have never gone to grad school (despite working at a university where I could get a degree for free). I've often had to tell people that I was a good student, but I was not good at BEING a student. I could be very successful under duress because I cared deeply about learning, but I took way more time than necessary on every assignment, cried while writing every paper, and hated every second of academic reading. Academia needs me to be a person I am not (organized and focused). It's not a good fit. I'm still interested in learning things and discussing complex topics occasionally- I just can't do it full time.
What I'm saying is, it sounds like many sensitive, neurodivergent introverts would be amazing parents, but it's also valid to say, "full-time parenting isn't a good fit for me." And I like that you're introducing an alternative to the binary of "parent or not-a-parent." You can be a person who does lots of "parenting" without doing it full time.